Waiting on the Lord

Today, I am waiting on the Lord.  Tears fill my eyes as I pray for my little miracle.  I know that I have only a couple full days left and two night left to sleep before I find out how my little miracle has done for the last 3 weeks.  I decided that I should listen to some inspirational music today to lift my spirit so I put on my Natalie Grant Relentless CD.

The song I will not be moved from that CD helped me to press on after Nels was born.  I would usually just play that song because that is why I bought the CD... but this time I have been listening to the whole CD.  The words to the songs seem to be cutting deep into my spirit today.  

The second song is called  "In Better Hands".   One of the lines goes "There is hope when the faith runs out, I'm in better hands now."   I know that I have used all the faith that I have to stand for a miracle for this precious little miracle.  I know I have to put it in the hands of Jesus.  I know that my faith alone can not save this little one, and I know I need God's help right now.   Though my flesh wants to keep control of everything and know everything, my spirit is crying out for help.  I can't do this on my own.  

Lord God, I lay my baby in your hands right now and I ask that you continue the miracle you have begun.  Keep this little one safe.  Form it completely and in your perfect way.  God, you know I like to be in charge.  I know though that right now I must give all my control over to you.  Lord you are the author and perfecter of life.  In you I live and breath and have my being.  Keep my eyes focused on you and help me stand in faith for this little one.  It is with your grace and mercy that this little one will be a testament to you Lord God.  It has overcome so much so far, please Lord be with my little one and help us to receive good news from the doctors on Thursday. Amen!

The forth song had the following lyrics that I related to:

Back at my heart
Back at my fear
Back at my brokenness
Lord meet me here
I am exposed
And I'm not afraid anymore

Meanwhile back at my heart
I'm desperate for all that You are
Undo me and take me apart
Meanwhile back at my soul
Mend me, please make me whole
You know just where to start

I know that I can not live in fear any more and though my faith has been shaken, I know that God can reach in and make me whole!  I will not listen to the enemies lies that tear me down and push me back into the pain of the past.  I am so glad that God knows all about me and knows how to heal me.  

Matthew 9:21-23 (NIV)

²¹She said to herself, "If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed."

 ²²Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment.

I am this woman, I am the woman with the issue of blood.  I have lived this so many times in my life and I have had to reach out for the hem of Jesus garment so many times.  I know that many can say these same things... but I literally have been where this woman was.  At one point in my life I bleed for a year straight.  And now with this pregnancy and the SCH, I feel like I am back there grasping for Jesus!  Lord as I reach out for the hem of your garment heal the SCH and make sure my baby is safe and healthy!  

Then I got to the song Our Hope endures and I felt like it was telling my story... even though I know it was written for a woman who was battling cancer... I couldn't help but relate it to my life story.

"Our Hope Endures" Natalie Grant

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is torn
With illness but she marches on
Oh, 'cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
And this is our hope

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Words of the song that touched me the most are that our hope can endure through the worst of conditions.  It it like a fiery furnace situation.  Even in the midst of the fire, as long as we have God there in it with us, we can still have hope and no mater what the enemy throws at us we can press on!

The second to the last song is called "Make a Way", thought it totally is not about the same thing I am going through I can relate to it as well.  It talks about a young woman who goes out and does everything she can to make her dreams come true.  This young woman was broken down in the ways of the world.  She was hurt and pushed down, her dreams shattered.  But then she comes to the Lord and gives her life over to him.  The chorus of the song starts out with the young woman saying that she will make a way...on her own.

"But she was strong
And she would survive
A spark of hope had kept her dream alive
And she cried...

I'll make a way
I'll do whatever it takes
Even though it won't be easy
I have a plan and though I may not understand
Someday, I'll make a way"  From Make a way, Natalie Grant

Then at the end of the song this young woman goes into a church where she gives her self  and her plan over to Jesus because all hope had been taken from her and the chorus changes to this:

"So she bowed her head to pray
And said, Jesus, please make a way

And she heard Him say...

I'll make a way
I'll do whatever it takes
Even though it won't be easy
I have a plan and though you may not understand
Today, I'll make a way

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah
Today He'll make a way"

What spoke to me most about this song was that this young woman tried to go out and do everything on her own.  When she did this she  was hurt and broken.  Then when broken completely she gave her dream over to the Lord.  I know this is something that I have struggled with.  I did everything humanly possible after Nels died to try and get pregnant on my own.  I took the medication, I did the tests, I kept logs and schedules.  Then I lost again.  But still did not give up on the ways of man.  I tried again... and failed.  But in my brokenness when there was no more left of me.  When the doctors thought that the hypoplasia had come back and were doing biopsies.  When I was told there was not hope for that cycle any more, God stepped in.  I was so weary and sad.  I did not know what to do but to cry out to God.  Against all odds we found out later, that during that time of brokenness when I turned it all over to God and stopped hoping in the ways of man, I had conceived this little miracle.

Psalm 18 (NIV)

For the director of music. Of David the servant of the LORD. He sang to the LORD the words of this song when the LORD delivered him from the hand of all his enemies and from the hand of Saul. He said:

 ¹ I love you, O LORD, my strength.

 ² The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; 
       my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. 
       He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

 ³ I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, 
       and I am saved from my enemies.

 ⁴ The cords of death entangled me; 
       the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

 ⁵ The cords of the grave coiled around me; 
       the snares of death confronted me.

 ⁶ In my distress I called to the LORD; 
       I cried to my God for help. 
       From his temple he heard my voice; 
       my cry came before him, into his ears.

 ⁷ The earth trembled and quaked, 
       and the foundations of the mountains shook; 
       they trembled because he was angry.

 ⁸ Smoke rose from his nostrils; 
       consuming fire came from his mouth, 
       burning coals blazed out of it.

 ⁹ He parted the heavens and came down; 
       dark clouds were under his feet.

 ¹⁰ He mounted the cherubim and flew; 
       he soared on the wings of the wind.

 ¹¹ He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him— 
       the dark rain clouds of the sky.

 ¹² Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced, 
       with hailstones and bolts of lightning.

 ¹³ The LORD thundered from heaven; 
       the voice of the Most High resounded.

 ¹⁴ He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies , 
       great bolts of lightning and routed them.

 ¹⁵ The valleys of the sea were exposed 
       and the foundations of the earth laid bare 
       at your rebuke, O LORD, 
       at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

 ¹⁶ He reached down from on high and took hold of me; 
       he drew me out of deep waters.

 ¹⁷ He rescued me from my powerful enemy, 
       from my foes, who were too strong for me.

 ¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my disaster, 
       but the LORD was my support.

 ¹⁹ He brought me out into a spacious place; 
       he rescued me because he delighted in me.

 ²⁰ The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness; 
       according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.

 ²¹ For I have kept the ways of the LORD; 
       I have not done evil by turning from my God.

 ²² All his laws are before me; 
       I have not turned away from his decrees.

 ²³ I have been blameless before him 
       and have kept myself from sin.

 ²⁴ The LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness, 
       according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.

 ²⁵ To the faithful you show yourself faithful, 
       to the blameless you show yourself blameless,

 ²⁶ to the pure you show yourself pure, 
       but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd.

 ²⁷ You save the humble 
       but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.

 ²⁸ You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; 
       my God turns my darkness into light.

 ²⁹ With your help I can advance against a troop ; 
       with my God I can scale a wall.

 ³⁰ As for God, his way is perfect; 
       the word of the LORD is flawless. 
       He is a shield 
       for all who take refuge in him.

 ³¹ For who is God besides the LORD ? 
       And who is the Rock except our God?

 ³² It is God who arms me with strength 
       and makes my way perfect.

 ³³ He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; 
       he enables me to stand on the heights.

 ³⁴ He trains my hands for battle; 
       my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

 ³⁵ You give me your shield of victory, 
       and your right hand sustains me; 
       you stoop down to make me great.

 ³⁶ You broaden the path beneath me, 
       so that my ankles do not turn.

 ³⁷ I pursued my enemies and overtook them; 
       I did not turn back till they were destroyed.

 ³⁸ I crushed them so that they could not rise; 
       they fell beneath my feet.

 ³⁹ You armed me with strength for battle; 
       you made my adversaries bow at my feet.

 ⁴⁰ You made my enemies turn their backs in flight, 
       and I destroyed my foes.

 ⁴¹ They cried for help, but there was no one to save them— 
       to the LORD, but he did not answer.

 ⁴² I beat them as fine as dust borne on the wind; 
       I poured them out like mud in the streets.

 ⁴³ You have delivered me from the attacks of the people; 
       you have made me the head of nations; 
       people I did not know are subject to me.

 ⁴⁴ As soon as they hear me, they obey me; 
       foreigners cringe before me.

 ⁴⁵ They all lose heart; 
       they come trembling from their strongholds.

 ⁴⁶ The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock! 
       Exalted be God my Savior!

 ⁴⁷ He is the God who avenges me, 
       who subdues nations under me,

 ⁴⁸ who saves me from my enemies. 
       You exalted me above my foes; 
       from violent men you rescued me.

 ⁴⁹ Therefore I will praise you among the nations, O LORD; 
       I will sing praises to your name.

 ⁵⁰ He gives his king great victories; 
       he shows unfailing kindness to his anointed, 
       to David and his descendants forever.

Lord God, I thank you that you are my Rock and my Fortress!  I thank you that you have saved me from the snares of the enemy!  Lord as it says in the psalm you have brought light into my darkness.  You have blessed me Lord and have given me the desire of my heart while protecting me and this precious little one from the grasp of the enemy.  Lord I thank you that you are with me even now and that my tears which have been dried will not be forgotten or in vain.  Lord as I cried out to you for my baby, I pray that you heard my cry and that you answered my pleas.  Thank you Lord for saving my babies life and for helping it to grow happy and healthy.  Please be with me and this child through out the rest of this pregnancy.  In Jesus name, amen!