Saturday, May 9, 2009

Mother's Day #2

This year is my second year of mother's day being pregnant.  This special miracles due date is only a couple days different then baby Nels.  Last year I was so excited.  At this point I was just over 8 weeks pregnant... had an ultrasound picture that showed everything and couldn't wait to tell everyone all about my miracle baby (baby Nels).    I went to an art show they have hear every year with my mom and took my little ultrasound picture everywhere with me!  I showed everyone I knew!  It was wonderful!

This year I am much more guarded.  Baby Nels is no longer here and this little miracle has been through so much.  The only picture I have of this one barely looks like much so showing it to others doesn't really get the desired response yet.  Though I have been telling everyone about this precious little miracle, it has been more to get prayers, then just telling about it out of excitement.

I feel kind of bad about that.  Like this baby is missing out on some pretty happy emotions that baby Nels got to experience.  I was really excited at first with this little miracle... then all the stress began... then the SCH bleed and the misdiagnosed miscarriage.  All those things just brought stress and fear feelings.  Not good for me... and not good for the baby!

For the last couple days I have been more calm and more peaceful.  That is good for me and for the baby.  I do think though that tomorrow will be a very emotional day without baby Nels there to share it with me.  If I could I think I would just pretend it was another normal day.  That would not be fair to my mom though!  I really want to celebrate what a good mom she is and how she has helped me through this very hard time.

So for today I am going to forget about tomorrow and focus on just being as calm and peaceful for my little one as I can be.  Tomorrow I am sure there will be tears... even thinking about it now makes my eye a bit watery.  But I will go and celebrate my mom and hold on to the fact that even though it was for a very short hour... last year I was a mom too.

Hopefully next year will be better and I will have a little one in my arms to hug and love.

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