Sunday, May 10, 2009

Lord, hold me close

Today I woke up at 2:30 am with some brown spotting from my SCH.  It was very heartbreaking and scared me.  Even though rationally I knew that eventually I should see some brown spotting as the end of the bleeding.  I still did not expect it.  It caught me off guard and made me scared a little again.  I actually figured with over a week of no spotting that I was completely healed and would not see any more blood.

There really wasn't very much  brown spotting and it was only when I wiped not on my pants so that was good.  At 2:30 I had been up because my husband has a cold and kept coughing.  So instead of going back to bed downstairs I journeyed up to my couch and put a couple prayer requests online before finally falling back asleep at 3:45 only to be woken up by a pastor friend from India at 6 am.  I have to remember to turn off my messenger when I am resting even though I like to be available all the time to pray with people.  Right now this baby needs me to take care of it.

I was so worried today.  Mother's day of all days!  I had told my husband earlier this week that I did not want to celebrate it this year.  I figured if I just pretended it was another day it wouldn't hurt so much that Nels wasn't with us and that this baby had gone through so much.  I did well keeping my emotions under rap.  I think that was strength that only God could have given me at this time.  I almost cried when my husband handed me a onesie that he bought the baby.... but I didn't.  

Chris really hasn't been feeling well so I did a little too much yesterday as we cleaned out my closet in preparation for selling out home.  I am almost positive that that work is what caused the bleeding to happen later on.  Though I did not do much I did enough to jar things loose.  I am so sorry that I did it.  I never wanted to put this baby in more danger.   

Tonight Chris is sleeping in the bed and I am back on the couch.  I do not want to get his cold so I am staying upstairs to stay safe.  That way too I will get better sleep as his coughing was waking me up so often.  Right before I went upstairs Chris broke down.  It seems that even though this was mother's day... not father's day... that Chris was just so sad and missing baby Nels.  He cried and said he would have done anything for little Nels... and I know he would.  Then he started crying about this little miracle.  It was the first time that he actually showed sadness about what has gone on and all the things this precious little miracle has gone through so far.

All I could to was hold him and let him cry it out.  Then he came upstairs and prayed for me and the baby.  God please protect our little miracle.  We are so thankful for blessing us with this miracle.  We need your help to make the baby happy and healthy with all the proper parts and organs.  

As I get ready to sign off the internet and go to bed all I can think about are my babies.  Baby Nels, this little miracle, and the babies that I lost before.  Lord I thank you for each and every one.  I ask that you please let the ones that are with you know that their mommy loves them so much and misses them very much.  Even though I don't really feel like I ever got to be a mom... I know that each one is a precious gift from God.  Lord God, if I could ask anything of you today on mother's day, it would be to please let this precious little miracle come stay with us so that we can raise this baby up in your ways and teach them all about Jesus! Amen!

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