Thursday, July 30, 2009

Asher is at 20 weeks now too hot and listening to music!

Yesterday Asher was at 20 weeks and the temperature in Lake Stevens was 105!  It was a record breaking heat day in Washington.  So very hot!  It was the hottest day on record in the Seattle area.  To keep cool I shut all the windows, and all the shades, and then turned on the fan! To keep our pugmoo Honey cool I hosed her down twice with cold water. It got to 90 degrees inside the duplex we are staying in.  Very hot.  So by the time Chris got home I was ready for some air conditioning.  We decided to head to the mall to get some air conditioning.  My brother and his family met us there too.  Loeli, my niece played in the kids area while we all sat under a vent.  It was much cooler then home.  Then at night I took cold showers because it was very hard to sleep.  I don’t think Asher liked the heat.  

He didn’t sleep much until it was cooler this morning.  It got down to 78 degrees down stairs so it was probably at least 83 upstairs.  I decided to use my doppler to check on Asher this morning.  His heart was beating 152 and he was sleeping... no kick or hit noises and no hiccups.  Poor little guy was probably tired out from all the heat of the day before.  To cool him off more this morning I took another cold shower.  I wanted him to have a good start for the day.

It is supposed to be a couple degrees cooler today... but the cloud cover that was supposed to cool it down has already burned off.  So the windows and shades are closed and the fans are on in attempts to keep it cooler in the house today.

Our next ultrasound will be next tuesday.  I am praying that everything will still be going well for Asher and that he will not get what his big brother Baby Nels had.  It is so hard to think about that.  Baby Nels was so precious to us...we always wish we would have had much more time with him.  That is why we are praying that Asher will be happy and healthy and spend a life time with us.

We registered Asher at Baby’s R Us on monday.  We already have the big items such as crib, car seat and stroller from Baby Nels... even though he didn’t get to use them.  Because of that we only registered for a few things that we thought might be useful for Asher.  Because of what happened with Nels though we have decided to only have the shower for him after he is born.  It was a difficult thing to think about.  The day after the first of my showers for Nels I ended up in the hospital for my 39 day stay.  I guess because of that showers make me nervous.  I felt so bad about all the gifts that Nels had received but that he would never get to use.  I wish he could have seen all the wonderful things that people had given him!  But at least he got to see one of his uncles, one cousin, one grandma and grandpa, his dad and his mom for a short time.

This time we want Asher to be able to see all the wonderful things and feel all the love of our friends and family.  More then then shower, we want him to grow up surrounded by love.  Nels had his short life full of love... we could have asked for no more for him then to only feel love.  For this reason we want to fill Asher’s life with that same love.  Of course there will be rule and structure in Asher’s life as well but we don’t ever want him to believe that we are punishing him out of spite... but only out of love.  The Bible says to train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.  Teaching Asher all about the love of the Lord and about Jesus is so important to us.  

Today we played some music for Asher.  This is a part of our filling his life with love.  Chris and I both love making music.  We love to listen to music and we love to worship.  We would love for Asher to love these things as well.  We played 3 songs for him today, 1 Kutless song (mommy’s style), 1 Karen Davis song (daddy’s style) and one Paul Wilbur song (Kadosh, a worshipful song to God)!  He was asleep so he didn’t react much.  Plus this was the first music introduction.  Baby Nels prefered Kutless and the Hallelujah Chorus.  Maybe Asher will like different music.  I hope that he will like Kutless because that is one of my favorite bands right now, but if he likes quieter music that would be ok too!  I think I will introduce him to some soft music tomorrow.

We have special baby speakers for Asher, that we had bought for Nels.  It came with a little microphone to be able to talk to the baby as well.  We have been talking to and praying for Asher all along.  I am positive Nels recognized his daddies voice when he came out.  I would like Asher to be able to bond quickly with Chris as well.  That would be good for both of them.

Lord God, I thank you for the chance to carry this precious miracle Asher.  Lord please forgive me for my fears.  Help me to trust more in you and help me to walk closer to you Lord so that Asher will come to know you and your amazing love.  In Jesus name, Amen!

Monday, July 27, 2009

Asher on the move

This week asher has been moving around a lot.  I can feel him in the areas that are not covered by placenta so that limits how much I feel him... but this little guy was moving!

Especially this weekend when Chris was at his brothers wedding.  I think he knew that Chris wasn't here so he better move more so that mommy wouldn't be so stressed.  Last night I thought he was doing a summersault in my rib cage.  Those aren't monkey bars Asher. :)

It brings me some peace when I feel him moving.  I have been trying to find peace and hope in the last couple weeks so that Asher will have a more peaceful growing time.  I know that my peace has to come from God's peace that passes understanding.  I know in my own flesh I will never be able to understand God's plan for this situation.  Except that now I have found comfort in knowing that I am not alone going through this challenge.

One of the other mom's of a PUV angel is going through the same thing as she just found out she is having another little boy.  She seems more peaceful and has found hope in faith.  After I lost Nels my faith was shaken.  I didn't know why I had to lose my precious little boy.  But now I know there was a greater purpose... a purpose to help others who were carrying a precious PUV baby boy.  God has gifted me with compassion for others and has given me tool to help others through things.  But I believe also that you can never truely help people through hard situations like this unless you have atleast been through something similar.  So God was just preparing another ministry opportunity for us and gave Nels the love and care he needed to become whole in heaven.

Lord God, I thank you for baby Asher.  I ask that you help him to grow happy and healthy and that you help him to be born around Thanks Giving time.  Lord we celebrate the time that you have given us with him so far and ask that you allow us to be a good mom and dad to him.  Please fill us with your hope, faith and love that we can share with him.  In thy name we pray, amen!

Monday, July 20, 2009

19 weeks is coming soon!

This weekend was very difficult for me.  I kept wondering why I had to go through what I went through last year all over again.  Then I thought about how much this little one has already been through and wondered how much more the poor little guy could take.  So I did my best to get all the tears out and start doing some positive things for my little Asher.  

I registered him at target.... which I was debating about not doing... as I had had Nels registered and then had big troubles canceling all the registrations later.  But I wanted this baby to be as real to me as Nels was.  I wanted him to be blessed like Nels was blessed and celebrated.  Then I took my sister-in-law and niece to the mall to use a gift certificated that Chris and I had won last year for the disney store.  I bought him a couple outfits.  

Then I figured out a theme for his room.  It is going to be the Lion and the Lamb.  We have some really cool animal stickers for the wall but I wanted to put a biblical touch to it also.  

I am still stressed.   I have poured out my heart to God asking why this had to happen.  I still have no answers.  So for now all I can do is to continue to pray for little Asher and ask God to help him grow into a happy healthy baby, little boy, & man!

I have an appointment tomorrow for blood test but other then that I have nothing scheduled until 21 weeks when my next appointment is.   That will be just 3 days before we close on our new house.  It will be so nice to have a safe place for this baby to grow up.

I took some time yesterday to worship.  I think that made a difference for me.  I took out the worship flags that I had taken to the hospital with me for baby Nels.  I turned on the music and began to dance before the Lord.  That is when I feel the safest.  That is when the stress doesn't seem to be there anymore.  Then reality comes crashing back in.

I know there is a reason for all of this.  I may not ever know why... but I hope and pray that this time I will have a baby to take home with me from the hospital.  I put the last picture from his 18 week ultrasound at the top.  He kept putting his hand on his nose.  His nose is a little different shaped then Nels's nose.  Maybe he will look different... that would be a blessing.  It would be so hard to look at another baby that looked the same as Nels.

Friday, July 17, 2009

We picked a name for our little miracle

Last night after we got home Chris and I poured over the name book to pick a name for our little miracle.  We only had a girl name picked out.  It was Cora Joy which meant gift of joy.  We wanted something that would mean something similar to this for our little boy.

At first we were looking in the initial A.B.C., because we thought that would be kind of cool.  But we couldn’t find anything that meant gift.  We found the first name first.

Asher is his first name.  Asher means filled with happiness.  We don’t want him to live with the sadness I have been through and with the stress that I have gone through during the pregnancy.  It is also in honor of my mom in a way... because her middle name is Joy... which is where we got that middle name for the girl name.

The second name took a lot of time to figure out.  We didn’t want a name that would be too common and we didn’t want it to be a name that he would switch to later on.  It was a challenge.  We found several names that meant gift from God... but none seemed to fit.

Finally we decided on the second name Johan.  Johan means God is gracious.  It is only by God’s grace that this little one would be allowed to be in our life.  We pray that God will continue to be gracious unto him and that he will not have to go through the struggles that his big brother Nels went through.  Johan is also in a way a family name.  You see when my dad’s dad came over from Sweden his last name was Johanson (not sure it is being spelled right).... which he changed to Johnson to make it more Americanized.  My dad said it was spelled with a J and not a Y so we are going with that.

Asher Johan Campbell, your mommy and dad love you.  We are praying for you.  Please don’t leave us like your big brother.  We are waiting to meet you.  Please grow safely.

18 week anatomy ultrasound

We have been praying for the last 8 months that the Lord would bless us with a girl the next time we had a child so that we would not have to worry about PUV and so that we would see the prophecies given to us so many years ago about a little girl who danced for Jesus would come true.

Yesterday was our anatomy scan of the baby.  They told us we were going to have a little boy.  I instantly went into panic mode.  With it being a boy it had a chance of having PUV just like baby Nels.  I couldn’t understand why our prayers would have been ignored.  I didn’t understand why God would want me to have to go through months more of worry.  God says that we are not supposed to worry.  But how can I not be concerned after what happened last year.

We prayed so hard for Baby Nels for the 39 days in the hospital.  We wanted him to be a little miracle who would live to praise God.  But God took him home only one hour after he was born.  I was devastated.  My faith was shaken.  I didn’t know what I was supposed to do so I started a group on face book to help others effected by PUV.  

We also began praying right away after our loss that God would bless us with the prophesied girl.  We did everything we could to make this dream come true.  Including timing.  There was no way that the boy sperms could live long enough to fertilize the egg.  We were wrong.  

God made this baby a miracle from the beginning.  It has fought through so much to get to this point.  I am so scared that it will have to fight like baby Nels had to fight.  I don’t know how to trust any more.   I feel like God has left me on my own to fight this battle.  My heart is breaking for what could be rather then what is.  It just brings the pain of baby Nels back in my face so much.

With the SCH early on in the pregnancy we found out that we had lost baby B.  Now my heart breaks even more for baby B because what if that baby was our little girl or what if it had PUV.  I know ultimately it is my fault that that precious baby didn’t make it.  If I would have stayed home and flown then the SCH would not have been so severe and I would be celebrating twins now.  I feel so bad about that.

I can’t seem to stop crying today.  I don’t want my baby to think that I don’t love him or that I don’t want him because I do love him.  I just can’t bear the thought of losing another child at this point.  We didn’t have any boy names picked out.  We were concentrating so hard on having a girl that I didn’t want to cause any problems by picking a boy name.  I think that upset me even more.  Not having a name to give him as we left was awful.  I felt so ashamed.

All my name books were packed away long ago for the move.  Thankfully my mom picked up a name book for Chris and I on our way back to the mom and dad’s duplex that we are staying in until our house is done.

Chris and I were both stressed out after the ultrasound.  My doctor noticed that we were stressed.  She told us we should be happy and celebrating because our baby was happy and healthy at this point.  She wants me to be able to enjoy the pregnancy.  I don’t know how to do that.  Everything looked normal for baby Nels until 29 weeks.  Nothing was found until then.  It is 11 weeks until that time... 15 weeks until the time Nels was born... and 19 weeks until my 37 week time which is most likely when I will have this little one if nothing goes wrong.  19 weeks is a long time left.  Too much time to stress.  Too long to wait.  Where will my peace come from?

I know I must sound like the most unfaithful, unBiblical person right now.  I don’t know what to do about that.  I have no way of figuring this out on my own.  I am supposed to help others and supposed to share my faith with others.  Now I am lost and feel so alone in this journey... even though I know others going through it as well.

I need to pull it together.  I just don’t know how right now.  The ultrasound showed that the kidneys and bladder looked normal at this point.  I just hope that they stay that way.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Allergy Scare

Last night before bed I got really itchy.  I asked my husband if there was something one my back... yes... hives!  I immediately asked him to put some hydrocortizone on me with out thinking.  Then I began to pray that the hyrocortizone wouldn't harm the baby.  I can deal with itching.  Then I began to be concerned about what could be causing the hives.

In 2007 I learned that I was gluten allergic and that it had been the cause of some very bad things in my health.  I have been doing my best to avoid all glutens during this pregnancy.  I did not want anything to happen to this precious little miracle because of a food.

Chris and I went over everything I ate for the last few days.  We couldn't really figure out what caused it.  My best guest was that it was a hidden gluten.  By the middle of the night the whole right side of my body had hives.

I had Chris pray for the baby and pray that the reaction would go away.  By the time I woke up this morning the hives were gone.  Praise God.  Chris was still concerned though and asked me to do a doppler check of the baby.  He was on his way to work so I decided to do the doppler before he would call me back.

I heard lots of hiccups and movement today but the heart rate was hard to find.  The placenta on top makes it hard to hear the heart beat some times.  I did hear it though and was able to tell Chris when he called.  He was relieved that I heard noises from our little miracle.

What a blessing it is to be able to check on the baby.  I was so stressed about the hives that I was thinking about calling the doctors office if they weren't gone by the morning.  Thankfully they were.  God is good!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

17 weeks today!

Today the baby is 17 weeks.  I listened to our little miracles heart beat this morning and it was between 153 and 157.  Still a fast little baby!  :)  It has been a while since I have written last.  We haven't had any doctors appointments or anything to report on.  Just have been in a bit of a waiting period of time. 

Last week we picked out the house we are going to buy.  It is being built and will be done on the seventh of August.  We will be moving out of our house in a week.  That is not much time left here.  We have been busy packing and getting stuff ready and got the Pod delivered yesterday.  Since I can't lift heavy stuff I have only been able to pack and tape boxes.  Chris has been moving the boxes.

The baby got excited with all the activity yesterday and actually kicked me where I could feel it.  Since my placenta is on top I haven't felt much movement except when I am using my doppler, because the baby pushes against that some times.

When I heard the heart beat this morning it wasn't just the quite swish swosh noises.  It was the actual heart beating so the baby must have had it heart close to my tummy.    It was a beautiful noise to hear but reminded me of the monitoring that baby Nels got in the hospital.  

Baby Nels would have been 8 months old on last Sunday.  We went and took him some left over 4th of July prizes that we had for the games for all the kids.  We stuck two red, white and blue pinwheels in the ground for him.  It is hard to go and see his spot... even though I know in my heart he is not there and he is in heaven.  I had a wee bit of a breakdown the night before and then just as we left because the wind made the pinwheels spin for him.

Anyways, with all the stress going on our little miracle seems to be hanging in there really well.  Our next appointment is on the 16th of July.  There will be another full body and organ scan of the baby as well as a doctors appointment later that day.  I am still praying that this little one is a happy healthy girl.  I don't want this baby ever to have to go through what Nels did.