This weekend was very difficult for me. I kept wondering why I had to go through what I went through last year all over again. Then I thought about how much this little one has already been through and wondered how much more the poor little guy could take. So I did my best to get all the tears out and start doing some positive things for my little Asher.
I registered him at target.... which I was debating about not doing... as I had had Nels registered and then had big troubles canceling all the registrations later. But I wanted this baby to be as real to me as Nels was. I wanted him to be blessed like Nels was blessed and celebrated. Then I took my sister-in-law and niece to the mall to use a gift certificated that Chris and I had won last year for the disney store. I bought him a couple outfits.
Then I figured out a theme for his room. It is going to be the Lion and the Lamb. We have some really cool animal stickers for the wall but I wanted to put a biblical touch to it also.
I am still stressed. I have poured out my heart to God asking why this had to happen. I still have no answers. So for now all I can do is to continue to pray for little Asher and ask God to help him grow into a happy healthy baby, little boy, & man!
I have an appointment tomorrow for blood test but other then that I have nothing scheduled until 21 weeks when my next appointment is. That will be just 3 days before we close on our new house. It will be so nice to have a safe place for this baby to grow up.
I took some time yesterday to worship. I think that made a difference for me. I took out the worship flags that I had taken to the hospital with me for baby Nels. I turned on the music and began to dance before the Lord. That is when I feel the safest. That is when the stress doesn't seem to be there anymore. Then reality comes crashing back in.
I know there is a reason for all of this. I may not ever know why... but I hope and pray that this time I will have a baby to take home with me from the hospital. I put the last picture from his 18 week ultrasound at the top. He kept putting his hand on his nose. His nose is a little different shaped then Nels's nose. Maybe he will look different... that would be a blessing. It would be so hard to look at another baby that looked the same as Nels.