We have been praying for the last 8 months that the Lord would bless us with a girl the next time we had a child so that we would not have to worry about PUV and so that we would see the prophecies given to us so many years ago about a little girl who danced for Jesus would come true.
Yesterday was our anatomy scan of the baby. They told us we were going to have a little boy. I instantly went into panic mode. With it being a boy it had a chance of having PUV just like baby Nels. I couldn’t understand why our prayers would have been ignored. I didn’t understand why God would want me to have to go through months more of worry. God says that we are not supposed to worry. But how can I not be concerned after what happened last year.
We prayed so hard for Baby Nels for the 39 days in the hospital. We wanted him to be a little miracle who would live to praise God. But God took him home only one hour after he was born. I was devastated. My faith was shaken. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do so I started a group on face book to help others effected by PUV.
We also began praying right away after our loss that God would bless us with the prophesied girl. We did everything we could to make this dream come true. Including timing. There was no way that the boy sperms could live long enough to fertilize the egg. We were wrong.
God made this baby a miracle from the beginning. It has fought through so much to get to this point. I am so scared that it will have to fight like baby Nels had to fight. I don’t know how to trust any more. I feel like God has left me on my own to fight this battle. My heart is breaking for what could be rather then what is. It just brings the pain of baby Nels back in my face so much.
With the SCH early on in the pregnancy we found out that we had lost baby B. Now my heart breaks even more for baby B because what if that baby was our little girl or what if it had PUV. I know ultimately it is my fault that that precious baby didn’t make it. If I would have stayed home and flown then the SCH would not have been so severe and I would be celebrating twins now. I feel so bad about that.
I can’t seem to stop crying today. I don’t want my baby to think that I don’t love him or that I don’t want him because I do love him. I just can’t bear the thought of losing another child at this point. We didn’t have any boy names picked out. We were concentrating so hard on having a girl that I didn’t want to cause any problems by picking a boy name. I think that upset me even more. Not having a name to give him as we left was awful. I felt so ashamed.
All my name books were packed away long ago for the move. Thankfully my mom picked up a name book for Chris and I on our way back to the mom and dad’s duplex that we are staying in until our house is done.
Chris and I were both stressed out after the ultrasound. My doctor noticed that we were stressed. She told us we should be happy and celebrating because our baby was happy and healthy at this point. She wants me to be able to enjoy the pregnancy. I don’t know how to do that. Everything looked normal for baby Nels until 29 weeks. Nothing was found until then. It is 11 weeks until that time... 15 weeks until the time Nels was born... and 19 weeks until my 37 week time which is most likely when I will have this little one if nothing goes wrong. 19 weeks is a long time left. Too much time to stress. Too long to wait. Where will my peace come from?
I know I must sound like the most unfaithful, unBiblical person right now. I don’t know what to do about that. I have no way of figuring this out on my own. I am supposed to help others and supposed to share my faith with others. Now I am lost and feel so alone in this journey... even though I know others going through it as well.
I need to pull it together. I just don’t know how right now. The ultrasound showed that the kidneys and bladder looked normal at this point. I just hope that they stay that way.