No Greater Love

Today I wore the white bracelet above to remind myself of the wisdom of God and His plan for all of our lives.  It simply reads "I will follow God's plans".  Sometimes God's plans are not exactly what we would have planed for our lives.  For the last two days I have been contemplating why God would allow me to even know about Beautiful Miracle's (Baby B) existence.  I though of how much easier it would have been just to think our little miracle was the only one who struggled and fought for their life in these weeks.

There was a reason God wanted us to know.  A few of our friend have told us either that Beautiful Miracle wasn't meant to make it, or that maybe there was something wrong.  But a couple of my friends said something that made more sense to me.  That Beautiful Miracle laid down her precious little life for the life of Little Miracle.  That they loved their sibling so much and knew they both could not grow strong and healthy.

This brings me to tears even typing about it.  But they are tears of joy as much as they are tears of sorrow.  Joy that our Beautiful Miracle was so selfless and so strong as to give up her life so Little Miracle could live.  Sorrow, that we could not have known and celebrated Beautiful Miracles life more.  

In the Bible it states that there is no greater love then to lay your life down for another.  So Beautiful Miracle gave all she could and loved more then we could imagine!

John 15:12-13 (New International Version)

¹²My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ¹³Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

How amazing is this that someone so small could do something so big for the ones she loves!  She let Little Miracle continue to grow strong and healthy and didn't even draw attention to herself.  Was a beautiful act of love, grace, and mercy.  We could all learn from such as this!

Dear Lord, we thank you for the life and sacrifice of Beautiful Miracle.  We pray that you are holding her safe and sound right now.  Lord we also thank you for our Little Miracle.  We ask that you help our little miracle to continue to grow strong and healthy and to be born and come home with us.  Lord you have blessed us greatly!  Thank you for displaying true and real love through the example of Beautiful Miracle!  In Jesus Name, Amen!

There were 2 miracles... one went to heaven!

Today I went for my big appointment at UWMC!  I was nervous but excited at the same time!  I figured that I would get a chance to see my baby today and was very excited about that but scared at the same time that we wouldn't find what we wanted.  A healthy happy baby.  

My Doctor at the UW is great!  I really trust her and I know she knows me well after the time I spent in the hospital last year.  I had written a list of questions but none of them had to do with what we actually saw on the ultrasound monitor today.

When we started looking at the ultrasound screen my doctor said "It looks like you lost a twin."  Twin?  That was something new added to this very messy mess.  Wow, although it was something I considered and even prayed about in the hotel room in Florida, there was no evidence of a twin until today!  We saw baby A with a happy healthy heart beat between 164 and 174 and then right below that we saw a sac that was close to the same size as baby A's but with out a baby in it.  

The baby must have been lost in Florida due to the Subchorionic Hemorrhage.   I wasn't sure how to feel at first.  I had mixed emotions.  After worrying about the one baby I knew about the whole time for such a long time I didn't know how to feel about the precious little one that I lost and didn't even know it.

I am happy and excited that my one baby is doing so well!  I am looking forward to the NT Ultrasound in 2 weeks.  It is a very in depth ultrasound which measures many parts of the baby... including the bladder.  So we will be able to see things clearer in 2 weeks.

I am sad though that I had a chance to have to precious miracles that could have played together and grown up together and now will never get that chance.  I hope that baby B is safe in Jesus arms.  Chris and I decided to call baby B  Beautiful Miracle.  So Beautiful Miracle is in heaven now with baby Nels.  We don't know why this had to happen but we know that God is in control.

Abba, Heavenly Father we thank you for Baby A and for making Baby A happy and healthy!  We thank you for a happy healthy heart rate and for good movement.  Lord we thank you for Beautiful Miracle as well.  We are so sad that Beautiful Miracle could not come and be with us but we are thankful for the short amount of time that you gave us to cherish her.  Lord continue to work in Baby A's life and help it to develop completely and to be born happy and healthy.  In Jesus name, Amen!

1 day left to wait

I only have one day left before my big appointment at the University of Washington Medical Center tomorrow.  It has been a long two weeks but I know that God has been with me and the baby.

This morning at 4am  I had a tiny tiny brown spot that sent me for a loop.  But Chris prayed with me and I felt peaceful enough to fall back asleep again.  I know that God is in control of this little miracle's life and that God will protect it.

I am praying for a good appointment tomorrow.   I hope that it will go well and that the baby will be happy and healthy and that the Doctor will give me good news.

Today I got a call from my insurance company.  They have set me up with a nurse that will call me every couple weeks or so to check up on me and the baby.  I guess this is something they do for high risk people.  It is kind of a nice thing because I will have someone to talk to about questions when I don't get to talk with the doctor.  They are going to give me another call next week to see how my appointment went.

They were concerned that none of the normal blood work was done at 8 weeks.  All I had around that time... 9w1d was the blurry ultrasound.  Hopefully they will do some tests and stuff tomorrow to make sure that everything is going right.

I also update the theme on this page to go along with the think pink moto!  How do you like it?  Very pink huh!  I like it!  It matches me! Holding on to Faith, Hope, Love and Joy!

Thank you God for today with my little miracle!  Lord I pray that you will put a hedge of protection around my little one today and that you will help it show up happy and healthy for the appointment tomorrow.  Lord help the baby to form the way it is supposed to with all the organs and parts where they are supposed to be.  Thank you God for loving and caring for my precious miracle and for filling me with hope even through the very hard times.  Lord I pray that the SCH is completely healed now and that I will not spot more.  In Jesus name, Amen!

I heard the swoshing!

Today for the first time I actually heard the swoshing sound of the baby's heart beat!  Before when I got the heart beat on the monitor, I did not hear the sound but only got the digital read out.  This time it was the total opposite.  I heard the sound but did not get the digital read out of the heart rate... but I tell you what.... hearing it's little heart beating is even better then seeing a number on the screen!  

It was amazing!  Since it is a holiday Chris was there with me this morning when I checked for it.  He actually had me stopping at the spot because he thought he heard something.  We waited for a tiny bit and there it was "swish swosh, swish swosh"  it's the most wonderful sound in the world to me right now!  It means my baby is still there and still growing!  Praise God!

Thank you God for the beautiful sounds you shared with me this morning!  I know that it was because of you that I was able to hear the heart beat!  What a blessing!  God you are the great creator... you give everything life!  Thank you for breathing life into my baby and helping it to grow healthy and happy in my womb!  God forgive me for being scared yesterday.  Give me the strength to keep pressing on and the faith to hold on to the hope for this little miracle!  In Jesus name, Amen!

Now I see why I was warned about the doppler!

Today had a rough start to it.  I decided first thing that I wanted to try and find the baby's heart rate this morning.  I tried for an hour and a half and really could not pinpoint the baby.  I did hear a little movement but was concerned.

As I laid on the couch later I tried to feel where the baby would be... again did happen.  I could not feel my uterus at all today when I was on the couch.  Later on I went down stairs to lay down and try to find it and I did.  I guess the couch just wasn't the right position.  

One person tried to warn me about dopplers and the frustration with not finding the heart rate some times.  I thought that it would only bring me comfort though seeing that the heart rate was beating away.  I was pretty sure that I would be able to find the baby's heart rate too.... after being in the hospital with all the monitoring last year with Nels.  I got really good at working all the equipment.

Today though I got scared and frustrated after not finding a suitable baby heart rate in the morning.  One of my friends suggested drinking some cold water and trying again. (Thanks for the idea! :) ) So later in the afternoon I decided to try that.  Well, I think I might have gotten the heart rate and even heard a tiny swishing sound for barely 2 seconds.  Then I heard a lot of other noise and couldn't find the heart rate again.  I kept running into mine everywhere I went.  It is easy to tell my heart rate from a baby's heart rate.  Mine sound like the normal thump thump sound of a heart that we are all used to.  A baby's heart sounds more like a swish swish sound though.

I am more at ease tonight but I asked my husband to pray for me and the baby.  I don't have any other reasons to be concerned right now.  

I am thankful that the SCH seems to have cleared itself up.  I haven't had any bleeding for quite some time now!  Praise God!!  To God be the glory for that!  I also haven't had any cramping or pressure either, which is good!  The only cramping I have had has been gastrointestinal in nature, because of a couple days of the runs. Sorry for the TMI :)  Anyways there are no big signs that I should be concerned... so I need to get back to focusing on the blessing that this child is and enjoy my last few days of couch rest before my big appointment on Thursday!

I am really hoping that everything goes really well on Thursday!  I hope that it will be a good appointment and that maybe I will be taken off couch duty!  :)  I know that the pelvic rest and the lifting restrictions were given to me for the whole pregnancy so I am not going to count on getting off those restrictions but the couch rest might be escapable!

Dear Lord God, I come to you tonight and ask that you continue to form my little baby in my womb.  Help it's heart to beat right, help it's parts to grow right and help it to be born happy and healthy.  Lord I lay my burdens at the foot of the cross and ask that you give me the peace that passes understanding right now.  Lord I know that my baby is in your skillful hands and that you are working miracles in it's life right now.  Lord bless this little one and help it to grow.  I dedicate this child to you oh Lord even now and I promise to raise it up in your ways.  Lord thank you for all you are doing and that you for being with me in the days that I have to wait between appointments.  Thank you God for all that you are doing, amen!

Can't stop crying

Last night at Midnight her time my friend Stephanee had her baby boy Vayden.    We had been praying so hard for them for such a long time.  Vayden had PUV just like baby Nels.  About an hour after he was born I recieved a call from Stephanee.  She sounded peaceful and strong.

She told me that Vayden was born 4 lbs 14 ounces.  Only one ounce smaller then his older brother.  She told me he was breathing on his own with out the tubes but his breathing was labored.  Stephanee said that he looked just like his older brother when he was born and was perfect and beautiful.

Then she said that he was making some crying noises and that is when I heard him.  It wasn't really a full on cry just a little peep and it sounded so much like the cooing noises that baby Nels made when he was born.

Vayden lived in his mommy and daddy's loving arms for three hours and 45 minutes and then went to the loving arms of Jesus.  I am sure there were many little boys waiting for him when he got there including all the ones  who were born in the last year in our PUV group.  Probably many more as well.

Hearing Vayden brought back so many memories of baby Nels.  I can't believe that it will be 7 months soon since he went to be with Jesus.  I could hardly sleep last night.  I wanted to be available so that anytime Stephanee might have needed me I could be there for her on the phone.

Last night I was still on adrenaline wanting to help but this morning is different.  The tears have been flowing today and I can't seem to turn them off.  I feel so bad that any baby would have to go through having PUV and that so many of them simply do not make it.   I am blessed to know of some baby's and little boys who have overcome PUV as well.  I just wish they all could live long and happy lives.

I am so proud of Stephanee.  She is such a good mom and she surrounded her little one with love for the time he was here on earth.  

Lord God, I pray for Stephanee and Van, that you would surround them with Angels to watch over them and guard them during this time.  Help them with their sorrow and keep them safe.  Lord God, I thank you for the time that you gave Vayden here on earth to share his love with Van and Stephanee.  Lord, though that time was short I know that that little boy had nothing but love fill his life.  God please comfort and guide Stephanee and Van.  Bring them closer together during this hard time and not further apart.  Give them the strength they need to press on and help their other son to some day understand.  Lord I pray a hedge of protection around this family right now.  Send friends and family their way to hold them up in this hard time.  Thank you Lord for Vayden.  Thank you for letting him be born alive and thank you for making him whole now in heaven.  In Jesus name, Amen!

Stephanee, our heart are with you, Van, Vayden, & Vashon right now!  I know the next few day and months will be difficult.  I want you to know that I am here for you no mater what.

Friends effected by PUV

One of the friend's I have made along this journey since baby Nels was born Stephanee is in labor as I type with her precious little boy Vayden who has PUV.  I have been praying so hard for her and baby Vayden since we met.  

When we first talked Stephanee was going through a hard time.  They had attempted to do the shunt surgery on Vayden but the placenta was in the way so they were unable to preform this life saving surgery.

Stephanee has been so strong through this time.  She has celebrated Vayden's life and is praying for a miracle for him... as are we all.  He needs a miracle to be able to breath because she was so low on amniotic fluid so early in her pregnancy.  

I am praying right now and waiting to hear news of his birth.  Earlier this week Stephanee asked if her mom could contact me so that I could notify some of our mutual friends.  She was scheduled to be induced on June 5th.... but baby Vayden decided to come early.   I gladly agreed to be her contact as I would do anything I can to help my friends who are going through what I went through with Nels.  I only wish I could be there for her in person.  Dang bed rest!  

Please pray with me for Vayden!  Please pray that he will have a miracle and will be able to breath!  Pray that he is able to pee!  Pray that he overcomes the odds and is a fighter!  Please pray also for comfort and guidance for my Friend Stephanee and her husband.  They need all of our prayers now!

Baby Vayden, your mommy and daddy love you so much!  Please breath for them!  Show them your love!  Fill their hearts with peace!

10 weeks 2 days

It is hard to believe that I am already at 10 weeks 2 days with this little miracle.  Who would have thought after going through all the stuff this little one has gone through that it would still be with me today!  What a blessing and a miracle!  

I am so thankful to God that this little miracle has stayed with us and is growing!  I won't know any more official stuff until I go to my appointment on the 28th.  Then I will find out more about the next steps with this precious little one.  Until then I have remained on my modified couch/bedrest to keep this little one with us.  I don't want to take any undo chances and I am trying to take the best care of this little miracle!

This morning I woke up at 5 to an upset stomach.  That always makes me a little nervous... because it is hard to tell where the cramping is coming from.  I got up and had a bad case of the runs.  Well, that answered where those cramps were from... and although it took some stress away it was stressful and I was concerned about the safety of the baby.

My husband was wide awake when I came back in the room.  Instead of being angry that he was woken at 5 am on his week off he simply sat up to talk to me.  I asked him to pray for the baby when I laid back down.  He gently too my hand and said a prayer for the baby.  Then he kept hold my hand as I fell back asleep, feeling safe and protected.  He sat there with me for a long time just hold my hand as I slept and then eventually he laid back down and got some more rest himself.

I am so thankful for Chris.  He has been so good during this pregnancy.  Although not without his moments, he really has been there for me and the baby.  It is very nice.   He support me when I get concerned about what is going to go on with this baby and he prays with me for it's life and health each day.   PUV was our first concern.  So we have been praying for a little girl partially because we do not want to go through what we went through before and partially because we have had people in the past tell us we would have a little girl that would dance for Jesus.

As you know... our son Nels that we lost to PUV... was so important to us!  He was our first miracle.  We have always been thankful for the short time we got with him.  It was so important to us to have that time.  PUV has been a big concern to us ever since then.  The fact that it happens to 1 in 8000 baby boys is a awful thing.  On Facebook we have made a group to help others who have PUV in their families.  We have made many friends during this time.  Recently one of the mom's had her baby, and praise God he is living and doing well according to her.  This family was truly blessed.  It is nice to hear that someone has survived being born with PUV.... it doesn't happen that often with our group but when it does it is a reason to celebrate.   I wished I could be of more help to those with surviving boys but that was not my experience.  Thankfully though there is a wonderful lady who's son was born with PUV who lives not far from the one who just had her little one.  I pray that the new mom will be able to learn a lot from the experience of her and from the experiences of the other women in the group as well.

We have also had several of our PUV friends lose their precious little ones as well.  With those we are better able to help because we have been there.  It is so sad that so many do not make it.  It is even harder when the prognosis is given really early!  There are many brave women in the PUV group who have fought hard for their little one and carried them as long as they could.  I am so proud of those moms who did their best to give their little ones a chance at a miracle.  I have seen many of the women, though broken by the loss, come out empowered to help others.  That is amazing.  Though crushed in their spirits these women have come back to help others through hard times, reach out to others in similar situations and give of their heart to those who have lost precious little ones.  Their strength is a powerful testament not only to their love of their little ones but to their faith as well.

I am not sure how one could get through this type of situation without faith.  Yesterday, I met one new mom to our group.  She really just gave her life to Christ after going through losing her son to PUV.  A church in their community helped them through their very difficult time and they were baptized 2 months after the birth and loss of their son.  It was an amazing testimony.  So powerful how God picked them up out of their time of deep sorrow and set them on a path of faith.   Now she too is reaching out to others.  Praise God!

Dear Lord God, I thank you for our precious little miracle.  I thank you that you are knitting together every part of this precious child.  Lord please make our child happy and healthy and let it be born and come home with us to raise up in your ways.  Lord God, I thank you for each and every person I have met in the PUV group.  I thank you that you are working in their lives.  Lord, even through the pain you have made beauty come out of their lives.  Lord God I pray for each and every boy who is living with PUV that is in our group.  Lord work in their lives and help their families to overcome all the obstacles in their way.  Heal the little one, and give those who need kidneys their kidneys.  Lord be with each family and lead and guide them.  Lord I pray for Stephanee right now as she prepare to have Vayden in June.  Lord be with her and Van, comfort them and guide them during this difficult time.  Hold them in your loving arms.  Lord as the one little boy was born a miracle recently I ask for a miracle for Vayden as well.  You, Oh Lord, know what is best for little Vayden so I give that whole situation to you.  In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

We have the Doppler! :)

Our Fetal Doppler machine arrived in the mail on Monday afternoon.  It's pink!  :)  I knew that it may not show me anything yet on Monday but I really really wanted to try it out!  So what do I do?  Of course I put it together, put the batteries in and the ultrasound gel on and started it up.  

From when I was in the hospital with baby Nels I pretty much knew how to find the baby's heart beat.  I also read in the instructions that you may not actually hear it until 12 weeks when it is loud enough for the doppler to hear.  

When I got the little heart flashing I knew I was close to a heart beat... would it be mine or the baby's?  First one... was the baby's.... it stayed in the good range from 135 to 160, but I had to move the doppler around because the baby had plenty of swimming room and swimming was definitely taking place.  The cool think was... even though I could not hear the heart beat... I heard the kicking and swimming movement!  How cool is that!

Shortly after losing it again after more movement I found a heart rate again.  This time it was much lower.  Instead of freaking out... which I would have done if I had not been monitored for 35 days with Nels.... I simply figure out that I had found my heart beat.  Which was also in the correct range!

Thank You Lord!  What a wonderful invention that you taught man how to make!

Then Tuesday I decided to try again.  This time every time I found a heart rate it was mine.  I tried not to panic because I know that it is very difficult even for some doctors to find it at this point but I did get a little bummed after 10 minutes of trying with no good results.

My husband came in the room and asked "Why the pouty face?"  I told him I couldn't find the heart rate and he jumped in and said "Let me help you!"  Normally I would have just said I was ok and that we didn't need to try again but with all that has gone on with this little miracle I just wanted to make sure that everything was still alright! 

So I layed down... 1 minute later... we saw a 135 heart rate... then 138 and 150.  Woooo hooo!  Chris was able to find the baby!  It was completely on the opposite side of my uterus!

Lord God, I thank you for the invention of the doppler so I can see my baby's heart rate.  Lord I ask that you continue to give our baby a great heart rate and that you make this little miracle grow up strong and healthy and happy!  Lord I thank you for each day with my little miracle!  Lord lead and guide me and lead and guide the doctors when they see me.  Thank you Lord for the blessing of my husband and for his patience and understanding!  Lord keep him safe and lead and guide him as well!  In thy name I pray!  Amen!!!!

Protecting precious miracles!

Why would anyone take unnecessary risks with a high risk pregnancy?  Yesterday I ended up in a debate on the website Fertility Friends when someone asked if it was ok for high risk people to fly in the first trimester.  The person who was asking the question was nervous about making trip plans because she was planing on getting pregnant and had been put on bed rest at 13 weeks with her last pregnancy.  She was feeling pressure from her family to make the flight reservations.

The first person who answered her just simply told her it was safe for 99% of all pregnant people to fly.  She based this on what her doctor told her... rather then looking at the whole picture.  The  99% quote she gave is totally wrong anyways.  The CDC states that women who are high risk should not fly.  Even airline sites state this as well.  

The facts are that 5 to 20% of all pregnancies are high risk in varying degrees.  The extreme high risk category is between 5 and 10% of pregnancies.  The Mayo Clinic site has an article about airline safety during pregnancy.  They suggest that people should wait until 14 weeks of pregnancy before flying for various reasons.  1 the risk of miscarriage is lower then.  2 the risk of mourning sickness related injuries are less at that time as well.  They also stated on their site that people with clotting disorders and other conditions that make pregnancy high risk are at increased risk if they do fly.

They don't have any specific studies on flying with high risk but after what I experienced this time I can't imagine just telling people that it is completely safe go ahead with your plans... especially if they themselves are feeling concerned about it.  

I think the one thing that bugs me the most is... what about the babies rights?  Are they even thinking about that precious little life that is so fragile that one wrong fall and hurt it?  Are they thinking about the miracle that each little life is and how precious that life is?  Are they thinking about wether it is more important to protect that life or are they just selfishly looking out for themselves and their entertainment.

I just makes me so mad that anyone, who has a high risk pregnancy, would tell someone else... who most likely will have a high risk pregnancy... just to go for it.  This person told me that my story was scary and she didn't want that person to be scared by what happened to me during this pregnancy.  I can understand that... but I did tell first about my successful flying with baby Nels.    I flew all over the world with baby Nels!  

What I don't understand is why if there is any chance of harming your child would you even attempt it?  Life is to very precious.  I am not saying put your life on hold.  What I am saying is weight the costs.  If I had know that my trip to florida was going to put my baby's life at risk... I would not have gone.  I had even considered sending Chris alone ahead of time if the doctors gave me reasons.  Unfortunately... being passed around between doctors put me at risk of not knowing about the SCH that caused all the problems.  Had I known about it I would not have flied.  Why risk a child's life?  I so much desire to have one of my children with me that I think this subject effected me very deeply.  If I could have prevented any of my losses I would have done what ever I could do.

So instead of growing in anger about this and putting my own precious miracle at risk by my feelings I know I need to give this whole situation over to God.  I know that God can take care of this situation much better then I can.  God is the author and perfecter of life!

Abba, Heavenly Father, I come to you in the name of Yeshua, Jesus Christ your son and ask that you would work in the lives of these two ladies.  Lord firstly in the lady who is trying to get pregnant and was worried about flying, I ask that you give her and her doctors wisdom to know what to do when she becomes pregnant.  Lord I pray that she will more highly favor the life of her precious miracle, then a simple trip.  Lord lead and guide her.  If it would be better for her to wait until after her vacation to become pregnant then give her doctors the wisdom to tell her this.  Lord I pray for the other person who seems not to be bothered at all by the extra risk that flying puts on high risk patients.  Lord I pray that you would show her how precious those little miracles are that she would not take this so lightly.  Lord lead and guide her and show her how to best help and direct others in this situation.  Keep her ever mindful of what can happen so that she is errors on the side of caution rather then throwing caution to the wind. In Yeshua's name Amen!

One protective pup!

Honey our dog had a visitor today.  My mom and dad came to help Chris dig out our garden today and spray weed killer on spots while I stayed inside on the couch with the two dogs.  Ours and theirs.  

The too dogs are like brother and sister.  Our dog is only one day younger then theirs.  They are both the same color but totally different breeds and temperaments.  My mom and dad have a yellow lab named Buddy.  Buddy is a very loving dog but likes to be right there with you.  He is happy and jumps all around when you give him attention.  So cute.  Honey on the other hand, our dog, is a pug mixed with miniature eskimoo.  She is a lot smaller then Buddy but keeps him in check.

I was laying on the couch when mom put the dogs in the house.  Buddy came up and gave me a quick lick on the forehead and then began to bounce around a little.  Honey seeing this quickly jumped into action.  She herded Buddy away from the couch and then jumped up by my feet and stood guard.  It was kind of funny.  She knows that something is going on and has been keeping a close eye on me.  Once Buddy got bored and went into the office so he could see what they were doing outside Honey followed him.  I guess she felt she didn't need to guard me any more.

Exciting Results today!!!

I am so happy and so thankful to God for what He has done in our little miracles life!  It is amazing!!!  It is a blessing!!!!   Today I had a follow up ultrasound after waiting almost 3 weeks.  I was very nervous but I knew that God was there with me.  I had a good time of worship last night and just felt safe!

When they started the ultrasound the uterus was up they told me so the transvaginal ultrasound wasn't getting a good enough picture.  So they did the on the top ultrasound even though it is normally too early for that. 

The ultrasound equipment wasn't the highest quality in the office as it was in the ultrasound center... but I could see everything where the doctor and nurse pointed it out to me.

The baby is growing good and had a good heart beat although because of the equipment they could not give me the exact amount they just said it was good.  So I will trust that God has made the heart beat good!

In the picture above I traced where the baby was according to the doctor.  I know it is really hard to see.  It was just about as hard to see on the monitor too... but everything was good according to the doctor.  He said to go ahead and go to my appointment at the UW medical center, which is my next appointment on the 28th of May.  Praise the Lord!

They were having a tough time measuring the little one though.  Our little miracle was moving around a lot today!!!!  So since they had a hard time measuring the had an estimate of 8w6d, when it should be 9w1d.  But that is an ok difference and is explainable by the movement and by the fact that babies grow at different rates.  Before it was measuring 4 days behind so only 2 days behind is a big improvement in just a few weeks!

Lord God, I thank you for the little miracle you have put inside of me and continue to knit together.  Lord I pray that you bless this little one and help it to grow happy and healthy until you are ready for it to be born.  Thank you Lord for all that you have done and for your mercy and kindness unto me!  Amen!

Waiting on the Lord

Today, I am waiting on the Lord.  Tears fill my eyes as I pray for my little miracle.  I know that I have only a couple full days left and two night left to sleep before I find out how my little miracle has done for the last 3 weeks.  I decided that I should listen to some inspirational music today to lift my spirit so I put on my Natalie Grant Relentless CD.

The song I will not be moved from that CD helped me to press on after Nels was born.  I would usually just play that song because that is why I bought the CD... but this time I have been listening to the whole CD.  The words to the songs seem to be cutting deep into my spirit today.  

The second song is called  "In Better Hands".   One of the lines goes "There is hope when the faith runs out, I'm in better hands now."   I know that I have used all the faith that I have to stand for a miracle for this precious little miracle.  I know I have to put it in the hands of Jesus.  I know that my faith alone can not save this little one, and I know I need God's help right now.   Though my flesh wants to keep control of everything and know everything, my spirit is crying out for help.  I can't do this on my own.  

Lord God, I lay my baby in your hands right now and I ask that you continue the miracle you have begun.  Keep this little one safe.  Form it completely and in your perfect way.  God, you know I like to be in charge.  I know though that right now I must give all my control over to you.  Lord you are the author and perfecter of life.  In you I live and breath and have my being.  Keep my eyes focused on you and help me stand in faith for this little one.  It is with your grace and mercy that this little one will be a testament to you Lord God.  It has overcome so much so far, please Lord be with my little one and help us to receive good news from the doctors on Thursday. Amen!

The forth song had the following lyrics that I related to:

Back at my heart
Back at my fear
Back at my brokenness
Lord meet me here
I am exposed
And I'm not afraid anymore

Meanwhile back at my heart
I'm desperate for all that You are
Undo me and take me apart
Meanwhile back at my soul
Mend me, please make me whole
You know just where to start

I know that I can not live in fear any more and though my faith has been shaken, I know that God can reach in and make me whole!  I will not listen to the enemies lies that tear me down and push me back into the pain of the past.  I am so glad that God knows all about me and knows how to heal me.  

Matthew 9:21-23 (NIV)

²¹She said to herself, "If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed."

 ²²Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment.

I am this woman, I am the woman with the issue of blood.  I have lived this so many times in my life and I have had to reach out for the hem of Jesus garment so many times.  I know that many can say these same things... but I literally have been where this woman was.  At one point in my life I bleed for a year straight.  And now with this pregnancy and the SCH, I feel like I am back there grasping for Jesus!  Lord as I reach out for the hem of your garment heal the SCH and make sure my baby is safe and healthy!  

Then I got to the song Our Hope endures and I felt like it was telling my story... even though I know it was written for a woman who was battling cancer... I couldn't help but relate it to my life story.

"Our Hope Endures" Natalie Grant

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is torn
With illness but she marches on
Oh, 'cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
And this is our hope

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Words of the song that touched me the most are that our hope can endure through the worst of conditions.  It it like a fiery furnace situation.  Even in the midst of the fire, as long as we have God there in it with us, we can still have hope and no mater what the enemy throws at us we can press on!

The second to the last song is called "Make a Way", thought it totally is not about the same thing I am going through I can relate to it as well.  It talks about a young woman who goes out and does everything she can to make her dreams come true.  This young woman was broken down in the ways of the world.  She was hurt and pushed down, her dreams shattered.  But then she comes to the Lord and gives her life over to him.  The chorus of the song starts out with the young woman saying that she will make a way...on her own.

"But she was strong
And she would survive
A spark of hope had kept her dream alive
And she cried...

I'll make a way
I'll do whatever it takes
Even though it won't be easy
I have a plan and though I may not understand
Someday, I'll make a way"  From Make a way, Natalie Grant

Then at the end of the song this young woman goes into a church where she gives her self  and her plan over to Jesus because all hope had been taken from her and the chorus changes to this:

"So she bowed her head to pray
And said, Jesus, please make a way

And she heard Him say...

I'll make a way
I'll do whatever it takes
Even though it won't be easy
I have a plan and though you may not understand
Today, I'll make a way

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah
Today He'll make a way"

What spoke to me most about this song was that this young woman tried to go out and do everything on her own.  When she did this she  was hurt and broken.  Then when broken completely she gave her dream over to the Lord.  I know this is something that I have struggled with.  I did everything humanly possible after Nels died to try and get pregnant on my own.  I took the medication, I did the tests, I kept logs and schedules.  Then I lost again.  But still did not give up on the ways of man.  I tried again... and failed.  But in my brokenness when there was no more left of me.  When the doctors thought that the hypoplasia had come back and were doing biopsies.  When I was told there was not hope for that cycle any more, God stepped in.  I was so weary and sad.  I did not know what to do but to cry out to God.  Against all odds we found out later, that during that time of brokenness when I turned it all over to God and stopped hoping in the ways of man, I had conceived this little miracle.

Psalm 18 (NIV)

For the director of music. Of David the servant of the LORD. He sang to the LORD the words of this song when the LORD delivered him from the hand of all his enemies and from the hand of Saul. He said:

 ¹ I love you, O LORD, my strength.

 ² The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; 
       my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. 
       He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

 ³ I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, 
       and I am saved from my enemies.

 ⁴ The cords of death entangled me; 
       the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

 ⁵ The cords of the grave coiled around me; 
       the snares of death confronted me.

 ⁶ In my distress I called to the LORD; 
       I cried to my God for help. 
       From his temple he heard my voice; 
       my cry came before him, into his ears.

 ⁷ The earth trembled and quaked, 
       and the foundations of the mountains shook; 
       they trembled because he was angry.

 ⁸ Smoke rose from his nostrils; 
       consuming fire came from his mouth, 
       burning coals blazed out of it.

 ⁹ He parted the heavens and came down; 
       dark clouds were under his feet.

 ¹⁰ He mounted the cherubim and flew; 
       he soared on the wings of the wind.

 ¹¹ He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him— 
       the dark rain clouds of the sky.

 ¹² Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced, 
       with hailstones and bolts of lightning.

 ¹³ The LORD thundered from heaven; 
       the voice of the Most High resounded.

 ¹⁴ He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies , 
       great bolts of lightning and routed them.

 ¹⁵ The valleys of the sea were exposed 
       and the foundations of the earth laid bare 
       at your rebuke, O LORD, 
       at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

 ¹⁶ He reached down from on high and took hold of me; 
       he drew me out of deep waters.

 ¹⁷ He rescued me from my powerful enemy, 
       from my foes, who were too strong for me.

 ¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my disaster, 
       but the LORD was my support.

 ¹⁹ He brought me out into a spacious place; 
       he rescued me because he delighted in me.

 ²⁰ The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness; 
       according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.

 ²¹ For I have kept the ways of the LORD; 
       I have not done evil by turning from my God.

 ²² All his laws are before me; 
       I have not turned away from his decrees.

 ²³ I have been blameless before him 
       and have kept myself from sin.

 ²⁴ The LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness, 
       according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.

 ²⁵ To the faithful you show yourself faithful, 
       to the blameless you show yourself blameless,

 ²⁶ to the pure you show yourself pure, 
       but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd.

 ²⁷ You save the humble 
       but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.

 ²⁸ You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; 
       my God turns my darkness into light.

 ²⁹ With your help I can advance against a troop ; 
       with my God I can scale a wall.

 ³⁰ As for God, his way is perfect; 
       the word of the LORD is flawless. 
       He is a shield 
       for all who take refuge in him.

 ³¹ For who is God besides the LORD ? 
       And who is the Rock except our God?

 ³² It is God who arms me with strength 
       and makes my way perfect.

 ³³ He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; 
       he enables me to stand on the heights.

 ³⁴ He trains my hands for battle; 
       my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

 ³⁵ You give me your shield of victory, 
       and your right hand sustains me; 
       you stoop down to make me great.

 ³⁶ You broaden the path beneath me, 
       so that my ankles do not turn.

 ³⁷ I pursued my enemies and overtook them; 
       I did not turn back till they were destroyed.

 ³⁸ I crushed them so that they could not rise; 
       they fell beneath my feet.

 ³⁹ You armed me with strength for battle; 
       you made my adversaries bow at my feet.

 ⁴⁰ You made my enemies turn their backs in flight, 
       and I destroyed my foes.

 ⁴¹ They cried for help, but there was no one to save them— 
       to the LORD, but he did not answer.

 ⁴² I beat them as fine as dust borne on the wind; 
       I poured them out like mud in the streets.

 ⁴³ You have delivered me from the attacks of the people; 
       you have made me the head of nations; 
       people I did not know are subject to me.

 ⁴⁴ As soon as they hear me, they obey me; 
       foreigners cringe before me.

 ⁴⁵ They all lose heart; 
       they come trembling from their strongholds.

 ⁴⁶ The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock! 
       Exalted be God my Savior!

 ⁴⁷ He is the God who avenges me, 
       who subdues nations under me,

 ⁴⁸ who saves me from my enemies. 
       You exalted me above my foes; 
       from violent men you rescued me.

 ⁴⁹ Therefore I will praise you among the nations, O LORD; 
       I will sing praises to your name.

 ⁵⁰ He gives his king great victories; 
       he shows unfailing kindness to his anointed, 
       to David and his descendants forever.

Lord God, I thank you that you are my Rock and my Fortress!  I thank you that you have saved me from the snares of the enemy!  Lord as it says in the psalm you have brought light into my darkness.  You have blessed me Lord and have given me the desire of my heart while protecting me and this precious little one from the grasp of the enemy.  Lord I thank you that you are with me even now and that my tears which have been dried will not be forgotten or in vain.  Lord as I cried out to you for my baby, I pray that you heard my cry and that you answered my pleas.  Thank you Lord for saving my babies life and for helping it to grow happy and healthy.  Please be with me and this child through out the rest of this pregnancy.  In Jesus name, amen!

Doppler or no Doppler? .... that is today's question!

Today I read some posts about people renting or buy fetal doppler machines to use at home to hear the baby's heart beat.  This idea intrigues me on multiple levels.  First the ability to hear baby Nels's heart beat every day during the time I was hospitalized with him was such a blessing.  It brought peace and hope to my heart every time I heard his very strong, very healthy heartbeat.  Secondly I had purchased one of those things that you stick on your tummy after 20 weeks with Nels and at first it worked... but then as the fluid left it stopped working.  With the doppler however it would be able to more easily amplify the sound of the heart beat and what ever else the baby is doing in there.  

One other reason I am considering purchasing one is that they are way cheaper then I thought they would be on Ebay!  $95 including shipping.  It would cost nearly that much to rent one for only 3 months... but instead I would be able to use it throughout the pregnancy to hear the beautiful beating heart of my little miracle! 

I am however hesitant to purchase one right at this moment.  With the SCH and all that has happened in the last three weeks we do not know what we will find in the ultrasound on Thursday!

We are praying that we see a healthy happy baby growing great with a great heartbeat.  The doctor though told us this would be a viability ultrasound.  I hate that.  I would have much rather heard  the doctor  say something positive.  Any thing somewhat positive would have done nicely.  Instead I got... with your history risk of a miscarriage is never going to be totally gone.  

Please.... don't you think I know my history well enough to know this myself... but give me a break... the only baby I did carry past 8 weeks was actually born... so I think being this far right now is a good sign.  I am trying to be happy and excited for my baby.  So why did I hesitate and not buy the doppler right away?

I know that it is important to trust God and step out in faith!  But I also know that $100 can go a long way to help with other things as well.  So for know I am going to pray and hope.  Then when I get the good news on Thursday the first thing I will do, after praising God, is go to ebay to buy my doppler!

I think hearing the heart beat will be a great way for Chris and I to bond with this little miracle!

Thank you Lord God for today!  I thank you that you have a hedge of protection around my little miracle and that you are forming this little miracle perfectly inside me.  Lord I ask that you lead and guide me in the coming days and give me the peace and faith to trust that all will be well in the ultrasound on Thursday!  I ask that you give the doctor the ability to easily find the baby and the heart beat on thursday and that the baby will have caught up in size to what it is supposed to be with the dates!  Thank You Jesus for your healing and your mercy and your kindness!  Forgive me when I stumble and fall and when I am not strong enough to hold on to hope.  Be my strength when I am week and help me keep the faith for this precious miracle!  In thy name I pray, amen!

Lord, hold me close

Today I woke up at 2:30 am with some brown spotting from my SCH.  It was very heartbreaking and scared me.  Even though rationally I knew that eventually I should see some brown spotting as the end of the bleeding.  I still did not expect it.  It caught me off guard and made me scared a little again.  I actually figured with over a week of no spotting that I was completely healed and would not see any more blood.

There really wasn't very much  brown spotting and it was only when I wiped not on my pants so that was good.  At 2:30 I had been up because my husband has a cold and kept coughing.  So instead of going back to bed downstairs I journeyed up to my couch and put a couple prayer requests online before finally falling back asleep at 3:45 only to be woken up by a pastor friend from India at 6 am.  I have to remember to turn off my messenger when I am resting even though I like to be available all the time to pray with people.  Right now this baby needs me to take care of it.

I was so worried today.  Mother's day of all days!  I had told my husband earlier this week that I did not want to celebrate it this year.  I figured if I just pretended it was another day it wouldn't hurt so much that Nels wasn't with us and that this baby had gone through so much.  I did well keeping my emotions under rap.  I think that was strength that only God could have given me at this time.  I almost cried when my husband handed me a onesie that he bought the baby.... but I didn't.  

Chris really hasn't been feeling well so I did a little too much yesterday as we cleaned out my closet in preparation for selling out home.  I am almost positive that that work is what caused the bleeding to happen later on.  Though I did not do much I did enough to jar things loose.  I am so sorry that I did it.  I never wanted to put this baby in more danger.   

Tonight Chris is sleeping in the bed and I am back on the couch.  I do not want to get his cold so I am staying upstairs to stay safe.  That way too I will get better sleep as his coughing was waking me up so often.  Right before I went upstairs Chris broke down.  It seems that even though this was mother's day... not father's day... that Chris was just so sad and missing baby Nels.  He cried and said he would have done anything for little Nels... and I know he would.  Then he started crying about this little miracle.  It was the first time that he actually showed sadness about what has gone on and all the things this precious little miracle has gone through so far.

All I could to was hold him and let him cry it out.  Then he came upstairs and prayed for me and the baby.  God please protect our little miracle.  We are so thankful for blessing us with this miracle.  We need your help to make the baby happy and healthy with all the proper parts and organs.  

As I get ready to sign off the internet and go to bed all I can think about are my babies.  Baby Nels, this little miracle, and the babies that I lost before.  Lord I thank you for each and every one.  I ask that you please let the ones that are with you know that their mommy loves them so much and misses them very much.  Even though I don't really feel like I ever got to be a mom... I know that each one is a precious gift from God.  Lord God, if I could ask anything of you today on mother's day, it would be to please let this precious little miracle come stay with us so that we can raise this baby up in your ways and teach them all about Jesus! Amen!

Mother's Day #2

This year is my second year of mother's day being pregnant.  This special miracles due date is only a couple days different then baby Nels.  Last year I was so excited.  At this point I was just over 8 weeks pregnant... had an ultrasound picture that showed everything and couldn't wait to tell everyone all about my miracle baby (baby Nels).    I went to an art show they have hear every year with my mom and took my little ultrasound picture everywhere with me!  I showed everyone I knew!  It was wonderful!

This year I am much more guarded.  Baby Nels is no longer here and this little miracle has been through so much.  The only picture I have of this one barely looks like much so showing it to others doesn't really get the desired response yet.  Though I have been telling everyone about this precious little miracle, it has been more to get prayers, then just telling about it out of excitement.

I feel kind of bad about that.  Like this baby is missing out on some pretty happy emotions that baby Nels got to experience.  I was really excited at first with this little miracle... then all the stress began... then the SCH bleed and the misdiagnosed miscarriage.  All those things just brought stress and fear feelings.  Not good for me... and not good for the baby!

For the last couple days I have been more calm and more peaceful.  That is good for me and for the baby.  I do think though that tomorrow will be a very emotional day without baby Nels there to share it with me.  If I could I think I would just pretend it was another normal day.  That would not be fair to my mom though!  I really want to celebrate what a good mom she is and how she has helped me through this very hard time.

So for today I am going to forget about tomorrow and focus on just being as calm and peaceful for my little one as I can be.  Tomorrow I am sure there will be tears... even thinking about it now makes my eye a bit watery.  But I will go and celebrate my mom and hold on to the fact that even though it was for a very short hour... last year I was a mom too.

Hopefully next year will be better and I will have a little one in my arms to hug and love.

Calmer and quieter

Today is a much calmer day for me.    I was able to get a little work done by making a banner for the Unlocking PUV page that I am making in honor of baby Nels.  I am so excited to get this project going!  It is taking some time to learn the new software which at least gives me something to distract me while I am resting.

Yesterday I walked around a bit more upstairs but didn't do much.  I am still trying to do the bed rest as much as possible.  It seems to be working!  The SCH has not had any spotting in a week and no big problems since that last ultrasound... so I am praying that this means good things for this little miracle!  

I still can't wait to see the little one again on the 14th.... but I wish it was at the ultrasound center rather then at the clinic.  The ultrasound machines at the clinic just can't compare to the other ones.  The pictures are much fuzzier and heard to find anything in.  I am hoping that I will see hands, feet, fingers and toes next time!  All I saw was a heartbeat last time.  :)  But that is ok... it was a blessing to see that!

Thank you Lord for the lessons you showed me yesterday!  Thank you for helping me through today!  Thank you for blessing me with this little miracle!  Lord I pray that you will continue to knit this little miracle together in the way it should go!  Please make it's organs and body parts all perfect the way they are designed to be.  Help the baby to grow and help the heart rate to be what it is supposed to be.  Please keep this little one safe and put a hedge of protection around our little miracle.  Thank you Lord for all you are doing, amen!

Resist the toothless lion!

This is a little note of encouragement I wrote to some friends in a prayer group on Fertility Friends earlier today!  It was something that summed up how I was feeling today so I decided to write it here as well.  Before I began to read the word today and before I wrote this I was having a hard day.  Worrying about miscarriage and concerned about the baby's health.  Instead of dwelling on the negative I decided it was time to take some action and be positive!

Today I was in the need of some spiritual encouragement to so I went to God's word to find some verses to post around the house and to place on my heart.  One of the verses I found was this:

7Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

8Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.  10And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.  1 Peter 5:7-11

In context this verse is actually talking to young men in leadership and the elders of the church but I think it fits our situation well too.  You know when we stand in faith for our little miracles then satan gets angry and he looks to find ways to make us stubble and fall.  So what does he do?  He reminds us of loss and scares us into to thinking that this is happening again.  Especially when it is not.  He does not want us to rejoice in our precious little ones and for those who are still waiting for their precious miracles to start he does not want there to be faith to hold on to God's promises for miracles.   He wants to keep us bound by our fears.  Fears of loss, fears of not conceiving, and fear of everyday things.

Fear is one of the biggest tools of the enemy.  A few years ago I taught a sermon series on how fear is the opposite of Love.  We all know that God is Love.... and we all know that the author of fear is satan.  We need to be so wrapped in God's love by faith through His grace that the fears of the enemy can not consume us any more.

I am a big one to talk... I have been having trouble with fear ever since I thought the baby was gone in Florida.  The enemy whispered lies to me and tried to keep me bound.  But I am so fired up right now that I have the boldness and strength to say "NO MORE!!!"  No more fear, no more lies of the enemy no more being bound by confusion.  It is time that I stepped out in faith declaring the word of the Lord rather then repeating the lies of the enemy!  Woooo!  I am so excited.... I just don't know what else to do but Praise God for breaking those chains!!!!

I feel like just by writing these things down that there is new hope and fresh fire in my life!  For so long I kept repeating that God had not given me a spirit of fear.  That was good because I was declaring the word of God over my life.... but it wasn't enough to break free.

I needed to see the lies of the enemy for what they were.  I needed to be reminded that even though the enemy can roar... he is a toothless lion that can not devour me if I do not let him.  Thank you Jesus!  For being the true Lion... that we can lean on.  Thank you Jesus for being the Lion of the Tribe of Judah!  Thank you Jesus for taking those keys away from that toothless lion and helping us to overcome death and fear!

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  James 4:7

This too is such an important verse to hold on to when the enemy comes at us with lies.  It says if we resist him he must flee.  Praise God!  Now this verse in context is talking about us all being sinners and needing to be purified by God in our hearts an minds.  So when we seek forgiveness and are living in repentance we have the power to resist the enemy and make him flee from us!  That is so good!  God is so good!  It is by God's grace that we are able to stand against the plans of the enemy!

Lord God, I come to you right now in the name of Jesus Christ your son.  Lord God, pray that you will bind the enemy and his lies from all the lives of the women on this board.  What ever satan is trying to roar in to the lives of these women cut it off right now!  Lord bind satan and keep him far from these women.  Lord I ask right now that you send your Holy Spirit to minister to each one.  Where ever they are in this process Lord God, be with them!  Hold them in your hands and keep them safe from the plans of the enemy!  Lord I know that you have good plans for each and every one and that you Oh Lord long to grant the desires of their hearts.  Lord we that you that if we resist the enemy that he must flee.  Lord I pray that each one has your strength and your faith and your hope to resist the enemy today and to stand strong and bold in their faith.  Lord let each one be filled with your river of life that will flow through them unto others in their lives as well.  Lord I thank you that your mercies are new every morning.  Help me to remember what you have showed me today, tomorrow as I wake.  Do not let the fear come back into my life, but help me to stand strong in faith each day!  Lord I thank you for each miracle you have brought into this group.  Lord I pray that you protect each one and help them grow up happy and healthy.  Lord for those who have not yet received the news of their precious miracles I pray that you will work swiftly in their lives to grant the desires of their hearts.  Lord for those who are not trying right now I pray that you be with them and lead and guide them in what ever they are doing to glorify you in their lives.  In thy name I pray, Amen!

I hope that this will be a good reminder for all of us on how we can defeat the enemy's plans in our lives and how we can live in victory in Jesus!

With God we will gain the victory, and he will trample down our enemies. Psalm 60:12

Psalm 118

1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

2 Let Israel say:  "His love endures forever."

3 Let the house of Aaron say:  "His love endures forever."

4 Let those who fear the LORD say: "His love endures forever."

5 In my anguish I cried to the LORD,  and he answered by setting me free.

6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?

7 The LORD is with me; he is my helper.  I will look in triumph on my enemies.

8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.

9 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes.

10 All the nations surrounded me, but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.

11 They surrounded me on every side, but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.

12 They swarmed around me like bees, but they died out as quickly as burning thorns; in the name of the LORD I cut them off.

13 I was pushed back and about to fall,  but the LORD helped me.

14 The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.

15 Shouts of joy and victory resound in the tents of the righteous: "The LORD's right hand has done mighty things!

16 The LORD's right hand is lifted high;  the LORD's right hand has done mighty things!"

17 I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done.

18 The LORD has chastened me severely, but he has not given me over to death.

19 Open for me the gates of righteousness; I will enter and give thanks to the LORD.

20 This is the gate of the LORD through which the righteous may enter.

21 I will give you thanks, for you answered me; you have become my salvation.

22 The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone;

23 the LORD has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes.

24 This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

25 O LORD, save us; O LORD, grant us success.

26 Blessed is he who comes in the name of the LORD. From the house of the LORD we bless you.

27 The LORD is God, and he has made his light shine upon us. With boughs in hand, join in the festal procession up to the horns of the altar.

28 You are my God, and I will give you thanks; you are my God, and I will exalt you.

29 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

1 Corinthians 15:56-58

56The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

58Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

Philippians 3:14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus!

Keep standing strong!  Keep fighting!  Keep pressing on in Jesus!

:)

Kristin

Research is not always a good thing!

Earlier today I was feeling pretty good about what I had learned about fetal heart rate and where my little miracle was during the ultrasound a week and a half ago.  Then today I began to do more research.  Not because I wasn't happy with the answers I had found but because some one else wanted information on early heart rates.  So what do I do?  I begin to check again.  

This time I found similar information and then some scarier information.  The first information I had found about early heart rates being between 90 and 113 seems to be correct.  Most of the sites had something like that on 6 weeks or younger.  But then as I read more it said that at 6 weeks 3 days to 7 weeks that it should be between 110 and 120.  That caused a slight drop in excitement.  Then I read further in some studies that heart rates under 110 at around 6 and a half weeks were linked to early miscarriage.

Last week I found a study that said below 90 was a cause for concern.  I was much happier with that.  Now the stress of waiting to see has once again peaked.  

Lord God please make my babies heart rate go the way it is supposed to.  Make it a strong and healthy heart rate.  Let all the organs form correctly and let this baby live.... please Lord God.... take away my fears and replace them with faith and hope.  Lord be with me and lead me and guide me.  I cast all my cares at the foot of the cross.  I need you Lord to help me get through this stressful time.  I still have 8 days left until my next ultrasound.  You know Lord God how much we want this little miracle.  Please do not let it slip away from us.  Keep it safe and warm in my womb and let it be healthy and happy.  Lord help me to rely on you and not the wisdom of man.  You have already made this little miracle a miracle!  You showed us a heart beat when they told us the baby had left.  You gave us a pregnancy when they said it was not possible.  You made this little miracle and helped it overcome medications that should have made it disappear and a biopsy which could have taken it away.  This is your miracle Lord God!  I ask that you complete the miracle you have begun and that you make this little one grow.  In thy name I pray, Amen!

Last night was hard

Yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of the birth and death of our precious little Baby Nels who only lived one hour due to his PUV.  I missed him so much yesterday and would have liked to have gone to his grave site to take him flowers but alas.... no I was stuck on the couch.  

That made it hard for me.  I had such a restless night last night with tons of bad dreams having to do with his birth and life.  Then I had bad dreams about this little miracle as well.  It was awful.  I can't imagine going through another night like that.  I was trying so hard to stay on the positives yesterday but it seems as if during the night I failed.

God please help me to find peace and comfort in you today!  We miss you and love you baby Nels!  Thank you for holding on to mommies finger... even though it was only for a short time!

My bed rest and SCH

Bed rest can be a challenge for people with Type "A" personalities like me.  When people tell me to rest... to me that means don't go for a 3 mile run or 6 mile hike.  To completely rest for as many days as I have so far has been very challenging.  

I have to admit there were a few days that I did a little more then I was supposed to.  I had a wedding to officiate of someone I had know for his whole life on Saturday the 2nd so on Friday and Saturday I walked around more and had to carry a couple things in order to get what I needed to done... for example I had to carry my computer into my office to print wedding documents.  Thankfully though the bleeding of the SCH had subsided by Friday and it did not return due to the activity.  

I was able to go to the wedding Saturday, preform the service and get home to rest on my couch like a good girl... all without bleeding!  Yeah!  Praise God!

Since the ultrasound on Monday the 27th I had been concerned about one thing I heard during the ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech said that the baby's heart rate was 109.  This seemed awfully low to me.  She told me no it was normal for my gestation at the time of the ultrasound... so the next day when I had my appointment it completely slipped my mind to ask the doctor about it.  

Since I didn't ask though I began to panic and worry.  Which is not what God wants and not good for the baby!  It took a very long time but I finally on Thursday found a web site that gave me the normal heart rate for that early of a heart beat.  The normal range for that gestation was 90 to 113.  They also said on that page that only heart rates under 90 are ones they worry about for miscarriage.  That made me feel a little better because then this baby's heart rate was towards the top for their age!  

It didn't take away all the stress and worry though.  With every twinge I was concerned that that would be the last of my precious little miracle.  Last night I woke up in a panic and began to cry thinking that since I wasn't extremely hot at that moment that the baby was gone.  What I failed to realize was that the temperature had dropped 10 degrees in our house yesterday due to a little bit of a cold snap... so that is why I didn't feel extremely hot.

To be honest though, I haven't worried as much about PUV as I thought I would.  I am more concerned about this little miracle, who has fought so hard to get to this point, being born happy and healthy.  I so much want this baby to make it and to be healthy.  I know that is what every parent wants for their child to have a happy, healthy baby.  For me this has been the greatest challenge of my life.

I am praying God has a hedge of protection around this little miracle and that He is knitting together this baby's body with all the organs and body parts in the right place and doing the right things!  

My next appointment is still 9 days away.  That is a long time to wait to find out more about the baby.  I have noticed though that my uterus is expanding like it should.  When I lay on one side my little bump is able to be felt.  

This morning before getting up I just laid with my hand on the little miracle bump and prayed and prayed.  I put everything in God's hands.  I know God is in control and that He can help this little miracle be born and have a good life.

I am still praying that this little one is a girl... just because I don't want this baby to have to face what little Nels had to face.  Plus we had been told that we would have a little girl who would dance for Jesus... so that is what we are praying will happen and that God's words spoken to us through several different people will come true with this child.

For now I must be patient.  I must rest.  I must trust God.  I must have faith to overcome.  I must find my strength in the joy of the Lord and celebrate this precious little ones life!

Lord God, I thank you so much for this little miracle.  I ask that you continue to knit it together the way it is supposed to be.  Please make all the baby's organs and parts work correctly.  Please help the heart rate to rise to where it is supposed to be for the rest of the pregnancy.  Lord, thank you for the opportunity to carry another child.  Please God let this one be one that we can raise up in your ways and one that we can teach all about you!  Lord we need your help right now to make it through this process.  We need your love to surround us and hope to abound.  Please put a hedge of protection around the baby.  Lord continue to heal me from the SCH and make it so I do not bleed any more during this pregnancy.  In Yeshua's (Jesus) name, Amen!