Since I found out about being pregnant the thing I have been most concerned about is wether it will be the girl that we were prophesied about or wether it would be a boy like Nels. The main reason for concern is of course PUV. Girls simply do not have PUV so it would be so much better to know that I was having a girl. It would make me more relax through the rest of the pregnancy and would help me not to worry as much.
When we had our scan on wednesday one of my friends was sweet enough to offer to post the picture to have people guess what gender it was. This friend has been through the terror of PUV recently as well and found out at 16 weeks that she was having a little girl. Well the results she got back were that 10 people thought the baby was a boy and only 6 thought it was a girl.
So I did some research... what are these people looking at to figure out the gender. Well what they are looking for is called a nub. On my ultrasound pictures though I did not see any of the nub like things that I had seen in the demonstration pictures. Plus the baby was doing sit ups during the picture taking. Still I began to freak out. Freaking out is not good for the baby.
I know that what they are looking at unless highly skilled and trained... they probably can't tell for sure. Plus I know that when they did do the potty shot... there was nothing visible. With Nels... there was... I just ignored it thinking that all baby's looked like that at 12 weeks. This one was done a week later then Nels's so I figured if it was a boy it would be quite evident.
So in reaction to this what do I do? Take more of those silly gender quizes. I took about 4 more. Each one giving higher percentages for girl, 83% girl, 70% girl and two that just said girl. I know that these quizes are even less accurate then the nub thing. I even wrote about it in an earlier blog... but it did seem to bring me a tiny bit of peace though. Not enough to make a real difference.
I know that my peace needs to come from God. I constantly hear people say that God won't give you more then you can handle, and I know this is Biblical. I just don't understand how much we are supposed to handle some times. All this waiting to find out if the baby is a girl is really stressing me out at this point.
I can't change what God has planned. I know this too. I just broke down today thinking about what it would be like if it were a boy. I think I would literally fall to teeny tiny piece on the floor. It would be devastating having to be concerned about PUV for the next 6 months. Worried every day about wether or not my babies lungs would develop or wether it would live longer then the hour I had with Nels. I don't think I could handle it to be honest. Then when the baby was born... seeing a little boy every day would only be like a constant reminder to me of what we lost and how he could have been saved if it was caught earlier.
Why am I going through this. I just want peace and a happy healthy little girl. Some people may think that this is selfish of me to want a girl. But I can't really help how I feel right now. Would I hate having a boy. No, but it would be difficult. I am not going to lie. I really really want a happy healthy baby. I wish I could just fast forward the next 6 weeks so I could know what is going on better.
I want to be excited about my baby, not scared of losing it. I want to rejoice and not be in fear. I want my baby to know it is loved no mater what it is. Please God, help me. I can't do this on my own. I am so lost right now.
Too much stress is going on for my little one. I don't want it to be hurt by my fears and emotions.
Lord God, I come to you today in confusion. I know Lord that you are not the author of confusion so I bind that and say to the evil one that he has no place in my life. Lord I ask that you lead and guide me and keep me safe. I ask that you hold me in your hand and that you put a hedge of protection around my precious little miracle. Lord I know that you do not want me to feel this way. I am ashamed of my actions and my fear. Please Lord guide my steps. Keep me focused on you and not on what others say. Help me to get through this difficult time. In Jesus name, amen.