There were 2 miracles... one went to heaven!

Today I went for my big appointment at UWMC!  I was nervous but excited at the same time!  I figured that I would get a chance to see my baby today and was very excited about that but scared at the same time that we wouldn't find what we wanted.  A healthy happy baby.  

My Doctor at the UW is great!  I really trust her and I know she knows me well after the time I spent in the hospital last year.  I had written a list of questions but none of them had to do with what we actually saw on the ultrasound monitor today.

When we started looking at the ultrasound screen my doctor said "It looks like you lost a twin."  Twin?  That was something new added to this very messy mess.  Wow, although it was something I considered and even prayed about in the hotel room in Florida, there was no evidence of a twin until today!  We saw baby A with a happy healthy heart beat between 164 and 174 and then right below that we saw a sac that was close to the same size as baby A's but with out a baby in it.  

The baby must have been lost in Florida due to the Subchorionic Hemorrhage.   I wasn't sure how to feel at first.  I had mixed emotions.  After worrying about the one baby I knew about the whole time for such a long time I didn't know how to feel about the precious little one that I lost and didn't even know it.

I am happy and excited that my one baby is doing so well!  I am looking forward to the NT Ultrasound in 2 weeks.  It is a very in depth ultrasound which measures many parts of the baby... including the bladder.  So we will be able to see things clearer in 2 weeks.

I am sad though that I had a chance to have to precious miracles that could have played together and grown up together and now will never get that chance.  I hope that baby B is safe in Jesus arms.  Chris and I decided to call baby B  Beautiful Miracle.  So Beautiful Miracle is in heaven now with baby Nels.  We don't know why this had to happen but we know that God is in control.

Abba, Heavenly Father we thank you for Baby A and for making Baby A happy and healthy!  We thank you for a happy healthy heart rate and for good movement.  Lord we thank you for Beautiful Miracle as well.  We are so sad that Beautiful Miracle could not come and be with us but we are thankful for the short amount of time that you gave us to cherish her.  Lord continue to work in Baby A's life and help it to develop completely and to be born happy and healthy.  In Jesus name, Amen!

1 day left to wait

I only have one day left before my big appointment at the University of Washington Medical Center tomorrow.  It has been a long two weeks but I know that God has been with me and the baby.

This morning at 4am  I had a tiny tiny brown spot that sent me for a loop.  But Chris prayed with me and I felt peaceful enough to fall back asleep again.  I know that God is in control of this little miracle's life and that God will protect it.

I am praying for a good appointment tomorrow.   I hope that it will go well and that the baby will be happy and healthy and that the Doctor will give me good news.

Today I got a call from my insurance company.  They have set me up with a nurse that will call me every couple weeks or so to check up on me and the baby.  I guess this is something they do for high risk people.  It is kind of a nice thing because I will have someone to talk to about questions when I don't get to talk with the doctor.  They are going to give me another call next week to see how my appointment went.

They were concerned that none of the normal blood work was done at 8 weeks.  All I had around that time... 9w1d was the blurry ultrasound.  Hopefully they will do some tests and stuff tomorrow to make sure that everything is going right.

I also update the theme on this page to go along with the think pink moto!  How do you like it?  Very pink huh!  I like it!  It matches me! Holding on to Faith, Hope, Love and Joy!

Thank you God for today with my little miracle!  Lord I pray that you will put a hedge of protection around my little one today and that you will help it show up happy and healthy for the appointment tomorrow.  Lord help the baby to form the way it is supposed to with all the organs and parts where they are supposed to be.  Thank you God for loving and caring for my precious miracle and for filling me with hope even through the very hard times.  Lord I pray that the SCH is completely healed now and that I will not spot more.  In Jesus name, Amen!

I heard the swoshing!

Today for the first time I actually heard the swoshing sound of the baby's heart beat!  Before when I got the heart beat on the monitor, I did not hear the sound but only got the digital read out.  This time it was the total opposite.  I heard the sound but did not get the digital read out of the heart rate... but I tell you what.... hearing it's little heart beating is even better then seeing a number on the screen!  

It was amazing!  Since it is a holiday Chris was there with me this morning when I checked for it.  He actually had me stopping at the spot because he thought he heard something.  We waited for a tiny bit and there it was "swish swosh, swish swosh"  it's the most wonderful sound in the world to me right now!  It means my baby is still there and still growing!  Praise God!

Thank you God for the beautiful sounds you shared with me this morning!  I know that it was because of you that I was able to hear the heart beat!  What a blessing!  God you are the great creator... you give everything life!  Thank you for breathing life into my baby and helping it to grow healthy and happy in my womb!  God forgive me for being scared yesterday.  Give me the strength to keep pressing on and the faith to hold on to the hope for this little miracle!  In Jesus name, Amen!

Now I see why I was warned about the doppler!

Today had a rough start to it.  I decided first thing that I wanted to try and find the baby's heart rate this morning.  I tried for an hour and a half and really could not pinpoint the baby.  I did hear a little movement but was concerned.

As I laid on the couch later I tried to feel where the baby would be... again did happen.  I could not feel my uterus at all today when I was on the couch.  Later on I went down stairs to lay down and try to find it and I did.  I guess the couch just wasn't the right position.  

One person tried to warn me about dopplers and the frustration with not finding the heart rate some times.  I thought that it would only bring me comfort though seeing that the heart rate was beating away.  I was pretty sure that I would be able to find the baby's heart rate too.... after being in the hospital with all the monitoring last year with Nels.  I got really good at working all the equipment.

Today though I got scared and frustrated after not finding a suitable baby heart rate in the morning.  One of my friends suggested drinking some cold water and trying again. (Thanks for the idea! :) ) So later in the afternoon I decided to try that.  Well, I think I might have gotten the heart rate and even heard a tiny swishing sound for barely 2 seconds.  Then I heard a lot of other noise and couldn't find the heart rate again.  I kept running into mine everywhere I went.  It is easy to tell my heart rate from a baby's heart rate.  Mine sound like the normal thump thump sound of a heart that we are all used to.  A baby's heart sounds more like a swish swish sound though.

I am more at ease tonight but I asked my husband to pray for me and the baby.  I don't have any other reasons to be concerned right now.  

I am thankful that the SCH seems to have cleared itself up.  I haven't had any bleeding for quite some time now!  Praise God!!  To God be the glory for that!  I also haven't had any cramping or pressure either, which is good!  The only cramping I have had has been gastrointestinal in nature, because of a couple days of the runs. Sorry for the TMI :)  Anyways there are no big signs that I should be concerned... so I need to get back to focusing on the blessing that this child is and enjoy my last few days of couch rest before my big appointment on Thursday!

I am really hoping that everything goes really well on Thursday!  I hope that it will be a good appointment and that maybe I will be taken off couch duty!  :)  I know that the pelvic rest and the lifting restrictions were given to me for the whole pregnancy so I am not going to count on getting off those restrictions but the couch rest might be escapable!

Dear Lord God, I come to you tonight and ask that you continue to form my little baby in my womb.  Help it's heart to beat right, help it's parts to grow right and help it to be born happy and healthy.  Lord I lay my burdens at the foot of the cross and ask that you give me the peace that passes understanding right now.  Lord I know that my baby is in your skillful hands and that you are working miracles in it's life right now.  Lord bless this little one and help it to grow.  I dedicate this child to you oh Lord even now and I promise to raise it up in your ways.  Lord thank you for all you are doing and that you for being with me in the days that I have to wait between appointments.  Thank you God for all that you are doing, amen!

Can't stop crying

Last night at Midnight her time my friend Stephanee had her baby boy Vayden.    We had been praying so hard for them for such a long time.  Vayden had PUV just like baby Nels.  About an hour after he was born I recieved a call from Stephanee.  She sounded peaceful and strong.

She told me that Vayden was born 4 lbs 14 ounces.  Only one ounce smaller then his older brother.  She told me he was breathing on his own with out the tubes but his breathing was labored.  Stephanee said that he looked just like his older brother when he was born and was perfect and beautiful.

Then she said that he was making some crying noises and that is when I heard him.  It wasn't really a full on cry just a little peep and it sounded so much like the cooing noises that baby Nels made when he was born.

Vayden lived in his mommy and daddy's loving arms for three hours and 45 minutes and then went to the loving arms of Jesus.  I am sure there were many little boys waiting for him when he got there including all the ones  who were born in the last year in our PUV group.  Probably many more as well.

Hearing Vayden brought back so many memories of baby Nels.  I can't believe that it will be 7 months soon since he went to be with Jesus.  I could hardly sleep last night.  I wanted to be available so that anytime Stephanee might have needed me I could be there for her on the phone.

Last night I was still on adrenaline wanting to help but this morning is different.  The tears have been flowing today and I can't seem to turn them off.  I feel so bad that any baby would have to go through having PUV and that so many of them simply do not make it.   I am blessed to know of some baby's and little boys who have overcome PUV as well.  I just wish they all could live long and happy lives.

I am so proud of Stephanee.  She is such a good mom and she surrounded her little one with love for the time he was here on earth.  

Lord God, I pray for Stephanee and Van, that you would surround them with Angels to watch over them and guard them during this time.  Help them with their sorrow and keep them safe.  Lord God, I thank you for the time that you gave Vayden here on earth to share his love with Van and Stephanee.  Lord, though that time was short I know that that little boy had nothing but love fill his life.  God please comfort and guide Stephanee and Van.  Bring them closer together during this hard time and not further apart.  Give them the strength they need to press on and help their other son to some day understand.  Lord I pray a hedge of protection around this family right now.  Send friends and family their way to hold them up in this hard time.  Thank you Lord for Vayden.  Thank you for letting him be born alive and thank you for making him whole now in heaven.  In Jesus name, Amen!

Stephanee, our heart are with you, Van, Vayden, & Vashon right now!  I know the next few day and months will be difficult.  I want you to know that I am here for you no mater what.

Friends effected by PUV

One of the friend's I have made along this journey since baby Nels was born Stephanee is in labor as I type with her precious little boy Vayden who has PUV.  I have been praying so hard for her and baby Vayden since we met.  

When we first talked Stephanee was going through a hard time.  They had attempted to do the shunt surgery on Vayden but the placenta was in the way so they were unable to preform this life saving surgery.

Stephanee has been so strong through this time.  She has celebrated Vayden's life and is praying for a miracle for him... as are we all.  He needs a miracle to be able to breath because she was so low on amniotic fluid so early in her pregnancy.  

I am praying right now and waiting to hear news of his birth.  Earlier this week Stephanee asked if her mom could contact me so that I could notify some of our mutual friends.  She was scheduled to be induced on June 5th.... but baby Vayden decided to come early.   I gladly agreed to be her contact as I would do anything I can to help my friends who are going through what I went through with Nels.  I only wish I could be there for her in person.  Dang bed rest!  

Please pray with me for Vayden!  Please pray that he will have a miracle and will be able to breath!  Pray that he is able to pee!  Pray that he overcomes the odds and is a fighter!  Please pray also for comfort and guidance for my Friend Stephanee and her husband.  They need all of our prayers now!

Baby Vayden, your mommy and daddy love you so much!  Please breath for them!  Show them your love!  Fill their hearts with peace!

10 weeks 2 days

It is hard to believe that I am already at 10 weeks 2 days with this little miracle.  Who would have thought after going through all the stuff this little one has gone through that it would still be with me today!  What a blessing and a miracle!  

I am so thankful to God that this little miracle has stayed with us and is growing!  I won't know any more official stuff until I go to my appointment on the 28th.  Then I will find out more about the next steps with this precious little one.  Until then I have remained on my modified couch/bedrest to keep this little one with us.  I don't want to take any undo chances and I am trying to take the best care of this little miracle!

This morning I woke up at 5 to an upset stomach.  That always makes me a little nervous... because it is hard to tell where the cramping is coming from.  I got up and had a bad case of the runs.  Well, that answered where those cramps were from... and although it took some stress away it was stressful and I was concerned about the safety of the baby.

My husband was wide awake when I came back in the room.  Instead of being angry that he was woken at 5 am on his week off he simply sat up to talk to me.  I asked him to pray for the baby when I laid back down.  He gently too my hand and said a prayer for the baby.  Then he kept hold my hand as I fell back asleep, feeling safe and protected.  He sat there with me for a long time just hold my hand as I slept and then eventually he laid back down and got some more rest himself.

I am so thankful for Chris.  He has been so good during this pregnancy.  Although not without his moments, he really has been there for me and the baby.  It is very nice.   He support me when I get concerned about what is going to go on with this baby and he prays with me for it's life and health each day.   PUV was our first concern.  So we have been praying for a little girl partially because we do not want to go through what we went through before and partially because we have had people in the past tell us we would have a little girl that would dance for Jesus.

As you know... our son Nels that we lost to PUV... was so important to us!  He was our first miracle.  We have always been thankful for the short time we got with him.  It was so important to us to have that time.  PUV has been a big concern to us ever since then.  The fact that it happens to 1 in 8000 baby boys is a awful thing.  On Facebook we have made a group to help others who have PUV in their families.  We have made many friends during this time.  Recently one of the mom's had her baby, and praise God he is living and doing well according to her.  This family was truly blessed.  It is nice to hear that someone has survived being born with PUV.... it doesn't happen that often with our group but when it does it is a reason to celebrate.   I wished I could be of more help to those with surviving boys but that was not my experience.  Thankfully though there is a wonderful lady who's son was born with PUV who lives not far from the one who just had her little one.  I pray that the new mom will be able to learn a lot from the experience of her and from the experiences of the other women in the group as well.

We have also had several of our PUV friends lose their precious little ones as well.  With those we are better able to help because we have been there.  It is so sad that so many do not make it.  It is even harder when the prognosis is given really early!  There are many brave women in the PUV group who have fought hard for their little one and carried them as long as they could.  I am so proud of those moms who did their best to give their little ones a chance at a miracle.  I have seen many of the women, though broken by the loss, come out empowered to help others.  That is amazing.  Though crushed in their spirits these women have come back to help others through hard times, reach out to others in similar situations and give of their heart to those who have lost precious little ones.  Their strength is a powerful testament not only to their love of their little ones but to their faith as well.

I am not sure how one could get through this type of situation without faith.  Yesterday, I met one new mom to our group.  She really just gave her life to Christ after going through losing her son to PUV.  A church in their community helped them through their very difficult time and they were baptized 2 months after the birth and loss of their son.  It was an amazing testimony.  So powerful how God picked them up out of their time of deep sorrow and set them on a path of faith.   Now she too is reaching out to others.  Praise God!

Dear Lord God, I thank you for our precious little miracle.  I thank you that you are knitting together every part of this precious child.  Lord please make our child happy and healthy and let it be born and come home with us to raise up in your ways.  Lord God, I thank you for each and every person I have met in the PUV group.  I thank you that you are working in their lives.  Lord, even through the pain you have made beauty come out of their lives.  Lord God I pray for each and every boy who is living with PUV that is in our group.  Lord work in their lives and help their families to overcome all the obstacles in their way.  Heal the little one, and give those who need kidneys their kidneys.  Lord be with each family and lead and guide them.  Lord I pray for Stephanee right now as she prepare to have Vayden in June.  Lord be with her and Van, comfort them and guide them during this difficult time.  Hold them in your loving arms.  Lord as the one little boy was born a miracle recently I ask for a miracle for Vayden as well.  You, Oh Lord, know what is best for little Vayden so I give that whole situation to you.  In Jesus name I pray, Amen.