We have the Doppler! :)

Our Fetal Doppler machine arrived in the mail on Monday afternoon.  It's pink!  :)  I knew that it may not show me anything yet on Monday but I really really wanted to try it out!  So what do I do?  Of course I put it together, put the batteries in and the ultrasound gel on and started it up.  

From when I was in the hospital with baby Nels I pretty much knew how to find the baby's heart beat.  I also read in the instructions that you may not actually hear it until 12 weeks when it is loud enough for the doppler to hear.  

When I got the little heart flashing I knew I was close to a heart beat... would it be mine or the baby's?  First one... was the baby's.... it stayed in the good range from 135 to 160, but I had to move the doppler around because the baby had plenty of swimming room and swimming was definitely taking place.  The cool think was... even though I could not hear the heart beat... I heard the kicking and swimming movement!  How cool is that!

Shortly after losing it again after more movement I found a heart rate again.  This time it was much lower.  Instead of freaking out... which I would have done if I had not been monitored for 35 days with Nels.... I simply figure out that I had found my heart beat.  Which was also in the correct range!

Thank You Lord!  What a wonderful invention that you taught man how to make!

Then Tuesday I decided to try again.  This time every time I found a heart rate it was mine.  I tried not to panic because I know that it is very difficult even for some doctors to find it at this point but I did get a little bummed after 10 minutes of trying with no good results.

My husband came in the room and asked "Why the pouty face?"  I told him I couldn't find the heart rate and he jumped in and said "Let me help you!"  Normally I would have just said I was ok and that we didn't need to try again but with all that has gone on with this little miracle I just wanted to make sure that everything was still alright! 

So I layed down... 1 minute later... we saw a 135 heart rate... then 138 and 150.  Woooo hooo!  Chris was able to find the baby!  It was completely on the opposite side of my uterus!

Lord God, I thank you for the invention of the doppler so I can see my baby's heart rate.  Lord I ask that you continue to give our baby a great heart rate and that you make this little miracle grow up strong and healthy and happy!  Lord I thank you for each day with my little miracle!  Lord lead and guide me and lead and guide the doctors when they see me.  Thank you Lord for the blessing of my husband and for his patience and understanding!  Lord keep him safe and lead and guide him as well!  In thy name I pray!  Amen!!!!

Protecting precious miracles!

Why would anyone take unnecessary risks with a high risk pregnancy?  Yesterday I ended up in a debate on the website Fertility Friends when someone asked if it was ok for high risk people to fly in the first trimester.  The person who was asking the question was nervous about making trip plans because she was planing on getting pregnant and had been put on bed rest at 13 weeks with her last pregnancy.  She was feeling pressure from her family to make the flight reservations.

The first person who answered her just simply told her it was safe for 99% of all pregnant people to fly.  She based this on what her doctor told her... rather then looking at the whole picture.  The  99% quote she gave is totally wrong anyways.  The CDC states that women who are high risk should not fly.  Even airline sites state this as well.  

The facts are that 5 to 20% of all pregnancies are high risk in varying degrees.  The extreme high risk category is between 5 and 10% of pregnancies.  The Mayo Clinic site has an article about airline safety during pregnancy.  They suggest that people should wait until 14 weeks of pregnancy before flying for various reasons.  1 the risk of miscarriage is lower then.  2 the risk of mourning sickness related injuries are less at that time as well.  They also stated on their site that people with clotting disorders and other conditions that make pregnancy high risk are at increased risk if they do fly.

They don't have any specific studies on flying with high risk but after what I experienced this time I can't imagine just telling people that it is completely safe go ahead with your plans... especially if they themselves are feeling concerned about it.  

I think the one thing that bugs me the most is... what about the babies rights?  Are they even thinking about that precious little life that is so fragile that one wrong fall and hurt it?  Are they thinking about the miracle that each little life is and how precious that life is?  Are they thinking about wether it is more important to protect that life or are they just selfishly looking out for themselves and their entertainment.

I just makes me so mad that anyone, who has a high risk pregnancy, would tell someone else... who most likely will have a high risk pregnancy... just to go for it.  This person told me that my story was scary and she didn't want that person to be scared by what happened to me during this pregnancy.  I can understand that... but I did tell first about my successful flying with baby Nels.    I flew all over the world with baby Nels!  

What I don't understand is why if there is any chance of harming your child would you even attempt it?  Life is to very precious.  I am not saying put your life on hold.  What I am saying is weight the costs.  If I had know that my trip to florida was going to put my baby's life at risk... I would not have gone.  I had even considered sending Chris alone ahead of time if the doctors gave me reasons.  Unfortunately... being passed around between doctors put me at risk of not knowing about the SCH that caused all the problems.  Had I known about it I would not have flied.  Why risk a child's life?  I so much desire to have one of my children with me that I think this subject effected me very deeply.  If I could have prevented any of my losses I would have done what ever I could do.

So instead of growing in anger about this and putting my own precious miracle at risk by my feelings I know I need to give this whole situation over to God.  I know that God can take care of this situation much better then I can.  God is the author and perfecter of life!

Abba, Heavenly Father, I come to you in the name of Yeshua, Jesus Christ your son and ask that you would work in the lives of these two ladies.  Lord firstly in the lady who is trying to get pregnant and was worried about flying, I ask that you give her and her doctors wisdom to know what to do when she becomes pregnant.  Lord I pray that she will more highly favor the life of her precious miracle, then a simple trip.  Lord lead and guide her.  If it would be better for her to wait until after her vacation to become pregnant then give her doctors the wisdom to tell her this.  Lord I pray for the other person who seems not to be bothered at all by the extra risk that flying puts on high risk patients.  Lord I pray that you would show her how precious those little miracles are that she would not take this so lightly.  Lord lead and guide her and show her how to best help and direct others in this situation.  Keep her ever mindful of what can happen so that she is errors on the side of caution rather then throwing caution to the wind. In Yeshua's name Amen!

One protective pup!

Honey our dog had a visitor today.  My mom and dad came to help Chris dig out our garden today and spray weed killer on spots while I stayed inside on the couch with the two dogs.  Ours and theirs.  

The too dogs are like brother and sister.  Our dog is only one day younger then theirs.  They are both the same color but totally different breeds and temperaments.  My mom and dad have a yellow lab named Buddy.  Buddy is a very loving dog but likes to be right there with you.  He is happy and jumps all around when you give him attention.  So cute.  Honey on the other hand, our dog, is a pug mixed with miniature eskimoo.  She is a lot smaller then Buddy but keeps him in check.

I was laying on the couch when mom put the dogs in the house.  Buddy came up and gave me a quick lick on the forehead and then began to bounce around a little.  Honey seeing this quickly jumped into action.  She herded Buddy away from the couch and then jumped up by my feet and stood guard.  It was kind of funny.  She knows that something is going on and has been keeping a close eye on me.  Once Buddy got bored and went into the office so he could see what they were doing outside Honey followed him.  I guess she felt she didn't need to guard me any more.

Exciting Results today!!!

I am so happy and so thankful to God for what He has done in our little miracles life!  It is amazing!!!  It is a blessing!!!!   Today I had a follow up ultrasound after waiting almost 3 weeks.  I was very nervous but I knew that God was there with me.  I had a good time of worship last night and just felt safe!

When they started the ultrasound the uterus was up they told me so the transvaginal ultrasound wasn't getting a good enough picture.  So they did the on the top ultrasound even though it is normally too early for that. 

The ultrasound equipment wasn't the highest quality in the office as it was in the ultrasound center... but I could see everything where the doctor and nurse pointed it out to me.

The baby is growing good and had a good heart beat although because of the equipment they could not give me the exact amount they just said it was good.  So I will trust that God has made the heart beat good!

In the picture above I traced where the baby was according to the doctor.  I know it is really hard to see.  It was just about as hard to see on the monitor too... but everything was good according to the doctor.  He said to go ahead and go to my appointment at the UW medical center, which is my next appointment on the 28th of May.  Praise the Lord!

They were having a tough time measuring the little one though.  Our little miracle was moving around a lot today!!!!  So since they had a hard time measuring the had an estimate of 8w6d, when it should be 9w1d.  But that is an ok difference and is explainable by the movement and by the fact that babies grow at different rates.  Before it was measuring 4 days behind so only 2 days behind is a big improvement in just a few weeks!

Lord God, I thank you for the little miracle you have put inside of me and continue to knit together.  Lord I pray that you bless this little one and help it to grow happy and healthy until you are ready for it to be born.  Thank you Lord for all that you have done and for your mercy and kindness unto me!  Amen!

Waiting on the Lord

Today, I am waiting on the Lord.  Tears fill my eyes as I pray for my little miracle.  I know that I have only a couple full days left and two night left to sleep before I find out how my little miracle has done for the last 3 weeks.  I decided that I should listen to some inspirational music today to lift my spirit so I put on my Natalie Grant Relentless CD.

The song I will not be moved from that CD helped me to press on after Nels was born.  I would usually just play that song because that is why I bought the CD... but this time I have been listening to the whole CD.  The words to the songs seem to be cutting deep into my spirit today.  

The second song is called  "In Better Hands".   One of the lines goes "There is hope when the faith runs out, I'm in better hands now."   I know that I have used all the faith that I have to stand for a miracle for this precious little miracle.  I know I have to put it in the hands of Jesus.  I know that my faith alone can not save this little one, and I know I need God's help right now.   Though my flesh wants to keep control of everything and know everything, my spirit is crying out for help.  I can't do this on my own.  

Lord God, I lay my baby in your hands right now and I ask that you continue the miracle you have begun.  Keep this little one safe.  Form it completely and in your perfect way.  God, you know I like to be in charge.  I know though that right now I must give all my control over to you.  Lord you are the author and perfecter of life.  In you I live and breath and have my being.  Keep my eyes focused on you and help me stand in faith for this little one.  It is with your grace and mercy that this little one will be a testament to you Lord God.  It has overcome so much so far, please Lord be with my little one and help us to receive good news from the doctors on Thursday. Amen!

The forth song had the following lyrics that I related to:

Back at my heart
Back at my fear
Back at my brokenness
Lord meet me here
I am exposed
And I'm not afraid anymore

Meanwhile back at my heart
I'm desperate for all that You are
Undo me and take me apart
Meanwhile back at my soul
Mend me, please make me whole
You know just where to start

I know that I can not live in fear any more and though my faith has been shaken, I know that God can reach in and make me whole!  I will not listen to the enemies lies that tear me down and push me back into the pain of the past.  I am so glad that God knows all about me and knows how to heal me.  

Matthew 9:21-23 (NIV)

²¹She said to herself, "If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed."

 ²²Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment.

I am this woman, I am the woman with the issue of blood.  I have lived this so many times in my life and I have had to reach out for the hem of Jesus garment so many times.  I know that many can say these same things... but I literally have been where this woman was.  At one point in my life I bleed for a year straight.  And now with this pregnancy and the SCH, I feel like I am back there grasping for Jesus!  Lord as I reach out for the hem of your garment heal the SCH and make sure my baby is safe and healthy!  

Then I got to the song Our Hope endures and I felt like it was telling my story... even though I know it was written for a woman who was battling cancer... I couldn't help but relate it to my life story.

"Our Hope Endures" Natalie Grant

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is torn
With illness but she marches on
Oh, 'cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
And this is our hope

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Words of the song that touched me the most are that our hope can endure through the worst of conditions.  It it like a fiery furnace situation.  Even in the midst of the fire, as long as we have God there in it with us, we can still have hope and no mater what the enemy throws at us we can press on!

The second to the last song is called "Make a Way", thought it totally is not about the same thing I am going through I can relate to it as well.  It talks about a young woman who goes out and does everything she can to make her dreams come true.  This young woman was broken down in the ways of the world.  She was hurt and pushed down, her dreams shattered.  But then she comes to the Lord and gives her life over to him.  The chorus of the song starts out with the young woman saying that she will make a way...on her own.

"But she was strong
And she would survive
A spark of hope had kept her dream alive
And she cried...

I'll make a way
I'll do whatever it takes
Even though it won't be easy
I have a plan and though I may not understand
Someday, I'll make a way"  From Make a way, Natalie Grant

Then at the end of the song this young woman goes into a church where she gives her self  and her plan over to Jesus because all hope had been taken from her and the chorus changes to this:

"So she bowed her head to pray
And said, Jesus, please make a way

And she heard Him say...

I'll make a way
I'll do whatever it takes
Even though it won't be easy
I have a plan and though you may not understand
Today, I'll make a way

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah
Today He'll make a way"

What spoke to me most about this song was that this young woman tried to go out and do everything on her own.  When she did this she  was hurt and broken.  Then when broken completely she gave her dream over to the Lord.  I know this is something that I have struggled with.  I did everything humanly possible after Nels died to try and get pregnant on my own.  I took the medication, I did the tests, I kept logs and schedules.  Then I lost again.  But still did not give up on the ways of man.  I tried again... and failed.  But in my brokenness when there was no more left of me.  When the doctors thought that the hypoplasia had come back and were doing biopsies.  When I was told there was not hope for that cycle any more, God stepped in.  I was so weary and sad.  I did not know what to do but to cry out to God.  Against all odds we found out later, that during that time of brokenness when I turned it all over to God and stopped hoping in the ways of man, I had conceived this little miracle.

Psalm 18 (NIV)

For the director of music. Of David the servant of the LORD. He sang to the LORD the words of this song when the LORD delivered him from the hand of all his enemies and from the hand of Saul. He said:

 ¹ I love you, O LORD, my strength.

 ² The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; 
       my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. 
       He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

 ³ I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, 
       and I am saved from my enemies.

 ⁴ The cords of death entangled me; 
       the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

 ⁵ The cords of the grave coiled around me; 
       the snares of death confronted me.

 ⁶ In my distress I called to the LORD; 
       I cried to my God for help. 
       From his temple he heard my voice; 
       my cry came before him, into his ears.

 ⁷ The earth trembled and quaked, 
       and the foundations of the mountains shook; 
       they trembled because he was angry.

 ⁸ Smoke rose from his nostrils; 
       consuming fire came from his mouth, 
       burning coals blazed out of it.

 ⁹ He parted the heavens and came down; 
       dark clouds were under his feet.

 ¹⁰ He mounted the cherubim and flew; 
       he soared on the wings of the wind.

 ¹¹ He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him— 
       the dark rain clouds of the sky.

 ¹² Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced, 
       with hailstones and bolts of lightning.

 ¹³ The LORD thundered from heaven; 
       the voice of the Most High resounded.

 ¹⁴ He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies , 
       great bolts of lightning and routed them.

 ¹⁵ The valleys of the sea were exposed 
       and the foundations of the earth laid bare 
       at your rebuke, O LORD, 
       at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

 ¹⁶ He reached down from on high and took hold of me; 
       he drew me out of deep waters.

 ¹⁷ He rescued me from my powerful enemy, 
       from my foes, who were too strong for me.

 ¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my disaster, 
       but the LORD was my support.

 ¹⁹ He brought me out into a spacious place; 
       he rescued me because he delighted in me.

 ²⁰ The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness; 
       according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.

 ²¹ For I have kept the ways of the LORD; 
       I have not done evil by turning from my God.

 ²² All his laws are before me; 
       I have not turned away from his decrees.

 ²³ I have been blameless before him 
       and have kept myself from sin.

 ²⁴ The LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness, 
       according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.

 ²⁵ To the faithful you show yourself faithful, 
       to the blameless you show yourself blameless,

 ²⁶ to the pure you show yourself pure, 
       but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd.

 ²⁷ You save the humble 
       but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.

 ²⁸ You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; 
       my God turns my darkness into light.

 ²⁹ With your help I can advance against a troop ; 
       with my God I can scale a wall.

 ³⁰ As for God, his way is perfect; 
       the word of the LORD is flawless. 
       He is a shield 
       for all who take refuge in him.

 ³¹ For who is God besides the LORD ? 
       And who is the Rock except our God?

 ³² It is God who arms me with strength 
       and makes my way perfect.

 ³³ He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; 
       he enables me to stand on the heights.

 ³⁴ He trains my hands for battle; 
       my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

 ³⁵ You give me your shield of victory, 
       and your right hand sustains me; 
       you stoop down to make me great.

 ³⁶ You broaden the path beneath me, 
       so that my ankles do not turn.

 ³⁷ I pursued my enemies and overtook them; 
       I did not turn back till they were destroyed.

 ³⁸ I crushed them so that they could not rise; 
       they fell beneath my feet.

 ³⁹ You armed me with strength for battle; 
       you made my adversaries bow at my feet.

 ⁴⁰ You made my enemies turn their backs in flight, 
       and I destroyed my foes.

 ⁴¹ They cried for help, but there was no one to save them— 
       to the LORD, but he did not answer.

 ⁴² I beat them as fine as dust borne on the wind; 
       I poured them out like mud in the streets.

 ⁴³ You have delivered me from the attacks of the people; 
       you have made me the head of nations; 
       people I did not know are subject to me.

 ⁴⁴ As soon as they hear me, they obey me; 
       foreigners cringe before me.

 ⁴⁵ They all lose heart; 
       they come trembling from their strongholds.

 ⁴⁶ The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock! 
       Exalted be God my Savior!

 ⁴⁷ He is the God who avenges me, 
       who subdues nations under me,

 ⁴⁸ who saves me from my enemies. 
       You exalted me above my foes; 
       from violent men you rescued me.

 ⁴⁹ Therefore I will praise you among the nations, O LORD; 
       I will sing praises to your name.

 ⁵⁰ He gives his king great victories; 
       he shows unfailing kindness to his anointed, 
       to David and his descendants forever.

Lord God, I thank you that you are my Rock and my Fortress!  I thank you that you have saved me from the snares of the enemy!  Lord as it says in the psalm you have brought light into my darkness.  You have blessed me Lord and have given me the desire of my heart while protecting me and this precious little one from the grasp of the enemy.  Lord I thank you that you are with me even now and that my tears which have been dried will not be forgotten or in vain.  Lord as I cried out to you for my baby, I pray that you heard my cry and that you answered my pleas.  Thank you Lord for saving my babies life and for helping it to grow happy and healthy.  Please be with me and this child through out the rest of this pregnancy.  In Jesus name, amen!

Doppler or no Doppler? .... that is today's question!

Today I read some posts about people renting or buy fetal doppler machines to use at home to hear the baby's heart beat.  This idea intrigues me on multiple levels.  First the ability to hear baby Nels's heart beat every day during the time I was hospitalized with him was such a blessing.  It brought peace and hope to my heart every time I heard his very strong, very healthy heartbeat.  Secondly I had purchased one of those things that you stick on your tummy after 20 weeks with Nels and at first it worked... but then as the fluid left it stopped working.  With the doppler however it would be able to more easily amplify the sound of the heart beat and what ever else the baby is doing in there.  

One other reason I am considering purchasing one is that they are way cheaper then I thought they would be on Ebay!  $95 including shipping.  It would cost nearly that much to rent one for only 3 months... but instead I would be able to use it throughout the pregnancy to hear the beautiful beating heart of my little miracle! 

I am however hesitant to purchase one right at this moment.  With the SCH and all that has happened in the last three weeks we do not know what we will find in the ultrasound on Thursday!

We are praying that we see a healthy happy baby growing great with a great heartbeat.  The doctor though told us this would be a viability ultrasound.  I hate that.  I would have much rather heard  the doctor  say something positive.  Any thing somewhat positive would have done nicely.  Instead I got... with your history risk of a miscarriage is never going to be totally gone.  

Please.... don't you think I know my history well enough to know this myself... but give me a break... the only baby I did carry past 8 weeks was actually born... so I think being this far right now is a good sign.  I am trying to be happy and excited for my baby.  So why did I hesitate and not buy the doppler right away?

I know that it is important to trust God and step out in faith!  But I also know that $100 can go a long way to help with other things as well.  So for know I am going to pray and hope.  Then when I get the good news on Thursday the first thing I will do, after praising God, is go to ebay to buy my doppler!

I think hearing the heart beat will be a great way for Chris and I to bond with this little miracle!

Thank you Lord God for today!  I thank you that you have a hedge of protection around my little miracle and that you are forming this little miracle perfectly inside me.  Lord I ask that you lead and guide me in the coming days and give me the peace and faith to trust that all will be well in the ultrasound on Thursday!  I ask that you give the doctor the ability to easily find the baby and the heart beat on thursday and that the baby will have caught up in size to what it is supposed to be with the dates!  Thank You Jesus for your healing and your mercy and your kindness!  Forgive me when I stumble and fall and when I am not strong enough to hold on to hope.  Be my strength when I am week and help me keep the faith for this precious miracle!  In thy name I pray, amen!

Lord, hold me close

Today I woke up at 2:30 am with some brown spotting from my SCH.  It was very heartbreaking and scared me.  Even though rationally I knew that eventually I should see some brown spotting as the end of the bleeding.  I still did not expect it.  It caught me off guard and made me scared a little again.  I actually figured with over a week of no spotting that I was completely healed and would not see any more blood.

There really wasn't very much  brown spotting and it was only when I wiped not on my pants so that was good.  At 2:30 I had been up because my husband has a cold and kept coughing.  So instead of going back to bed downstairs I journeyed up to my couch and put a couple prayer requests online before finally falling back asleep at 3:45 only to be woken up by a pastor friend from India at 6 am.  I have to remember to turn off my messenger when I am resting even though I like to be available all the time to pray with people.  Right now this baby needs me to take care of it.

I was so worried today.  Mother's day of all days!  I had told my husband earlier this week that I did not want to celebrate it this year.  I figured if I just pretended it was another day it wouldn't hurt so much that Nels wasn't with us and that this baby had gone through so much.  I did well keeping my emotions under rap.  I think that was strength that only God could have given me at this time.  I almost cried when my husband handed me a onesie that he bought the baby.... but I didn't.  

Chris really hasn't been feeling well so I did a little too much yesterday as we cleaned out my closet in preparation for selling out home.  I am almost positive that that work is what caused the bleeding to happen later on.  Though I did not do much I did enough to jar things loose.  I am so sorry that I did it.  I never wanted to put this baby in more danger.   

Tonight Chris is sleeping in the bed and I am back on the couch.  I do not want to get his cold so I am staying upstairs to stay safe.  That way too I will get better sleep as his coughing was waking me up so often.  Right before I went upstairs Chris broke down.  It seems that even though this was mother's day... not father's day... that Chris was just so sad and missing baby Nels.  He cried and said he would have done anything for little Nels... and I know he would.  Then he started crying about this little miracle.  It was the first time that he actually showed sadness about what has gone on and all the things this precious little miracle has gone through so far.

All I could to was hold him and let him cry it out.  Then he came upstairs and prayed for me and the baby.  God please protect our little miracle.  We are so thankful for blessing us with this miracle.  We need your help to make the baby happy and healthy with all the proper parts and organs.  

As I get ready to sign off the internet and go to bed all I can think about are my babies.  Baby Nels, this little miracle, and the babies that I lost before.  Lord I thank you for each and every one.  I ask that you please let the ones that are with you know that their mommy loves them so much and misses them very much.  Even though I don't really feel like I ever got to be a mom... I know that each one is a precious gift from God.  Lord God, if I could ask anything of you today on mother's day, it would be to please let this precious little miracle come stay with us so that we can raise this baby up in your ways and teach them all about Jesus! Amen!