Mother's Day #2

This year is my second year of mother's day being pregnant.  This special miracles due date is only a couple days different then baby Nels.  Last year I was so excited.  At this point I was just over 8 weeks pregnant... had an ultrasound picture that showed everything and couldn't wait to tell everyone all about my miracle baby (baby Nels).    I went to an art show they have hear every year with my mom and took my little ultrasound picture everywhere with me!  I showed everyone I knew!  It was wonderful!

This year I am much more guarded.  Baby Nels is no longer here and this little miracle has been through so much.  The only picture I have of this one barely looks like much so showing it to others doesn't really get the desired response yet.  Though I have been telling everyone about this precious little miracle, it has been more to get prayers, then just telling about it out of excitement.

I feel kind of bad about that.  Like this baby is missing out on some pretty happy emotions that baby Nels got to experience.  I was really excited at first with this little miracle... then all the stress began... then the SCH bleed and the misdiagnosed miscarriage.  All those things just brought stress and fear feelings.  Not good for me... and not good for the baby!

For the last couple days I have been more calm and more peaceful.  That is good for me and for the baby.  I do think though that tomorrow will be a very emotional day without baby Nels there to share it with me.  If I could I think I would just pretend it was another normal day.  That would not be fair to my mom though!  I really want to celebrate what a good mom she is and how she has helped me through this very hard time.

So for today I am going to forget about tomorrow and focus on just being as calm and peaceful for my little one as I can be.  Tomorrow I am sure there will be tears... even thinking about it now makes my eye a bit watery.  But I will go and celebrate my mom and hold on to the fact that even though it was for a very short hour... last year I was a mom too.

Hopefully next year will be better and I will have a little one in my arms to hug and love.

Calmer and quieter

Today is a much calmer day for me.    I was able to get a little work done by making a banner for the Unlocking PUV page that I am making in honor of baby Nels.  I am so excited to get this project going!  It is taking some time to learn the new software which at least gives me something to distract me while I am resting.

Yesterday I walked around a bit more upstairs but didn't do much.  I am still trying to do the bed rest as much as possible.  It seems to be working!  The SCH has not had any spotting in a week and no big problems since that last ultrasound... so I am praying that this means good things for this little miracle!  

I still can't wait to see the little one again on the 14th.... but I wish it was at the ultrasound center rather then at the clinic.  The ultrasound machines at the clinic just can't compare to the other ones.  The pictures are much fuzzier and heard to find anything in.  I am hoping that I will see hands, feet, fingers and toes next time!  All I saw was a heartbeat last time.  :)  But that is ok... it was a blessing to see that!

Thank you Lord for the lessons you showed me yesterday!  Thank you for helping me through today!  Thank you for blessing me with this little miracle!  Lord I pray that you will continue to knit this little miracle together in the way it should go!  Please make it's organs and body parts all perfect the way they are designed to be.  Help the baby to grow and help the heart rate to be what it is supposed to be.  Please keep this little one safe and put a hedge of protection around our little miracle.  Thank you Lord for all you are doing, amen!

Resist the toothless lion!

This is a little note of encouragement I wrote to some friends in a prayer group on Fertility Friends earlier today!  It was something that summed up how I was feeling today so I decided to write it here as well.  Before I began to read the word today and before I wrote this I was having a hard day.  Worrying about miscarriage and concerned about the baby's health.  Instead of dwelling on the negative I decided it was time to take some action and be positive!

Today I was in the need of some spiritual encouragement to so I went to God's word to find some verses to post around the house and to place on my heart.  One of the verses I found was this:

7Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

8Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.  10And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.  1 Peter 5:7-11

In context this verse is actually talking to young men in leadership and the elders of the church but I think it fits our situation well too.  You know when we stand in faith for our little miracles then satan gets angry and he looks to find ways to make us stubble and fall.  So what does he do?  He reminds us of loss and scares us into to thinking that this is happening again.  Especially when it is not.  He does not want us to rejoice in our precious little ones and for those who are still waiting for their precious miracles to start he does not want there to be faith to hold on to God's promises for miracles.   He wants to keep us bound by our fears.  Fears of loss, fears of not conceiving, and fear of everyday things.

Fear is one of the biggest tools of the enemy.  A few years ago I taught a sermon series on how fear is the opposite of Love.  We all know that God is Love.... and we all know that the author of fear is satan.  We need to be so wrapped in God's love by faith through His grace that the fears of the enemy can not consume us any more.

I am a big one to talk... I have been having trouble with fear ever since I thought the baby was gone in Florida.  The enemy whispered lies to me and tried to keep me bound.  But I am so fired up right now that I have the boldness and strength to say "NO MORE!!!"  No more fear, no more lies of the enemy no more being bound by confusion.  It is time that I stepped out in faith declaring the word of the Lord rather then repeating the lies of the enemy!  Woooo!  I am so excited.... I just don't know what else to do but Praise God for breaking those chains!!!!

I feel like just by writing these things down that there is new hope and fresh fire in my life!  For so long I kept repeating that God had not given me a spirit of fear.  That was good because I was declaring the word of God over my life.... but it wasn't enough to break free.

I needed to see the lies of the enemy for what they were.  I needed to be reminded that even though the enemy can roar... he is a toothless lion that can not devour me if I do not let him.  Thank you Jesus!  For being the true Lion... that we can lean on.  Thank you Jesus for being the Lion of the Tribe of Judah!  Thank you Jesus for taking those keys away from that toothless lion and helping us to overcome death and fear!

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  James 4:7

This too is such an important verse to hold on to when the enemy comes at us with lies.  It says if we resist him he must flee.  Praise God!  Now this verse in context is talking about us all being sinners and needing to be purified by God in our hearts an minds.  So when we seek forgiveness and are living in repentance we have the power to resist the enemy and make him flee from us!  That is so good!  God is so good!  It is by God's grace that we are able to stand against the plans of the enemy!

Lord God, I come to you right now in the name of Jesus Christ your son.  Lord God, pray that you will bind the enemy and his lies from all the lives of the women on this board.  What ever satan is trying to roar in to the lives of these women cut it off right now!  Lord bind satan and keep him far from these women.  Lord I ask right now that you send your Holy Spirit to minister to each one.  Where ever they are in this process Lord God, be with them!  Hold them in your hands and keep them safe from the plans of the enemy!  Lord I know that you have good plans for each and every one and that you Oh Lord long to grant the desires of their hearts.  Lord we that you that if we resist the enemy that he must flee.  Lord I pray that each one has your strength and your faith and your hope to resist the enemy today and to stand strong and bold in their faith.  Lord let each one be filled with your river of life that will flow through them unto others in their lives as well.  Lord I thank you that your mercies are new every morning.  Help me to remember what you have showed me today, tomorrow as I wake.  Do not let the fear come back into my life, but help me to stand strong in faith each day!  Lord I thank you for each miracle you have brought into this group.  Lord I pray that you protect each one and help them grow up happy and healthy.  Lord for those who have not yet received the news of their precious miracles I pray that you will work swiftly in their lives to grant the desires of their hearts.  Lord for those who are not trying right now I pray that you be with them and lead and guide them in what ever they are doing to glorify you in their lives.  In thy name I pray, Amen!

I hope that this will be a good reminder for all of us on how we can defeat the enemy's plans in our lives and how we can live in victory in Jesus!

With God we will gain the victory, and he will trample down our enemies. Psalm 60:12

Psalm 118

1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

2 Let Israel say:  "His love endures forever."

3 Let the house of Aaron say:  "His love endures forever."

4 Let those who fear the LORD say: "His love endures forever."

5 In my anguish I cried to the LORD,  and he answered by setting me free.

6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?

7 The LORD is with me; he is my helper.  I will look in triumph on my enemies.

8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.

9 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes.

10 All the nations surrounded me, but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.

11 They surrounded me on every side, but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.

12 They swarmed around me like bees, but they died out as quickly as burning thorns; in the name of the LORD I cut them off.

13 I was pushed back and about to fall,  but the LORD helped me.

14 The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.

15 Shouts of joy and victory resound in the tents of the righteous: "The LORD's right hand has done mighty things!

16 The LORD's right hand is lifted high;  the LORD's right hand has done mighty things!"

17 I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done.

18 The LORD has chastened me severely, but he has not given me over to death.

19 Open for me the gates of righteousness; I will enter and give thanks to the LORD.

20 This is the gate of the LORD through which the righteous may enter.

21 I will give you thanks, for you answered me; you have become my salvation.

22 The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone;

23 the LORD has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes.

24 This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

25 O LORD, save us; O LORD, grant us success.

26 Blessed is he who comes in the name of the LORD. From the house of the LORD we bless you.

27 The LORD is God, and he has made his light shine upon us. With boughs in hand, join in the festal procession up to the horns of the altar.

28 You are my God, and I will give you thanks; you are my God, and I will exalt you.

29 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

1 Corinthians 15:56-58

56The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

58Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

Philippians 3:14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus!

Keep standing strong!  Keep fighting!  Keep pressing on in Jesus!

:)

Kristin

Research is not always a good thing!

Earlier today I was feeling pretty good about what I had learned about fetal heart rate and where my little miracle was during the ultrasound a week and a half ago.  Then today I began to do more research.  Not because I wasn't happy with the answers I had found but because some one else wanted information on early heart rates.  So what do I do?  I begin to check again.  

This time I found similar information and then some scarier information.  The first information I had found about early heart rates being between 90 and 113 seems to be correct.  Most of the sites had something like that on 6 weeks or younger.  But then as I read more it said that at 6 weeks 3 days to 7 weeks that it should be between 110 and 120.  That caused a slight drop in excitement.  Then I read further in some studies that heart rates under 110 at around 6 and a half weeks were linked to early miscarriage.

Last week I found a study that said below 90 was a cause for concern.  I was much happier with that.  Now the stress of waiting to see has once again peaked.  

Lord God please make my babies heart rate go the way it is supposed to.  Make it a strong and healthy heart rate.  Let all the organs form correctly and let this baby live.... please Lord God.... take away my fears and replace them with faith and hope.  Lord be with me and lead me and guide me.  I cast all my cares at the foot of the cross.  I need you Lord to help me get through this stressful time.  I still have 8 days left until my next ultrasound.  You know Lord God how much we want this little miracle.  Please do not let it slip away from us.  Keep it safe and warm in my womb and let it be healthy and happy.  Lord help me to rely on you and not the wisdom of man.  You have already made this little miracle a miracle!  You showed us a heart beat when they told us the baby had left.  You gave us a pregnancy when they said it was not possible.  You made this little miracle and helped it overcome medications that should have made it disappear and a biopsy which could have taken it away.  This is your miracle Lord God!  I ask that you complete the miracle you have begun and that you make this little one grow.  In thy name I pray, Amen!

Last night was hard

Yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of the birth and death of our precious little Baby Nels who only lived one hour due to his PUV.  I missed him so much yesterday and would have liked to have gone to his grave site to take him flowers but alas.... no I was stuck on the couch.  

That made it hard for me.  I had such a restless night last night with tons of bad dreams having to do with his birth and life.  Then I had bad dreams about this little miracle as well.  It was awful.  I can't imagine going through another night like that.  I was trying so hard to stay on the positives yesterday but it seems as if during the night I failed.

God please help me to find peace and comfort in you today!  We miss you and love you baby Nels!  Thank you for holding on to mommies finger... even though it was only for a short time!

My bed rest and SCH

Bed rest can be a challenge for people with Type "A" personalities like me.  When people tell me to rest... to me that means don't go for a 3 mile run or 6 mile hike.  To completely rest for as many days as I have so far has been very challenging.  

I have to admit there were a few days that I did a little more then I was supposed to.  I had a wedding to officiate of someone I had know for his whole life on Saturday the 2nd so on Friday and Saturday I walked around more and had to carry a couple things in order to get what I needed to done... for example I had to carry my computer into my office to print wedding documents.  Thankfully though the bleeding of the SCH had subsided by Friday and it did not return due to the activity.  

I was able to go to the wedding Saturday, preform the service and get home to rest on my couch like a good girl... all without bleeding!  Yeah!  Praise God!

Since the ultrasound on Monday the 27th I had been concerned about one thing I heard during the ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech said that the baby's heart rate was 109.  This seemed awfully low to me.  She told me no it was normal for my gestation at the time of the ultrasound... so the next day when I had my appointment it completely slipped my mind to ask the doctor about it.  

Since I didn't ask though I began to panic and worry.  Which is not what God wants and not good for the baby!  It took a very long time but I finally on Thursday found a web site that gave me the normal heart rate for that early of a heart beat.  The normal range for that gestation was 90 to 113.  They also said on that page that only heart rates under 90 are ones they worry about for miscarriage.  That made me feel a little better because then this baby's heart rate was towards the top for their age!  

It didn't take away all the stress and worry though.  With every twinge I was concerned that that would be the last of my precious little miracle.  Last night I woke up in a panic and began to cry thinking that since I wasn't extremely hot at that moment that the baby was gone.  What I failed to realize was that the temperature had dropped 10 degrees in our house yesterday due to a little bit of a cold snap... so that is why I didn't feel extremely hot.

To be honest though, I haven't worried as much about PUV as I thought I would.  I am more concerned about this little miracle, who has fought so hard to get to this point, being born happy and healthy.  I so much want this baby to make it and to be healthy.  I know that is what every parent wants for their child to have a happy, healthy baby.  For me this has been the greatest challenge of my life.

I am praying God has a hedge of protection around this little miracle and that He is knitting together this baby's body with all the organs and body parts in the right place and doing the right things!  

My next appointment is still 9 days away.  That is a long time to wait to find out more about the baby.  I have noticed though that my uterus is expanding like it should.  When I lay on one side my little bump is able to be felt.  

This morning before getting up I just laid with my hand on the little miracle bump and prayed and prayed.  I put everything in God's hands.  I know God is in control and that He can help this little miracle be born and have a good life.

I am still praying that this little one is a girl... just because I don't want this baby to have to face what little Nels had to face.  Plus we had been told that we would have a little girl who would dance for Jesus... so that is what we are praying will happen and that God's words spoken to us through several different people will come true with this child.

For now I must be patient.  I must rest.  I must trust God.  I must have faith to overcome.  I must find my strength in the joy of the Lord and celebrate this precious little ones life!

Lord God, I thank you so much for this little miracle.  I ask that you continue to knit it together the way it is supposed to be.  Please make all the baby's organs and parts work correctly.  Please help the heart rate to rise to where it is supposed to be for the rest of the pregnancy.  Lord, thank you for the opportunity to carry another child.  Please God let this one be one that we can raise up in your ways and one that we can teach all about you!  Lord we need your help right now to make it through this process.  We need your love to surround us and hope to abound.  Please put a hedge of protection around the baby.  Lord continue to heal me from the SCH and make it so I do not bleed any more during this pregnancy.  In Yeshua's (Jesus) name, Amen!