Can't believe our little miracle is 3 years old!

Asher turned 3 last November!  There are days that I wonder where the time went and wonder how how time could speed up as he gets older... I want to freeze time!

Just this morning Asher woke up and wanted snuggle time!  Yay!  Mommy loves snuggle time!  For half an hour he snuggled in my arms and we discussed everything from what you call your ankle to adding numbers.  He is so smart... and I am so proud of my little guy!  I know snuggle time won't always happen so I am trying to treasure each moment and thank God for precious times like this!

Celebrating God's grace and mercy in my life has become even more important now that Asher is growing up strong and healthy!  He's no longer my little tiny premmie... he is tall healthy and happy!  What a huge blessing that is!

Chris and I had wanted to have another sibling for Asher... but I am getting older which makes me wonder if it will ever happen.  If it is God's will that another miracle comes in our lives to grow up with Asher it would have to happen quickly.  But no matter what we will continue to treasure each moment with our treasure here on earth and remember all our treasures that are waiting for us in heaven.

Words that melt a mommies heart!

Asher has grown into a wonderful little man!  He is 2 years 8 months now and is growing up so very fast.  His heart is so big and his spirit is so sweet!  What a blessing from God he is!

I am not saying that there aren't days with challenges.  He is a toddler after all... but he is precious to us in a way we could have never imagined!   

Today Asher said something that melted my heart and made me so proud to be his mom.  

For no reason out of no where he came up to me, gave me a hug and said "I love you mommie you're my best friend!"  What a sweet thing for him to say!   

I know that it is not something I may ever hear again so I am going to treasure it forever!   As he grows I know that as with all parents my job is to be his mom... not necessarily his "Best Friend" 

Boundaries have to be set at different time in life and rule will have to be made... but for today being the best friend of my toddler is an amazing thing!  

I promise I will never forget this day when he is a teen trying to test the boundaries, when he thinks he knows all and when he thinks that parents are silly people without wisdom.  I know that day will come... it comes for all.  

Asher, I want you to always know that you are my treasure!  You are my precious gift from God!  You are a blessing and you bring me great joy!  May your joy and love continue to grow as you do and may you know the blessings in your life that God has brought to mine!  

I love you Buddy!  Thank you for being my best friend!

Asher's First Hair Cut

I can't believe my little miracle is growing up so fast! A couple of weeks ago he got his very first hair cut and 2 weeks from now he will be two! Wow time flies! I want to press a pause button some time! I love him so much and can't wait to see what a wonderful person he will grow into but sometimes I miss my tiny little baby!

Asher's first hair cut went relatively well. No huge screaming or crying which is a blessing! We had seen a child getting their first haircut in the mall a couple months ago who was screaming so hard that I worried about getting Asher's cut and kept putting it off!

But it had to be done! Asher isn't Sampson so his hair doesn't hold his power! It was starting to tangle and get matted in the back which was very hard to get out. I even cut out a piece after a bath one day. I was bummed when most people told me that his little curls would go away once we cut his hair for the first time... but this did not happen! Yay!!! His hair still has a little bit of a wave to it! So cute!

Asher sat on his dad's lap for his hair cut and overall did pretty well! Bye Bye long locks... hello big boy hair do! Wow what a difference a haircut makes!

God's grace is found in many ways!

Asher had his 18 month check up and last two shots before he turns 4 this week! I can't believe it! He is growing up so very fast.... what happened to those babies days? He is a toddler and he is a big boy now! He runs, jumps, climbs, pushes things over and tries to make his very own special impact where ever he goes!

Asher loves to dance! He loves it so much that when ever he hears music (no matter what kind) he busts an appropriate move. From ballet to hip hop that boy can move! I looked into getting him in dance classes earlier this year but most classes wanted him to be at least two if not 4 and potty trained. Hopefully soon I will find him a class.

It seems that as he grows and matures I see more and more of God's grace coming from him and surrounding him on a daily basis. Asher has a kind heart. If he thinks something is wrong he will come and give you a big hug or he will cry for you. That was evident this week big time!

Asher could tell that Chris and I were having a stressful week so he made sure to say lots of "love you's " and gave lots of high fives. It was in the quite moments though that I saw the most love and grace come from him.

I had a bad day and did something I wasn't proud of. I got mad at Asher for taking my glasses of and poking me in the eye. I scolded him and it broke his heart. I had never heard him cry so hard in my life. I didn't know what to do. I felt like the worst mom ever so I picked him up and hugged him until he quieted down. I took a mommy time out and did some cleaning to get myself calmer, then sat next to him on the coach and explained to him that it hurt and not to take off mommies glasses. He just sat quietly next to me... then grabbed my hand gently and gave it a kiss.

I did not feel worthy of that kiss at that time. Still don't but I know that it was a reflection of God's love for us through my son. God has blessed me with such a treasure in Asher! I am reminded of this every day!

Having trouble celebrating... but Asher deserves celebration!

I know it has been a very long time since I have posted anything. I actually have two written that I never posted. I have been struggling with memories and with decisions that I made in the past and how they have effected our lives.

Asher is a wonderful, beautiful miracle! We are so blessed to have him! He is our little (well not so little now) miracle, a blessing from God! So why is it that I end up in tears? Asher is healthy, and for the most part happy! He loves to dance and sing! He loves to blow raspberries and have them blown on his tummy! He is so smart...he says mamma, didi (a version Daddy), Daddy, Ney (short for honey), Hi, Hello, Bye, milk, more, no, amma (short for grandma), umpa (short for grandpa), Eric, and Laila. He copies more and more words every day! What a miracle that is!

He sleeps through the night for the most part and is a good eater now mostly eating solid whole foods like carrots, peas, meats, bananas, apples and other finger foods. He is very independent in eating and wants to be able to feed him self so he has been off the mushy food for a little over a month and a half now. Such a blessing to be able to cut up an apple for him for snack and have him sit there and eat it. To go from having trouble drinking at first to being able to do this is such a huge blessing and such a miracle. We know so many other NICU babies who are having trouble with this. What a blessing it is for Asher not to have any problems with eating now.

Asher really really really wants to walk. He didn't crawl until between eight and nine months... but now at 10 he sees others walking and wants to be doing the same. He picks himself up on anything he can. We even saw him standing up once just using some thing to push off of. He can stand for a little bit before his bum hits the floor... longer if he has one hand on something... shorter if he decides he needs to be dancing. His dancing is so cute... he does a side to side head bob and actually has really good rhythm! Such a good baby! He loves to be snuggled and snuggled he is!

The longest I have been away from Asher so far was to watch a movie with Chris. I am not good at leaving Asher. I think this has to do with losing so many others... especially baby Nels. I don't want to miss out on any time with Asher. I know that this is going to have to change eventually and that I will need to get my own life and not smoother his. But I want to treasure the time I have with him.

We have seen so many go through the pain of losing a child. It is heart breaking and devastating. Two years ago today I was put in the Hospital with baby Nels. I had gone in for a normal ultrasound because I was measuring big and was admitted to the hospital not knowing what was going on. I was 29 weeks along with him when we found out he had PUV. It would take weeks of hospitalization before we realized what this really meant for our precious little boy. We were told many different things... but one doctor told us straight up... if his lungs were too small he could not live. I hated that! I refused to believe that! We had people around the world praying for him for a miracle! I believe in miracles! I have seen them and wanted one so bad for Nels. During that time in the hospital I tried to stay positive and tried to do everything I could to give Nels the best chance of survival. We decided shortly before he was born that we would do comfort care with him because of the last ultrasound he had. It showed that his lungs were so small and not developed enough to support life. One doctor had told us that they could have kept him alive a little bit longer on machines but that it would be painful for him because of his lungs. I didn't want to put him through that pain.... but every day I wish that I would have had more then an hour with my precious son. Sitting here right now writing this I have a lump in my throat and tears streaming down my face. It has been two years.... I can't change anything. My precious boy is in heaven. All I can do is be thankful that I did have time with him. So parents do not even get that.

To make things a little worse... my hospitalization last year started on today as well! For two years I lived all of October and parts of September and November at the University of Washington Medical Center. Last year was a harder hospital stay with swine flu and preeclampsia. I spent two weeks alone in quarantine for something I got in the hospital. Then I had constant contractions until Asher was born. His contractions actually started in July. At first few and far between.... but then in September they became more regularly spaced... but too close together to do anything. I have this weird feeling inside right now that I am missing out by not being there this year. It is almost like a post-traumatic issue. It is hard to explain. I just feel weird being out in the real world this year.

Emotionally this year I have had my ups and my very low downs. I get excited for every new thing Asher does and then cry a little inside because baby Nels did not get to experience that. I hope that this doesn't happen for the rest of Asher's life. I feel bad because I wish that Asher and Nels could have known each other and I wish that Asher's twin was here with him so that he would have a sibling.

I decided long ago that I would not try to have any more children after 40. Now I am rethinking this. This year we (I) had wanted to try and have another child so that Asher would not be alone when we are gone. Chris doesn't think it is necessary for Asher but would like another child for the sake of having another child to treasure. With the loss of another in May very early miscarriage those dreams of mine were crushed. Since then I have not even had a period. I know that this is probably due to my breast feeding Asher but it bummed me out... because I turn 40 in December. Even if I did get pregnant again there is no way I could have the child before 40. I know that we have been blessed with our two children who were born Nels and Asher and that some people don't even get that blessing. I should be so thankful for that so why do I feel like something is missing.

I don't know what to do.... I do know what to do! I hate that I feel torn! I know that I need to just concentrate on Asher and celebrate his beautiful life. He is a precious treasure! I love you Asher! Mommy is going through some hard emotions right now but I promise I will be better soon. I know I have so much to look forward to in your life but I also know that I must treasure each and every step along the way! I love you so much!

Abba, Heavenly Father, I come to you with mixed emotions today. I am struggling to get out of the past and live here and now. Lord thank you for your blessings, both Nels and Asher! They are treasures that you entrusted me with. I am so blessed that you trusted me with them. Thank you for all you have done in our lives. Help me to be thankful and to celebrate Asher's life. Lord if it is your will we would like to have a sibling that is alive for Asher... but we know that it would have to be a miracle from you. Lord God heal my heart and help me to honor baby Nels and not bring shame by my sorrow. Lord I know that Nels's life, though short has made an impact on so many. I am so thankful that you have given us the ability to reach out to others through all that we have been through. Help me continue to be able to help others through things they are going through. Be with me, lead me and guide me. In Jesus name, amen!

Asher's 5 months post

Ok, so I am a bit late on this posting but Asher and I were quite busy at 5 months! At 5 months Asher weighed 17 lbs 4 ounces and was 26.5 inches long! He is sure growing fast now!

Some note-ables in Asher's life as he reached 5 months were that he was eating his cereal well and enjoying going out to meet others! Asher went to church on resurrection Sunday with us and grandma and grandpa. Then he got his picture taken with Tow Mater. That was a big thing for his daddy who loves the cars movie!

Asher is babbling a lot more now and trying to say words. I and you are still his favorite words. Every once and awhile he repeats something different though... like one day his uncle Eric came to visit and I kept saying uncle Eric to him. All the sudden he blurts out "Errrrraaac". That was cute.

Asher turned 5 months during our trip to Florida to visit Chris's grandma. Unfortunately the pictures we took on that day were on my big camera which got stolen in the Orlando airport on the way home. Such a bummer. There were some cute pictures of Chris's grandma holding Asher.

Asher started being able to reach the floor with his bouncy toy by 5 months. That is great. He really likes standing in it. Then he began to scoot backwards in his little walker car.

As far as food I will post that in a separate post. He has started eating veggies and loves them!

It is only 2 days from his 6 month day so I am going to cut this one short because I need to post a couple more posts before the 6 month one. :)

Asher's story is helping others!

In February I was contacted for permission to used Asher's story to help teach the importance of infectious disease control in hospitals. The University of Washington Medical Center where Asher was born wanted to use the information about me getting swine flu while in the antepartum unit to help teach others.

They requested pictures and information about our stay there. I was more then happy to help and share the pictures of Asher and I in the hospital and an updated happy picture of Asher at almost 3 months at that point.

The nurses and doctors at the UWMC did an excellent job taking care of me during the swine flu and managed to help me stay pregnant through that time. It was a blessing. I wanted the people to know that I didn't think it was a nurse or doctor that I got it from but more likely a food tray or something like that.

I just received a thank you note from the person who had requested the information. Here is what she said:

Kristin,

I want to let you know we enjoyed the pictures of you and baby Asher and told your story at our quality improvement meetings back in February. There were oohs and ahs upon seeing your picture with baby Asher. Thank you for being generous with your story and I want you to know it made a strong impression on our leadership staff of the importance of doing everything correctly to prevent the transmission of infection.

May you and your family have a wonderful Easter holiday,

Ellen

I feel so blessed that Asher and I have been able to tell our story in a way that can impact others lives in a positive way. It is such a blessing to be able to share and such a blessing to have Asher in our lives.

With out God and the nurses and doctors at UWMC our story would have been much different. What a blessing it is that Asher is happy and healthy and that his story will live on in the hearts of others.

I have a feeling that Asher's story will some day be able to effect as many people as Baby Nels's story has. Both of their stories are so special to me. Each of their birth stories will be in my heart for ever. Though Baby Nels wasn't here for his little brother to meet I am sure he is proud of all the positive things he is doing! I know I am!

Asher's 4 month Post! :)

Ok, I seem to be getting farther and farther behind in my postings the older he gets! So what has been happening with Asher? Lots!

At 4 months Asher had his check up and got good reports on everything! He weighed 15 lbs 13.5 ounces and was 24 and 1/2 inches long. He went to the 71st % in weight and to the 39th in weight and the 30th in head circumference. What an amazing time of growth he has had. He is catching up in height and head and has surpassed his age for weight. It is simply amazing how well he is growing!

Sleep.... ahhhh sweet sleep! Asher began sleeping amazingly a week after he turned 3 months. He has slept pretty much 8 to 9 hours a night since then. It is wonderful for Chris and I to get caught up on sleep. Asher has his sleep routine down. At 7 he gets to breast feed and then gets his one formula bottle that he gets a day. Then he has daddy lap time... chilling on the couch with daddy. At 9 we all head up stairs with the lights dimmed. Chris and I pray over Asher as he breast feeds a little more. Then a few minutes later he lets us know he done by turning his head. Sometimes his eyes are closed some times they are not but we place him in his crib and he snuggles in with his sleep sac on. In fact he has been wanting to go to bed a bit earlier lately... he may work into going to sleep at around 8. That would be nice too!

He has been sitting up with assistance of the boppy and the bumbo. He also has been just sitting on the couch but hasn't mastered that yet.

Play time has been much more fun! He is more interactive now. He grabs toys and hugs them and puts them in his mouth. He gets excited when we play with his horsey or ducky. They are little squares of material with heads and legs on them and 3 little teething rings. The horsey was the first thing he really began to play with. It was easy for him to grasp and so soft and nice on the hand.

At the doctor's visit they said Asher could get rice cereal this month. He is not so thrilled with it. Since he doesn't really like it much we haven't been making him eat the whole amount. He is gaining enough with what he has had so there is no concerns there. Next month he will be getting veggies.... if he starts liking the cereal. I just don't think it has clicked for him yet. I am sure he will eventually like it and want more. Some people don't even start until 6 months so this is not a big deal right now. He can just explore how it feels in his mouth and when he starts to like it we will be ready!

Asher has been doing well with awake time during the day. He is getting more and more aware of his surroundings. He loves to go to target. Bright colors and lights everywhere. What more fun can there be. He also loves to go for his walks around the neighborhood in his slings or strollers. We have been getting lots of questions about his sling since that news cast about the dangers of slings...I have a lot to write about that but will save it for a whole other post.

I am so thankful for every moment with Asher. He is truly a blessing for us! We love him so much! God has blessed us greatly!

Thank you Lord God for Asher! Thank you for helping him grow and develop as he should. Thank you for entrusting him to us. We love him so much! Lord please continue to help Asher grow and learn. In Jesus name amen!

Now we are having fun!

The last few weeks with Asher have been amazing. He is changing so much each day! He loves to smile and talk now and really enjoys his reality TV time with daddy. I know TV is not a good thing to get him used to but Chris has been holding him and watching "Amazing Race" and "Survivor" with Asher. They both seem to be having a good time doing it too!

Asher has kept his sleep going and only had one bumpy night where he woke up at 3 and didn't go back to sleep until 5:30. Other then that he has had 7 to 9 hours of sleep a night which is a true blessing for Chris and I. It is also good for Asher too! He is a growing boy!

On the last two weekends we have taken Asher to the zoo! Yay!!! What a wonderful family activity! Chris and I bought the zoo membership and aquarium membership for the year. That will give us lots of fun activity times with Asher. He will get to see the animals and learn all about them while he is young. Plus we will be able to spend quality family time together.

Last weekend we went with my college room mate Gail and her two kids. That was a lot of fun! It is nice to get out with others as well. Not having children we missed out on doing activities with other families quite a bit. Now with Asher opportunities to go out with others are opening up a bit more.

Asher is sitting in his swing playing with his new horse toy as I type. He is doing much better in the swing then before... although he still doesn't like it that much. He would prefer to be held all the time during the day. I don't blame him... I love the snuggle time.

My parents have been in Yuma for the past couple weeks so Asher and I have gone out quite a bit on our own. We went to the outlet mall a couple times, to target several times and to the bank. It is getting easier to take Asher out. He has a good nap time in the morning that makes it easy to get things done.

What a blessing he is. I am so glad that I have more time to enjoy him now. I praise God for my little one and for helping me to be able to have good time with him. Each day is a wonderful adventure and a blessing.

This week he will turn 4 months old. That is amazing! The first 3 months seemed to drag... but this last month has flown.

Lord God, I thank you for the blessing of Asher. I thank you that you are working in his life daily and that you are helping him to grow and blossom. Lord lead and I guide me as I help Asher to grow into the person you have created. Lord hold him in your hands, keep him safe and help him to continue to do well! In Jesus name, amen!

Asher is 3 months!

Wow 3 months already! I can't believe it has been a month since posting last! Asher was 14 lbs 2 ounces on his big 3 month day! He was close to 24 inches long... but we aren't sure on that because the measuring tape might have been a little twisted.

Asher went back to shorter hours sleeping after that last sleeping post. He had a growth spurt which had taken down the sleeping to a 4 hour and a couple two hours during the night. Then as soon as his big 3 month day hit his sleeping changed again. Now he is sleeping between 6 and 9 hours at night.

For a week he was at about 6 hours a night then the last 4 nights have been 7, 8 and 9 hours! What a blessing! Asher is so happy when he wakes up now. It is nice to see him smiling and cooing when he wakes up.

Asher's first valentines was a couple days after his 3 month day. He had lots of fun. We got him a stuffed lion and he wore an outfit that said mommy's prince on it with Kiss Me written on his feet. It was very cute!

Asher had a very busy month for his second month. He got to go to Seattle, Everett and Lynnwood a few times with mommy and daddy.

We had gotten several different types of carriers for him. He really didn't like the one Chris had picked out to carry him in. Then we went to a store in Seattle where we tried on several types. I wanted a carrier that would be easier to put on so I got a ring sling. Chris put his name on the waiting list for an ergo. But later decided against that one.

We went down to Oregon for the weekend the week before

his big day. He got to meet his great grandma Betty and got to take pictures with his dad and his family. They got a 4 generation picture of Asher, Chris, Joe and Betty. It was very nice!

That was Asher's first road trip! We Went out to lunch with Chris's family and then went shopping for carriers and walkers for Asher.

Then we went to Monika, Matt & Haley's new house to spend the night and have dinner. Asher slept 6 hours which was good for all we had done during the day.

The next day we went back to Lake Stevens for a super bowl party at my parent's house. Busy weekend for a little guy!

Asher has started to laugh and smile more too which is really nice! The colic behavior went away when we started to give him a bottle of formula at his 7pm feeding. I think he was just not getting enough from me in the evenings so he was unhappy. He actually still breast feeds at 7 before his formula but then eats between 6 and 8 ounces of formula on top of that. Hungry growing boy!

Well I better get going for now!

Dear Lord, I thank you so much for all you are doing in Asher's life. I ask that you keep doing good works in his life and bless him as he grows! Amen

Asher has learned to sleep!

I have been postponing putting this blog on because I did not want to jump the gun on the sleeping issue. As you all know Asher has had some challenges with sleeping. Some days he only slept 6 to 7 hours total. Well it seems as if a sleeping switch has gone off in Asher. He has been sleeping much better since the day he turned 2 months!

On his two month big day Asher slept 4 hours straight that night! We were amazed! Happy!!! And felt so blessed to get our 3.5 hours of sleep in a row! It was wonderful!! Then the next day.... he slept 6 hours!!! Wow we figured we had a really good thing going then! The day after.... 7 hours.... and he would have kept sleeping had we not woken him up to feed him at 4:30 am. Same thing last night 7 hours!!

We are praying that it continues. He seems to be much happier now that he is sleeping better!!! Praise God!

So how did the miracle of the sleep happen? Did we do anything special?

Yes, we did.

1. We put Asher back on his NICU feeding schedule but flexed it a little when he was extra hungry...or when we had other things scheduled.

2. We prayed over Asher during his 9pm feeding and read sleeping Bible verses over him.

3. We kept it darker in the house in the evenings to get him ready to sleep.

4. We have a sound machine in his room that plays rain sounds.

5. After his 9 o'clock feeding we let him sleep as long as he could until feeding him next. (up until a few days ago the most was 2.5 hours)

6. We kept feedings quiet at night with no playing afterwards.

7. We put him in bed while still drowsy but quiet so he would learn to self sooth a little.

8. We put him in his crib in his own room. He liked the mattress better then the bassinet one and slept better when I wasn't leaning over looking at him at every noise.

9. We made sure he was burped, diapered and happily fed before bed time.

10. After hi 6pm feeding we played cuddled and interacted with him... some times stories, dancing, singing or baths.

11. I took all known allergens out of my diet. No milk, soy, nuts, wheat, or fish.

Now I am not going to say that this is the perfect way to get babies to sleep more. It is simply just what has worked for Asher so far. We know that at some point we may have to make adjustments, but for now this is what is working!

Thank you Lord God for giving Asher the ability to sleep more! Thank you for helping him to get more and more rest and for helping him to be happier in general. Lord continue to help Asher to get the sleep he needs and in turn helping Chris and I get sleep as well! In Jesus name Amen!

In awe of some special mom's!

Lately I have found myself in awe of some very special mom's! After starting the PUV group I have met some very wonderful women who are taking care of their special little ones who have PUV. Their daily challenges are so much more then my little issues with Asher. They have some much more that they have to do to take care of their special little ones... and they do it with such grace.

True I might not get to see when they are really frustrated and I am sure they have their moments but these women are so strong.

Karen, you are a beacon of light in this darkened world! You have done so much for Matthew and have pressed so hard to get him the help and care he needs. All this you do while balancing your family life and spending time with your other son and your husband. Your journey has been so astounding to me. I don't know if I could have been as strong as you are. Your courage and hope brings be courage to press on with my daily tasks. I just want you to know that I think you are a great roll model for mom's everywhere.

Michelle, you are such a great mom! You take such good care of all of your children and have been such a great advocate for baby E. You have overcome much and keep pressing on to get the help your son needs so much. Even with more and more hurdles you have perservered. Your natural ways are so wonderful to me. Cloth diapers and breast feeding while soar is such a wonderful thing for your baby. I wish I could be as strong as you. I wish I was able to do things as naturally for Asher! I want you to know that I think you are so courageous in all you do pressing for help for baby E in a system that does not give you the help you need!

Stephanie, you have over come so much pain to be able to help so many people. You are a great mom to Vashon and I am sure that Vayden is so proud of all you have done in his name. I know that you have done so much to help others through their hard times. Keep pressing on my friend. I know you get frustrated at times but you are so strong! You are a great mom!

There are so many more mom's that I think have done such a wonderful job in the face of adversity and in their whole families. Some with PUV and some with other challenges. Georgi, you have done much to help others. Kelly, you are so sweet and even in your loss were strong. Jaimee, you are so good to your kids, helping them find an alternative schooling system when your schools let your kids down. Tessa, wow, advocate supreme. Lisa, I don't know how you do it with all your lovely kids! You are such a great mom! Stacey, you are a great roll model too. You have raised your boys well and now have been blessed with two little girls to raise as your own. I don't know how you do it.... but I am so glad you do. It inspires me to know that you are reaching out to others. Gail, you are such a good mom!

Please know that even if your name is not listed here and you are a mom, that I think you are wonderful. I never knew how much being a mom would tear at my heart strings and how much work it really was. I am in awe of any mom who has more then one child and don't know how you do it. I have a hard enough time with my one little one. Though I still wish I had both of them here with me today.

Oh and I would be remiss if I didn't add my own mom to the list! Thank you mom for all your help, support and strength. You are a wonderful and strong mom!

Thank you all for your friendship and strength!

Dear Lord, please hold all my friends and family who are mom's in your hands. Help each one to be the best mom they can be. Bless each one with strength, hope, love and perserverance. In Jesus name, amen!

Breast is best... even though it can be a challenge!

It has been a couple weeks since I have posted. Asher keeps doing great and growing well. Today he was over 10 lbs. He has almost double his weight and still isn't even 2 months old. That is an amazing testament to God's grace and mercy and the health advantages of breast feeding.

Today Asher and I had the honor of making a video for the lactation services at the University of Washington Medical Center for them to use as education for parents in the NICU and to help educate lactation consultants, doulas and midwifes. It was quite an honor for us to be chosen to do this.

Over the last few weeks I have had some challenges in my breast feeding. The first of which was nipple vasospams. This is where the nipple blanches and turns a white skin color. It is caused by many different things from damage to nipple to a blood flow disorder. With me I figured it was because Asher bit down one day all pulled while he was pooing. I figured out though just a few days ago that it was my breast pump that had caused the problem. I turned back in my hospital rental and bought my own pump a few weeks ago. The new pump actually pinched and cause bruising to my areola. This caused the blood vessels to be cut off and the nipple to turn white. It cause so much pain. Thankfully I have friends who have been through it and offered help. They directed me to the Kellymom web site which has a lot of information about breast feeding. One friend even suggested hand warmers (the ones you put in your pockets while skiing). The hand warmers have been very helpful. The vasospasms have been a little better since then.

The next challenge was nipple blebs. Nipple blebs are white milk filled blisters on the nipple. I got these on Christmas eve and went to the doctor because they were so painful. So much so that I threw up after feeding Asher. I found out at the doctor that these (in my case) were caused by mastitis (a breast infection). I was put on a 10 day course of heavy antibiotics for that. That much antibiotics concerned me. That day I also had Asher and I tested for Thrush. Thankfully that was not the case. I had read that nipple blebs could be caused by that and That is why I did the testing for it. I was relieved that there was no thrush but since I was going to be on heavy antibiotics they gave me the medicine for it to wipe on nipple after feedings so that I would not develop it while being treated for the mastitis.

At one point I woke up in the morning crying because I knew I had to get up and feed my son soon. I had a few mornings of this. I felt like an awful mom. I didn't know if I could keep breast feeding because it felt so bad physically and emotionally. That made more guilt. I know that guilt is a plan of the enemy and not what God wants for any of us. Still it was hard to feel that way. I attribute this to the infection and lack of sleep causing depression. The pain was bad for a week but it is so much better now. I am feeling more human and getting more sleep because it doesn't hurt as much. Asher is also helping because he is sleeping a little better now too. That is a blessing. Still not sleeping through the night or taking 5 hours at night of sleep but it has been better the last couple nights.

Asher was going through a grow spurt this week so I noticed he was needing to feed more often. In order to increase my milk supply I began to drink the mother's milk tea more often and began to take fenugreek supplements. I also pumped after my feedings for a day to quickly increase the supply. It worked well and now Asher is again spreading out his feedings.

We are doing parent directed breast feeding. It is on a flexible schedule. We have been trying to get back to the NICU schedule. Sometimes we adjust it because Asher needs more but other times we try to keep his as close to it as possible so he feels secure that he will have food soon.

We tried doing the demand feeding but that didn't work for Asher or for me. He was eating little snack meals instead of full meals every hour to hour and half. Sometimes even sooner. Neither of us were getting any sleep. It was very hard on me and on him. I was over exhausted and very depressed. I know that depression isn't a plan of God either. God wants us to have his joy as our strength. I need to concentrate on that. The joy of the Lord will be my strength... I can rejoice in the miracle of my son. I will celebrate his life and rejoice in all the wonderful things God is doing. I will give thanks to the Lord that I am being healed and that it won't hurt to feed my son what he needs.

Lord God, I thank you for your healing hands that reach down and heal all my pains. Lord I ask that you continue to heal me and set me free from the vasospasms and from the mastitis. Lord you are the great physician and I know you can heal me completely. I am trusting in you for this healing. Lord I thank you so much for the miracle of Asher! I thank you that even today as he is 6 weeks 6 days old that you are working mightily in his life. Lord I ask that you continue to help him eat and grow. Lord bless him with the ability to eat all he needs in fewer feedings so that we can soon sleep at night. Lord you are the author and perfecter of life. We trust that you are working in our plans to help Asher sleep by feeding him in intervals. Lord please help Asher to drop the 3 am feeding soon and then help us all to get the rest we need. In Jesus name, amen!

Asher's one month old!

Asher turned one month old on December 12 and got to have a special shower with friends and family! He is doing so well and gaining weight. He is over 8 lbs now! Such a good eater! We have been blessed to have our prayers answered and Asher is now a breast feed baby by the boob and not by the bottle...except for 1 feeding because daddy wants to feed him too!

It has been an exhausting month. The first 11 days in the NICU and the rest here at home. Pumping was getting daunting so it was such a blessing when Asher began to be able to breast feed. Now the next step is to work on sleep!

With the advice of one our our PUV family friends we got a video called the happiest baby that talks about ways to calm your baby down. We have used several of the techniques but it didn't really seem to help that much. He responds to a couple of the steps that they suggest like the side hold and the swaddle but the other ones he doesn't really like that much.

We have read a ton on how to get your baby to sleep in the night. The key is more developmental though because the babies tummy must be big enough to eat enough so they can sleep longer. That and they have to be able to stay awake during the feeding so they get enough food as well.

The night before last Asher was up almost all night barely sleeping at all and then yesterday he was up all day. He only took 1 hour nap yesterday. So needless to say mommy and Asher were exhausted last night.

Many of the things I have read about sleeping and babies is that you shouldn't hold them while sleeping because they get used to it and won't be able to sooth themselves to sleep and therefore won't sleep through the night. This seems like sage advice... but it was advice that I totally ignored last night out of desperation. Chris and I got all the pillows we could find and propped myself up in a semi sitting semi reclined position. Then put my boppy on my lap and put Asher up to my chest. The boppy was to keep my arms in a position to hold Asher best and keep him safe.

They tell you not to sleep like this because of the risk of sids. I made sure that Asher's face was always clear so he could breath. It was very helpful to get the sleep but made me feel guilty later that maybe I was setting him up to fail with sleep later on.

I am going to try to start a bed time routine with Asher soon. I don't know how early that this actually works but I am hoping and praying that I can get Asher on a bit of a schedule soon. We all could use the sleep.

Lord God, we thank you every day for the blessing of Asher! We pray that you continue to work in his life. You have done so much for him in the month that he has been alive Lord. We pray that you will continue the good work you have begun. Lord we ask that you help us to establish a bed time routine with Asher that will help him sleep better and help us be able to be better parents to him. Lord thank you for each little miracle and for the sleep that you gave us all last night. We bless your name Lord God and praise you for every single thing! Thank you God! In Jesus name, amen!

God's miracle baby food!

God has blessed mothers with a very special food for their babies, breast milk. It was my desire for Asher to be a breast feed only baby. I had planned on breast feeding him as soon as he was born. Unfortunately due to his early arrival I was not able to take him directly to the breast.

His first food was a sugar and electrolyte IV. He was on that for a few days while he was on the CPAP and the Oxygen. He continued his IV after he got his first bottle which was a mix of a tiny bit of breast milk which barely dripped from me at the time (in fact they used a syringe to collect it from the pump bag) and a tiny bit of formula... only 10mls. From that point on I pumped and pumped determined that my son would not have to take the formula.

Pumping was so tiring but worth it completely in my mind. I knew that he was getting what was best for him. While Asher was in the NICU I pumped 8 times a day to make sure I kept up with what he needed and then when home with a 2 day supply. Before we started to transition to the breast, after the NICU, I pumped around 7 times a day. It was getting hard to keep up with the feeding, diapering and pumping. I was barely getting any sleep at all so I decided that maybe it was time to try and get Asher to breast feed on his own.

I had been told that it can be a challenge for premies to do this. I was also told that many babies just don't get it down and their mom's have to pump for several months. Since I didn't know exactly how to get Asher to start breast feeding instead of bottles I made an appointment with the lactation consultant at the hospital.

That meeting was on the 1st, which was also my birthday! During the consultation Asher latched well and got his full amount for a 3 hour time period. Breast feed babies tend to take enough normally for a 2 hour period to start so it was an excellent sign that Asher was ready to try breast feeding.

Since Asher is still a bit small they were concerned that he would be able to get enough to keep growing so the hospital loaned me a scale to weigh Asher after the feedings to see how much he would get.

He has done well so far with it getting more then his daily need each day and growing great each day. Today though will be the first day we don't weigh him after each feeding. It makes me a bit nervous but I know that God is in control and has helped us so much so far that everything will turn out great for Asher today. It is my prayer that he gains appropriately tomorrow and that we won't have to go back to weighing after each feeding.

He is starting to make noises right now for eating so I better wrap this blog up! But I just wanted to share Asher's little breast feeding miracles. He is doing so well! God is so good!

Lord God, we praise you so much for what you are doing in Asher. We ask you to continue the good work you have begun. Please help him today and every day forward to get all he needs in breast milk while he grows. Please help my body to work right and produce lots of milk for Asher. Help the milk to flow at a fast enough rate that Asher gets what he needs in his feeding time and help him to be full and satisfied each time. In Jesus name, amen!

Asher's big day November 12, 2009

Welcome to the world baby Asher! Happy birthday!

Baby Asher's big day started November 11th at his 35 week day! My pre-eclampsia finally reared it's ugly head again and my BP went up to 158/102. It was up for 3 consecutive readings so all the doctors came into my room and said. So do you want to have your baby today?

I was super excited to meet my little guy so of course I said yes! My contractions had actually begun to work on their own finally... which may have been why my BP was up. I was dilated a little over a 3 and was way more effaced. So my body was kicking into gear. They moved me over to Labor and Delivery in the early afternoon and started me on Magnesium and Pitocin.

I was half thinking that I would have a couple days of labor. Really it only took a few hours. I chose not to have an epidural and was almost regretting that the hour before Asher was born. The previous hours were relatively easy because of having the contractions for a month. Then all of a sudden I felt like I was going to puke. Awful pain followed that. Then painful contractions and desire for drugs! Asher was born face up! He had flipped over just like his brother and had given me back labor... just like his brother. Ouchy! To say the least!

Asher made his way into the world 12:57 am on the 12th. He peed twice as soon as he came out. We were so happy about that because of what happened to baby Nels. I was supposed to have him put on top of me but that did not happen. Instead he was taken to the NICU exam table in my room. He wasn't doing well. His lungs were not mature enough. They let me hold my little baby 1 minute before they took him away. They told me it was for a two hour observation. Later they told me for 24 hours.... then I was told he was checked in to the NICU. My heart broke. I wanted to see and hold my baby. I didn't want to be away from him.

My cousin and my mom held me down on my bed when I got upset and wanted to go see him. No one was taking me to see my baby. I needed to see him. I needed to know what was going on. My husband was in the NICU and my mom and cousin were able to go in with him... but I was not allowed to go see him or hold him. It was an awful time for me. I couldn't handle it. I broke down. Cried, and yelled and unfortunately swore.

Later on that day I finally got to see and hold my baby for a short time. He had a CPAP machine on breathing for him. He was on Oxygen and was on IV's and feeding tubes. It broke my heart to see him like that. I didn't want Asher to ever have to go through anything so hard.

Asher was in the NICU for 11 days. Each day I went to the rounds and talked with the doctors to see what Asher would have to do in order to get out of the NICU. I spent as much time as I could in the NICU with Asher. Which was a good thing. I only left him for 6 hours a night to go sleep in a hotel near by that Chris's parents bought for us.

Asher improved miraculously thanks to the prayers and miracles of God and the hard work of us and the NICU staff. He got off his CPAP in 3 days and he got off his oxygen in 5 days. He got off his IV in and out of his incubator in 8 days. The last big hurdle was his feeding.

He had a feeding tube down his nose for all but 1 of the days he was in the NICU. On his last 48 hours in the NICU he made great strides and took all his bottles. It was a blessing and meant he could come home with us.

He had to pass a hearing test and car seat test before release too... which he did with flying colors!

Asher got to come home with us finally on the Monday before Thanksgiving. The first 3 days it was just Asher and I at home. I pumped and he ate, slept, peed and pooped. Then Thanksgiving came and daddy was home with us. That was a blessing to have someone else helping with diapers and feeding.

It now has been a few days since Thanksgiving. We had a big appointment for him yesterday with the Lactation consultant at the UW medical center. There he ate 64 ml from the breast so he passed the test enough to get a borrowed scale for home so that we can transition him to breast feeding completely and so that I won't have to pump as much. That will be a time saver and a blessing.

We had tried to put him directly into our cloth diapers for him... but they were too big on his premie body. So we have a few disposables to tide us over for a couple weeks. Right now our focus is getting the breast feeding going. Then we will focus more on the cloth diapers again. The first two days he had the cloth diapers on he was very unhappy... but we are praying that it will work out for him soon and that we will be able to transition him to that in a couple more weeks. That will be best for his health.

So that is the story of Asher up to now. Hopefully he will continue to make miraculous strides and will grow happy and healthy!

Lord God, we praise you so much for our precious Asher! We thank you that in all things you are working for good for Asher and that you will lead and guide his steps. Lord we bless your name and praise you for each miracle you have done in Asher's life. Be with us, lead us and guide us as we raise this precious gift for you. In Jesus name, amen!

Baby Nels's Big Day

I know today is not his big one year day, but I didn't want anyone to think that his day went unnoticed. On last Thursday baby Nels would have been 1 year old. What a miracle it would have been to have him here with us... but he was in heaven instead on his big day.

Since I am still in the hospital my mom to a birthday balloon to baby Nels for me. I guess he's a big boy now so I should just call him Nels. Even now a few days later I am having trouble writing this. I miss him so much but know that he is happy and healthy where he is now.

After my mom went to see Nels she came here to the hospital to spend time with me. She brought Asher's quilt and some items that I asked Chris to have her bring... including Nels's special wing candle holder. I have a fake candle that I light up for Nels so I did that on the hour he would have been born and alive.

I didn't want to fall apart during that hour. It wouldn't have been fair to baby Nels... so instead I did my monitoring and listened to Asher's heart beating during that time. I felt numb most of the day. The night before I was a mess after watching Nels's video. It is so hard for me to watch. There are so many things I wish I could have done with and talked about with Nels. All I can remember telling him is what I have on the little video clips that we got. "You try hard to breath baby Nels" "You are such a good boy." and "I love you so much." I guess even with a life time with their children some parents never get to say all the things they would have liked to have said.

I also wrote Nels a birthday card which Chris took to mom to take to baby Nels. I wanted him to know that I wasn't forgetting his big day. I wish I could have done more for him. Chris went to his grave on his lunch break so he could do it during the light. He had birthday lunch with baby Nels. Then after work Chris came to stay with me. They have a special do not disturb sign for patients that I requested so I could have some time alone with Chris. Chris needed to get out some of his feelings and cry a bit. He didn't have the same release of emotions that I had the night before. Then Chris spent the night with me. I think it would have been much harder alone.

I wish that Baby Asher would have been here to brighten our days and make our hearts whole on Nels's day. But he is still cooking... amazing but true. If my body worked normally he would have been here and we could have told him all about how brave his big brother was and how hard he fought for his life.

Nels will always be a treasure to Chris and I. He was the most beautiful thing we ever had the privilege to be a part of. He was our miracle baby boy. He was our first to be born. He hold our hearts tightly. Some day we will get to see him again... hug him and tell him how much we loved him and missed him.

We hope you had a great birthday Baby Nels and that the angels rejoiced with you on your big day.

34 weeks and still pregnant

Today Asher reached the 34 weeks mark. Yay for Asher! Good job buddy! I actually can't believe that he has stayed in this long with all that he has gone through. First the SCH, then the preeclampsia, next the swine flu and lastly these endless contractions. It has been a bit of a rough road for him but he has done really well.

As for me, I am a bit tired of the contractions and ready for Asher to come meet us. Today last year I was in my second day of Labor with baby Nels. I miss him so much. Tomorrow is going to be a very hard day for me to be here. I wish Asher was born already so he won't have to go through my emotional roller coaster the next few days. But that will be up to God and Asher to make that happen.

Lord God, thank you for growing Asher nice and healthy. Thank you for developing all his parts and giving him life. Lord God I ask you now to please let Asher be born. I know you have prepared a way for him and are making everything good. Lord start the birthing process and make it easy for him to come out. Help me emotionally as I remember last year and help me to prepare to have Asher. Open my cervix and show that I am ready to have him. In Jesus name, amen!

Contractions, Contractions, and more contractions. Week 33

Monday night through about noon Tuesday were the were the worst contractions I have had thus far. They were almost like the contractions I had on the beginning of the second day of labor with baby Nels. I was very much in pain and had trouble breathing because of them.

Then my doctor came by to see me, measure my cervix (which hadn't changed a bit), and gave me the medicine to help stop the contractions. I was in big pain so I was happy for the relief but now the contractions have become more irregular again. The medicine was a one time deal because my BP had gone up from all the prior days contractions. It was high enough that this medicine wouldn't lower it too low.

Today during my monitoring I noticed that the pattern had change back to a pattern closer to a week ago. I am not sure how I feel about that. I want Asher to grow a little more and be happy and healthy when he is born... but at this point... I am wanting him born soon. I know he is big enough now and would be a very healthy baby. What I am concerned about is having hard contractions for the next week and a half to 3 weeks and then not being able to enjoy the birth of my son because I am too exhausted to be present mentally. I want his birth to be wonderful... what mom wouldn't! I know I still have a risk of having to have a c-section but I am still praying for natural.

Today I get to go to a special meeting. It will be with someone who is working on a new nurse transition plan. 4 of the long term patients are going to this meeting to hear the new plan (which won't be implemented until January) and give our in put from a patient prospective on what will work good and what won't. That should be interesting.

After that I am going to attempt to do something kind for someone. We'll see how that works out! :) I am having my husband get something for one of the patients as well that she said she would like to have. Such a nice hubby I have!

I got to meet several patients yesterday at the group meeting. That was nice. I pray that all of them do well and heal quickly and for those with babies who have issues, I pray that the babies will be ok.

I only have 1 more week to go to get to the time that I had baby Nels. I went into labor with Nels starting at week 34 and had him at 34 weeks 2 days. If I had Asher on the same schedule I would end up having him somewhere between next wednesday and next friday. It turns out that next Thursday is baby Nels's 1st birthday in heaven. I wish I could go to his spot and take him a first birthday balloon. But I am stuck here so hopefully Chris will do it for me.

So here is my prayer for right now:

Abba, Heavenly Father, I come to you in the name of your son Jesus and ask for your help in my situation. Lord God please bring the contractions back to a normal pattern and help my body to begin to work correctly so that I will be able to have Asher soon. Lord, help my bodies to produce the hormones it need to so that Asher isn't bumping his head against what my doctor calls my cervix of steel. Lord prepare Asher for the birthing process. Help his lungs to be ready to breath and his body to be ready to eat. Lord God, I ask that you move in miracles and help my placenta to be up a bit so I can have Asher naturally. Lord I pray that he will be happy and healthy when he is born and that I will not be too tired to experience this miracle moment you have provided me with. Lord be with Chris. Keep him healthy so that he can be here during Asher's birth. Keep all illness from him. Lord I ask that you help the women here each with their own problems and burdens. Bless them with babies who not only survive but thrive. In thy name, amen!

Having a bit of a moment :(

This evening has been a rough one for me. Even though I had a nice visit with my cousin Tara and then with my mom and dad later on in the afternoon. That and getting a couple cards from Sandra were the bright spots of my day.

I have been having between 18 and 20 contractions an hour today. Pretty constant so I started to get a wee bit sore. The constant contractions have pretty much been happening for the last 3 days. My body is getting a bit tired and my mind is a bit tired too.

Early this evening I had a couple contractions that were hard enough to cause me to dry heave. That was bad. All it did was bring up memories of when I had baby Nels. The night before I had him I dry heaved pretty badly. Contractions were different with him though because the eased off and sometimes stopped all together. That is why I had to have Pitocin with him on the second day.

My doctor told me on Friday that my body was just one of those bodies that contracted a lot and that I shouldn't expect to have Asher until later on. She says my cervix is a cervix of steal. Honestly, I don't think I can handle weeks of this. My body is already tired... what will weeks do? Plus what is it doing to poor little Asher being squished and un-squished constantly.

This morning when the doctors came around I was getting out of the shower. They told me they would come back... but didn't. Evidently they decided on their own that they didn't need to monitor Asher twice a day anymore. This makes me nervous... contractions are getting worse... so less monitoring? UggggHHHHH! So frustrating. It gave me such peace hearing him at night. But it won't happen tonight. :( It make me kind of sad and kind of a little afraid of what could happen to Asher in the mean time. I didn't see a doctor all day today. I guess they are resigned to me being a chronically contracting person and aren't really concerned about Asher being born early.

I had a dream about that a couple days ago. Contractions were ignored long enough that I called Chris at work and told him I was having that day and he should come. In my dream he came and went over to the labor and delivery side. He was waiting over there in an empty room. I was going to walk over there too. As soon as I got close to that hall though I had Asher fall out in my pajamas. I picked him up and carried him to Chris. It was a very odd dream. I don't think that it will happen that way but I am concerned that they won't know when it is really happening. I am not the boy who cried wolf people... I really am having some bad contractions... you can see them on your monitoring... can't fake it!!!!

Ok I guess I should calm down and just try to be at peace at the moment for Asher's sake. I know God is in control and that He won't let me go through this alone and be in pain for weeks. I know also that Asher is grown well and would do fine if born soon so I can be at peace with that but what I don't know is how these contractions are treating him.

Please God keep Asher safe through the contractions and prepare his way quickly. In Jesus name, Amen!