Can't believe our little miracle is 3 years old!

Asher turned 3 last November!  There are days that I wonder where the time went and wonder how how time could speed up as he gets older... I want to freeze time!

Just this morning Asher woke up and wanted snuggle time!  Yay!  Mommy loves snuggle time!  For half an hour he snuggled in my arms and we discussed everything from what you call your ankle to adding numbers.  He is so smart... and I am so proud of my little guy!  I know snuggle time won't always happen so I am trying to treasure each moment and thank God for precious times like this!

Celebrating God's grace and mercy in my life has become even more important now that Asher is growing up strong and healthy!  He's no longer my little tiny premmie... he is tall healthy and happy!  What a huge blessing that is!

Chris and I had wanted to have another sibling for Asher... but I am getting older which makes me wonder if it will ever happen.  If it is God's will that another miracle comes in our lives to grow up with Asher it would have to happen quickly.  But no matter what we will continue to treasure each moment with our treasure here on earth and remember all our treasures that are waiting for us in heaven.

Words that melt a mommies heart!

Asher has grown into a wonderful little man!  He is 2 years 8 months now and is growing up so very fast.  His heart is so big and his spirit is so sweet!  What a blessing from God he is!

I am not saying that there aren't days with challenges.  He is a toddler after all... but he is precious to us in a way we could have never imagined!   

Today Asher said something that melted my heart and made me so proud to be his mom.  

For no reason out of no where he came up to me, gave me a hug and said "I love you mommie you're my best friend!"  What a sweet thing for him to say!   

I know that it is not something I may ever hear again so I am going to treasure it forever!   As he grows I know that as with all parents my job is to be his mom... not necessarily his "Best Friend" 

Boundaries have to be set at different time in life and rule will have to be made... but for today being the best friend of my toddler is an amazing thing!  

I promise I will never forget this day when he is a teen trying to test the boundaries, when he thinks he knows all and when he thinks that parents are silly people without wisdom.  I know that day will come... it comes for all.  

Asher, I want you to always know that you are my treasure!  You are my precious gift from God!  You are a blessing and you bring me great joy!  May your joy and love continue to grow as you do and may you know the blessings in your life that God has brought to mine!  

I love you Buddy!  Thank you for being my best friend!

Asher's First Hair Cut

I can't believe my little miracle is growing up so fast! A couple of weeks ago he got his very first hair cut and 2 weeks from now he will be two! Wow time flies! I want to press a pause button some time! I love him so much and can't wait to see what a wonderful person he will grow into but sometimes I miss my tiny little baby!

Asher's first hair cut went relatively well. No huge screaming or crying which is a blessing! We had seen a child getting their first haircut in the mall a couple months ago who was screaming so hard that I worried about getting Asher's cut and kept putting it off!

But it had to be done! Asher isn't Sampson so his hair doesn't hold his power! It was starting to tangle and get matted in the back which was very hard to get out. I even cut out a piece after a bath one day. I was bummed when most people told me that his little curls would go away once we cut his hair for the first time... but this did not happen! Yay!!! His hair still has a little bit of a wave to it! So cute!

Asher sat on his dad's lap for his hair cut and overall did pretty well! Bye Bye long locks... hello big boy hair do! Wow what a difference a haircut makes!

God's grace is found in many ways!

Asher had his 18 month check up and last two shots before he turns 4 this week! I can't believe it! He is growing up so very fast.... what happened to those babies days? He is a toddler and he is a big boy now! He runs, jumps, climbs, pushes things over and tries to make his very own special impact where ever he goes!

Asher loves to dance! He loves it so much that when ever he hears music (no matter what kind) he busts an appropriate move. From ballet to hip hop that boy can move! I looked into getting him in dance classes earlier this year but most classes wanted him to be at least two if not 4 and potty trained. Hopefully soon I will find him a class.

It seems that as he grows and matures I see more and more of God's grace coming from him and surrounding him on a daily basis. Asher has a kind heart. If he thinks something is wrong he will come and give you a big hug or he will cry for you. That was evident this week big time!

Asher could tell that Chris and I were having a stressful week so he made sure to say lots of "love you's " and gave lots of high fives. It was in the quite moments though that I saw the most love and grace come from him.

I had a bad day and did something I wasn't proud of. I got mad at Asher for taking my glasses of and poking me in the eye. I scolded him and it broke his heart. I had never heard him cry so hard in my life. I didn't know what to do. I felt like the worst mom ever so I picked him up and hugged him until he quieted down. I took a mommy time out and did some cleaning to get myself calmer, then sat next to him on the coach and explained to him that it hurt and not to take off mommies glasses. He just sat quietly next to me... then grabbed my hand gently and gave it a kiss.

I did not feel worthy of that kiss at that time. Still don't but I know that it was a reflection of God's love for us through my son. God has blessed me with such a treasure in Asher! I am reminded of this every day!

Having trouble celebrating... but Asher deserves celebration!

I know it has been a very long time since I have posted anything. I actually have two written that I never posted. I have been struggling with memories and with decisions that I made in the past and how they have effected our lives.

Asher is a wonderful, beautiful miracle! We are so blessed to have him! He is our little (well not so little now) miracle, a blessing from God! So why is it that I end up in tears? Asher is healthy, and for the most part happy! He loves to dance and sing! He loves to blow raspberries and have them blown on his tummy! He is so smart...he says mamma, didi (a version Daddy), Daddy, Ney (short for honey), Hi, Hello, Bye, milk, more, no, amma (short for grandma), umpa (short for grandpa), Eric, and Laila. He copies more and more words every day! What a miracle that is!

He sleeps through the night for the most part and is a good eater now mostly eating solid whole foods like carrots, peas, meats, bananas, apples and other finger foods. He is very independent in eating and wants to be able to feed him self so he has been off the mushy food for a little over a month and a half now. Such a blessing to be able to cut up an apple for him for snack and have him sit there and eat it. To go from having trouble drinking at first to being able to do this is such a huge blessing and such a miracle. We know so many other NICU babies who are having trouble with this. What a blessing it is for Asher not to have any problems with eating now.

Asher really really really wants to walk. He didn't crawl until between eight and nine months... but now at 10 he sees others walking and wants to be doing the same. He picks himself up on anything he can. We even saw him standing up once just using some thing to push off of. He can stand for a little bit before his bum hits the floor... longer if he has one hand on something... shorter if he decides he needs to be dancing. His dancing is so cute... he does a side to side head bob and actually has really good rhythm! Such a good baby! He loves to be snuggled and snuggled he is!

The longest I have been away from Asher so far was to watch a movie with Chris. I am not good at leaving Asher. I think this has to do with losing so many others... especially baby Nels. I don't want to miss out on any time with Asher. I know that this is going to have to change eventually and that I will need to get my own life and not smoother his. But I want to treasure the time I have with him.

We have seen so many go through the pain of losing a child. It is heart breaking and devastating. Two years ago today I was put in the Hospital with baby Nels. I had gone in for a normal ultrasound because I was measuring big and was admitted to the hospital not knowing what was going on. I was 29 weeks along with him when we found out he had PUV. It would take weeks of hospitalization before we realized what this really meant for our precious little boy. We were told many different things... but one doctor told us straight up... if his lungs were too small he could not live. I hated that! I refused to believe that! We had people around the world praying for him for a miracle! I believe in miracles! I have seen them and wanted one so bad for Nels. During that time in the hospital I tried to stay positive and tried to do everything I could to give Nels the best chance of survival. We decided shortly before he was born that we would do comfort care with him because of the last ultrasound he had. It showed that his lungs were so small and not developed enough to support life. One doctor had told us that they could have kept him alive a little bit longer on machines but that it would be painful for him because of his lungs. I didn't want to put him through that pain.... but every day I wish that I would have had more then an hour with my precious son. Sitting here right now writing this I have a lump in my throat and tears streaming down my face. It has been two years.... I can't change anything. My precious boy is in heaven. All I can do is be thankful that I did have time with him. So parents do not even get that.

To make things a little worse... my hospitalization last year started on today as well! For two years I lived all of October and parts of September and November at the University of Washington Medical Center. Last year was a harder hospital stay with swine flu and preeclampsia. I spent two weeks alone in quarantine for something I got in the hospital. Then I had constant contractions until Asher was born. His contractions actually started in July. At first few and far between.... but then in September they became more regularly spaced... but too close together to do anything. I have this weird feeling inside right now that I am missing out by not being there this year. It is almost like a post-traumatic issue. It is hard to explain. I just feel weird being out in the real world this year.

Emotionally this year I have had my ups and my very low downs. I get excited for every new thing Asher does and then cry a little inside because baby Nels did not get to experience that. I hope that this doesn't happen for the rest of Asher's life. I feel bad because I wish that Asher and Nels could have known each other and I wish that Asher's twin was here with him so that he would have a sibling.

I decided long ago that I would not try to have any more children after 40. Now I am rethinking this. This year we (I) had wanted to try and have another child so that Asher would not be alone when we are gone. Chris doesn't think it is necessary for Asher but would like another child for the sake of having another child to treasure. With the loss of another in May very early miscarriage those dreams of mine were crushed. Since then I have not even had a period. I know that this is probably due to my breast feeding Asher but it bummed me out... because I turn 40 in December. Even if I did get pregnant again there is no way I could have the child before 40. I know that we have been blessed with our two children who were born Nels and Asher and that some people don't even get that blessing. I should be so thankful for that so why do I feel like something is missing.

I don't know what to do.... I do know what to do! I hate that I feel torn! I know that I need to just concentrate on Asher and celebrate his beautiful life. He is a precious treasure! I love you Asher! Mommy is going through some hard emotions right now but I promise I will be better soon. I know I have so much to look forward to in your life but I also know that I must treasure each and every step along the way! I love you so much!

Abba, Heavenly Father, I come to you with mixed emotions today. I am struggling to get out of the past and live here and now. Lord thank you for your blessings, both Nels and Asher! They are treasures that you entrusted me with. I am so blessed that you trusted me with them. Thank you for all you have done in our lives. Help me to be thankful and to celebrate Asher's life. Lord if it is your will we would like to have a sibling that is alive for Asher... but we know that it would have to be a miracle from you. Lord God heal my heart and help me to honor baby Nels and not bring shame by my sorrow. Lord I know that Nels's life, though short has made an impact on so many. I am so thankful that you have given us the ability to reach out to others through all that we have been through. Help me continue to be able to help others through things they are going through. Be with me, lead me and guide me. In Jesus name, amen!

Asher's 5 months post

Ok, so I am a bit late on this posting but Asher and I were quite busy at 5 months! At 5 months Asher weighed 17 lbs 4 ounces and was 26.5 inches long! He is sure growing fast now!

Some note-ables in Asher's life as he reached 5 months were that he was eating his cereal well and enjoying going out to meet others! Asher went to church on resurrection Sunday with us and grandma and grandpa. Then he got his picture taken with Tow Mater. That was a big thing for his daddy who loves the cars movie!

Asher is babbling a lot more now and trying to say words. I and you are still his favorite words. Every once and awhile he repeats something different though... like one day his uncle Eric came to visit and I kept saying uncle Eric to him. All the sudden he blurts out "Errrrraaac". That was cute.

Asher turned 5 months during our trip to Florida to visit Chris's grandma. Unfortunately the pictures we took on that day were on my big camera which got stolen in the Orlando airport on the way home. Such a bummer. There were some cute pictures of Chris's grandma holding Asher.

Asher started being able to reach the floor with his bouncy toy by 5 months. That is great. He really likes standing in it. Then he began to scoot backwards in his little walker car.

As far as food I will post that in a separate post. He has started eating veggies and loves them!

It is only 2 days from his 6 month day so I am going to cut this one short because I need to post a couple more posts before the 6 month one. :)

Asher's story is helping others!

In February I was contacted for permission to used Asher's story to help teach the importance of infectious disease control in hospitals. The University of Washington Medical Center where Asher was born wanted to use the information about me getting swine flu while in the antepartum unit to help teach others.

They requested pictures and information about our stay there. I was more then happy to help and share the pictures of Asher and I in the hospital and an updated happy picture of Asher at almost 3 months at that point.

The nurses and doctors at the UWMC did an excellent job taking care of me during the swine flu and managed to help me stay pregnant through that time. It was a blessing. I wanted the people to know that I didn't think it was a nurse or doctor that I got it from but more likely a food tray or something like that.

I just received a thank you note from the person who had requested the information. Here is what she said:

Kristin,

I want to let you know we enjoyed the pictures of you and baby Asher and told your story at our quality improvement meetings back in February. There were oohs and ahs upon seeing your picture with baby Asher. Thank you for being generous with your story and I want you to know it made a strong impression on our leadership staff of the importance of doing everything correctly to prevent the transmission of infection.

May you and your family have a wonderful Easter holiday,

Ellen

I feel so blessed that Asher and I have been able to tell our story in a way that can impact others lives in a positive way. It is such a blessing to be able to share and such a blessing to have Asher in our lives.

With out God and the nurses and doctors at UWMC our story would have been much different. What a blessing it is that Asher is happy and healthy and that his story will live on in the hearts of others.

I have a feeling that Asher's story will some day be able to effect as many people as Baby Nels's story has. Both of their stories are so special to me. Each of their birth stories will be in my heart for ever. Though Baby Nels wasn't here for his little brother to meet I am sure he is proud of all the positive things he is doing! I know I am!