Celebrating God's Grace

Asher's First Hair Cut

2011-11-03T15:59:00.000-07:00

I can't believe my little miracle is growing up so fast! A couple of weeks ago he got his very first hair cut and 2 weeks from now he will be two! Wow time flies! I want to press a pause button some time! I love him so much and can't wait to see what a wonderful person he will grow into but sometimes I miss my tiny little baby!

Asher's first hair cut went relatively well. No huge screaming or crying which is a blessing! We had seen a child getting their first haircut in the mall a couple months ago who was screaming so hard that I worried about getting Asher's cut and kept putting it off!

But it had to be done! Asher isn't Sampson so his hair doesn't hold his power! It was starting to tangle and get matted in the back which was very hard to get out. I even cut out a piece after a bath one day. I was bummed when most people told me that his little curls would go away once we cut his hair for the first time... but this did not happen! Yay!!! His hair still has a little bit of a wave to it! So cute!

Asher sat on his dad's lap for his hair cut and overall did pretty well! Bye Bye long locks... hello big boy hair do! Wow what a difference a haircut makes!

God's grace is found in many ways!

2011-06-10T22:08:00.000-07:00

Asher had his 18 month check up and last two shots before he turns 4 this week! I can't believe it! He is growing up so very fast.... what happened to those babies days? He is a toddler and he is a big boy now! He runs, jumps, climbs, pushes things over and tries to make his very own special impact where ever he goes!

Asher loves to dance! He loves it so much that when ever he hears music (no matter what kind) he busts an appropriate move. From ballet to hip hop that boy can move! I looked into getting him in dance classes earlier this year but most classes wanted him to be at least two if not 4 and potty trained. Hopefully soon I will find him a class.

It seems that as he grows and matures I see more and more of God's grace coming from him and surrounding him on a daily basis. Asher has a kind heart. If he thinks something is wrong he will come and give you a big hug or he will cry for you. That was evident this week big time!

Asher could tell that Chris and I were having a stressful week so he made sure to say lots of "love you's " and gave lots of high fives. It was in the quite moments though that I saw the most love and grace come from him.

I had a bad day and did something I wasn't proud of. I got mad at Asher for taking my glasses of and poking me in the eye. I scolded him and it broke his heart. I had never heard him cry so hard in my life. I didn't know what to do. I felt like the worst mom ever so I picked him up and hugged him until he quieted down. I took a mommy time out and did some cleaning to get myself calmer, then sat next to him on the coach and explained to him that it hurt and not to take off mommies glasses. He just sat quietly next to me... then grabbed my hand gently and gave it a kiss.

I did not feel worthy of that kiss at that time. Still don't but I know that it was a reflection of God's love for us through my son. God has blessed me with such a treasure in Asher! I am reminded of this every day!

Having trouble celebrating... but Asher deserves celebration!

2010-09-28T07:50:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a very long time since I have posted anything. I actually have two written that I never posted. I have been struggling with memories and with decisions that I made in the past and how they have effected our lives.

Asher is a wonderful, beautiful miracle! We are so blessed to have him! He is our little (well not so little now) miracle, a blessing from God! So why is it that I end up in tears? Asher is healthy, and for the most part happy! He loves to dance and sing! He loves to blow raspberries and have them blown on his tummy! He is so smart...he says mamma, didi (a version Daddy), Daddy, Ney (short for honey), Hi, Hello, Bye, milk, more, no, amma (short for grandma), umpa (short for grandpa), Eric, and Laila. He copies more and more words every day! What a miracle that is!

He sleeps through the night for the most part and is a good eater now mostly eating solid whole foods like carrots, peas, meats, bananas, apples and other finger foods. He is very independent in eating and wants to be able to feed him self so he has been off the mushy food for a little over a month and a half now. Such a blessing to be able to cut up an apple for him for snack and have him sit there and eat it. To go from having trouble drinking at first to being able to do this is such a huge blessing and such a miracle. We know so many other NICU babies who are having trouble with this. What a blessing it is for Asher not to have any problems with eating now.

Asher really really really wants to walk. He didn't crawl until between eight and nine months... but now at 10 he sees others walking and wants to be doing the same. He picks himself up on anything he can. We even saw him standing up once just using some thing to push off of. He can stand for a little bit before his bum hits the floor... longer if he has one hand on something... shorter if he decides he needs to be dancing. His dancing is so cute... he does a side to side head bob and actually has really good rhythm! Such a good baby! He loves to be snuggled and snuggled he is!

The longest I have been away from Asher so far was to watch a movie with Chris. I am not good at leaving Asher. I think this has to do with losing so many others... especially baby Nels. I don't want to miss out on any time with Asher. I know that this is going to have to change eventually and that I will need to get my own life and not smoother his. But I want to treasure the time I have with him.

We have seen so many go through the pain of losing a child. It is heart breaking and devastating. Two years ago today I was put in the Hospital with baby Nels. I had gone in for a normal ultrasound because I was measuring big and was admitted to the hospital not knowing what was going on. I was 29 weeks along with him when we found out he had PUV. It would take weeks of hospitalization before we realized what this really meant for our precious little boy. We were told many different things... but one doctor told us straight up... if his lungs were too small he could not live. I hated that! I refused to believe that! We had people around the world praying for him for a miracle! I believe in miracles! I have seen them and wanted one so bad for Nels. During that time in the hospital I tried to stay positive and tried to do everything I could to give Nels the best chance of survival. We decided shortly before he was born that we would do comfort care with him because of the last ultrasound he had. It showed that his lungs were so small and not developed enough to support life. One doctor had told us that they could have kept him alive a little bit longer on machines but that it would be painful for him because of his lungs. I didn't want to put him through that pain.... but every day I wish that I would have had more then an hour with my precious son. Sitting here right now writing this I have a lump in my throat and tears streaming down my face. It has been two years.... I can't change anything. My precious boy is in heaven. All I can do is be thankful that I did have time with him. So parents do not even get that.

To make things a little worse... my hospitalization last year started on today as well! For two years I lived all of October and parts of September and November at the University of Washington Medical Center. Last year was a harder hospital stay with swine flu and preeclampsia. I spent two weeks alone in quarantine for something I got in the hospital. Then I had constant contractions until Asher was born. His contractions actually started in July. At first few and far between.... but then in September they became more regularly spaced... but too close together to do anything. I have this weird feeling inside right now that I am missing out by not being there this year. It is almost like a post-traumatic issue. It is hard to explain. I just feel weird being out in the real world this year.

Emotionally this year I have had my ups and my very low downs. I get excited for every new thing Asher does and then cry a little inside because baby Nels did not get to experience that. I hope that this doesn't happen for the rest of Asher's life. I feel bad because I wish that Asher and Nels could have known each other and I wish that Asher's twin was here with him so that he would have a sibling.

I decided long ago that I would not try to have any more children after 40. Now I am rethinking this. This year we (I) had wanted to try and have another child so that Asher would not be alone when we are gone. Chris doesn't think it is necessary for Asher but would like another child for the sake of having another child to treasure. With the loss of another in May very early miscarriage those dreams of mine were crushed. Since then I have not even had a period. I know that this is probably due to my breast feeding Asher but it bummed me out... because I turn 40 in December. Even if I did get pregnant again there is no way I could have the child before 40. I know that we have been blessed with our two children who were born Nels and Asher and that some people don't even get that blessing. I should be so thankful for that so why do I feel like something is missing.

I don't know what to do.... I do know what to do! I hate that I feel torn! I know that I need to just concentrate on Asher and celebrate his beautiful life. He is a precious treasure! I love you Asher! Mommy is going through some hard emotions right now but I promise I will be better soon. I know I have so much to look forward to in your life but I also know that I must treasure each and every step along the way! I love you so much!

Abba, Heavenly Father, I come to you with mixed emotions today. I am struggling to get out of the past and live here and now. Lord thank you for your blessings, both Nels and Asher! They are treasures that you entrusted me with. I am so blessed that you trusted me with them. Thank you for all you have done in our lives. Help me to be thankful and to celebrate Asher's life. Lord if it is your will we would like to have a sibling that is alive for Asher... but we know that it would have to be a miracle from you. Lord God heal my heart and help me to honor baby Nels and not bring shame by my sorrow. Lord I know that Nels's life, though short has made an impact on so many. I am so thankful that you have given us the ability to reach out to others through all that we have been through. Help me continue to be able to help others through things they are going through. Be with me, lead me and guide me. In Jesus name, amen!

Asher's 5 months post

2010-05-10T10:04:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I am a bit late on this posting but Asher and I were quite busy at 5 months! At 5 months Asher weighed 17 lbs 4 ounces and was 26.5 inches long! He is sure growing fast now!

Some note-ables in Asher's life as he reached 5 months were that he was eating his cereal well and enjoying going out to meet others! Asher went to church on resurrection Sunday with us and grandma and grandpa. Then he got his picture taken with Tow Mater. That was a big thing for his daddy who loves the cars movie!

Asher is babbling a lot more now and trying to say words. I and you are still his favorite words. Every once and awhile he repeats something different though... like one day his uncle Eric came to visit and I kept saying uncle Eric to him. All the sudden he blurts out "Errrrraaac". That was cute.

Asher turned 5 months during our trip to Florida to visit Chris's grandma. Unfortunately the pictures we took on that day were on my big camera which got stolen in the Orlando airport on the way home. Such a bummer. There were some cute pictures of Chris's grandma holding Asher.

Asher started being able to reach the floor with his bouncy toy by 5 months. That is great. He really likes standing in it. Then he began to scoot backwards in his little walker car.

As far as food I will post that in a separate post. He has started eating veggies and loves them!

It is only 2 days from his 6 month day so I am going to cut this one short because I need to post a couple more posts before the 6 month one. :)

Asher's story is helping others!

2010-04-02T15:54:00.000-07:00

In February I was contacted for permission to used Asher's story to help teach the importance of infectious disease control in hospitals. The University of Washington Medical Center where Asher was born wanted to use the information about me getting swine flu while in the antepartum unit to help teach others.

They requested pictures and information about our stay there. I was more then happy to help and share the pictures of Asher and I in the hospital and an updated happy picture of Asher at almost 3 months at that point.

The nurses and doctors at the UWMC did an excellent job taking care of me during the swine flu and managed to help me stay pregnant through that time. It was a blessing. I wanted the people to know that I didn't think it was a nurse or doctor that I got it from but more likely a food tray or something like that.

I just received a thank you note from the person who had requested the information. Here is what she said:

Kristin,

I want to let you know we enjoyed the pictures of you and baby Asher and told your story at our quality improvement meetings back in February. There were oohs and ahs upon seeing your picture with baby Asher. Thank you for being generous with your story and I want you to know it made a strong impression on our leadership staff of the importance of doing everything correctly to prevent the transmission of infection.

May you and your family have a wonderful Easter holiday,

Ellen

I feel so blessed that Asher and I have been able to tell our story in a way that can impact others lives in a positive way. It is such a blessing to be able to share and such a blessing to have Asher in our lives.

With out God and the nurses and doctors at UWMC our story would have been much different. What a blessing it is that Asher is happy and healthy and that his story will live on in the hearts of others.

I have a feeling that Asher's story will some day be able to effect as many people as Baby Nels's story has. Both of their stories are so special to me. Each of their birth stories will be in my heart for ever. Though Baby Nels wasn't here for his little brother to meet I am sure he is proud of all the positive things he is doing! I know I am!

Asher's 4 month Post! :)

2010-03-21T07:19:00.000-07:00

Ok, I seem to be getting farther and farther behind in my postings the older he gets! So what has been happening with Asher? Lots!

At 4 months Asher had his check up and got good reports on everything! He weighed 15 lbs 13.5 ounces and was 24 and 1/2 inches long. He went to the 71st % in weight and to the 39th in weight and the 30th in head circumference. What an amazing time of growth he has had. He is catching up in height and head and has surpassed his age for weight. It is simply amazing how well he is growing!

Sleep.... ahhhh sweet sleep! Asher began sleeping amazingly a week after he turned 3 months. He has slept pretty much 8 to 9 hours a night since then. It is wonderful for Chris and I to get caught up on sleep. Asher has his sleep routine down. At 7 he gets to breast feed and then gets his one formula bottle that he gets a day. Then he has daddy lap time... chilling on the couch with daddy. At 9 we all head up stairs with the lights dimmed. Chris and I pray over Asher as he breast feeds a little more. Then a few minutes later he lets us know he done by turning his head. Sometimes his eyes are closed some times they are not but we place him in his crib and he snuggles in with his sleep sac on. In fact he has been wanting to go to bed a bit earlier lately... he may work into going to sleep at around 8. That would be nice too!

He has been sitting up with assistance of the boppy and the bumbo. He also has been just sitting on the couch but hasn't mastered that yet.

Play time has been much more fun! He is more interactive now. He grabs toys and hugs them and puts them in his mouth. He gets excited when we play with his horsey or ducky. They are little squares of material with heads and legs on them and 3 little teething rings. The horsey was the first thing he really began to play with. It was easy for him to grasp and so soft and nice on the hand.

At the doctor's visit they said Asher could get rice cereal this month. He is not so thrilled with it. Since he doesn't really like it much we haven't been making him eat the whole amount. He is gaining enough with what he has had so there is no concerns there. Next month he will be getting veggies.... if he starts liking the cereal. I just don't think it has clicked for him yet. I am sure he will eventually like it and want more. Some people don't even start until 6 months so this is not a big deal right now. He can just explore how it feels in his mouth and when he starts to like it we will be ready!

Asher has been doing well with awake time during the day. He is getting more and more aware of his surroundings. He loves to go to target. Bright colors and lights everywhere. What more fun can there be. He also loves to go for his walks around the neighborhood in his slings or strollers. We have been getting lots of questions about his sling since that news cast about the dangers of slings...I have a lot to write about that but will save it for a whole other post.

I am so thankful for every moment with Asher. He is truly a blessing for us! We love him so much! God has blessed us greatly!

Thank you Lord God for Asher! Thank you for helping him grow and develop as he should. Thank you for entrusting him to us. We love him so much! Lord please continue to help Asher grow and learn. In Jesus name amen!

Now we are having fun!

2010-03-09T10:44:00.000-08:00

The last few weeks with Asher have been amazing. He is changing so much each day! He loves to smile and talk now and really enjoys his reality TV time with daddy. I know TV is not a good thing to get him used to but Chris has been holding him and watching "Amazing Race" and "Survivor" with Asher. They both seem to be having a good time doing it too!

Asher has kept his sleep going and only had one bumpy night where he woke up at 3 and didn't go back to sleep until 5:30. Other then that he has had 7 to 9 hours of sleep a night which is a true blessing for Chris and I. It is also good for Asher too! He is a growing boy!

On the last two weekends we have taken Asher to the zoo! Yay!!! What a wonderful family activity! Chris and I bought the zoo membership and aquarium membership for the year. That will give us lots of fun activity times with Asher. He will get to see the animals and learn all about them while he is young. Plus we will be able to spend quality family time together.

Last weekend we went with my college room mate Gail and her two kids. That was a lot of fun! It is nice to get out with others as well. Not having children we missed out on doing activities with other families quite a bit. Now with Asher opportunities to go out with others are opening up a bit more.

Asher is sitting in his swing playing with his new horse toy as I type. He is doing much better in the swing then before... although he still doesn't like it that much. He would prefer to be held all the time during the day. I don't blame him... I love the snuggle time.

My parents have been in Yuma for the past couple weeks so Asher and I have gone out quite a bit on our own. We went to the outlet mall a couple times, to target several times and to the bank. It is getting easier to take Asher out. He has a good nap time in the morning that makes it easy to get things done.

What a blessing he is. I am so glad that I have more time to enjoy him now. I praise God for my little one and for helping me to be able to have good time with him. Each day is a wonderful adventure and a blessing.

This week he will turn 4 months old. That is amazing! The first 3 months seemed to drag... but this last month has flown.

Lord God, I thank you for the blessing of Asher. I thank you that you are working in his life daily and that you are helping him to grow and blossom. Lord lead and I guide me as I help Asher to grow into the person you have created. Lord hold him in your hands, keep him safe and help him to continue to do well! In Jesus name, amen!

Asher is 3 months!

2010-02-18T10:23:00.000-08:00

Wow 3 months already! I can't believe it has been a month since posting last! Asher was 14 lbs 2 ounces on his big 3 month day! He was close to 24 inches long... but we aren't sure on that because the measuring tape might have been a little twisted.

Asher went back to shorter hours sleeping after that last sleeping post. He had a growth spurt which had taken down the sleeping to a 4 hour and a couple two hours during the night. Then as soon as his big 3 month day hit his sleeping changed again. Now he is sleeping between 6 and 9 hours at night.

For a week he was at about 6 hours a night then the last 4 nights have been 7, 8 and 9 hours! What a blessing! Asher is so happy when he wakes up now. It is nice to see him smiling and cooing when he wakes up.

Asher's first valentines was a couple days after his 3 month day. He had lots of fun. We got him a stuffed lion and he wore an outfit that said mommy's prince on it with Kiss Me written on his feet. It was very cute!

Asher had a very busy month for his second month. He got to go to Seattle, Everett and Lynnwood a few times with mommy and daddy.

We had gotten several different types of carriers for him. He really didn't like the one Chris had picked out to carry him in. Then we went to a store in Seattle where we tried on several types. I wanted a carrier that would be easier to put on so I got a ring sling. Chris put his name on the waiting list for an ergo. But later decided against that one.

We went down to Oregon for the weekend the week before

his big day. He got to meet his great grandma Betty and got to take pictures with his dad and his family. They got a 4 generation picture of Asher, Chris, Joe and Betty. It was very nice!

That was Asher's first road trip! We Went out to lunch with Chris's family and then went shopping for carriers and walkers for Asher.

Then we went to Monika, Matt & Haley's new house to spend the night and have dinner. Asher slept 6 hours which was good for all we had done during the day.

The next day we went back to Lake Stevens for a super bowl party at my parent's house. Busy weekend for a little guy!

Asher has started to laugh and smile more too which is really nice! The colic behavior went away when we started to give him a bottle of formula at his 7pm feeding. I think he was just not getting enough from me in the evenings so he was unhappy. He actually still breast feeds at 7 before his formula but then eats between 6 and 8 ounces of formula on top of that. Hungry growing boy!

Well I better get going for now!

Dear Lord, I thank you so much for all you are doing in Asher's life. I ask that you keep doing good works in his life and bless him as he grows! Amen

Asher has learned to sleep!

2010-01-15T13:07:00.000-08:00

I have been postponing putting this blog on because I did not want to jump the gun on the sleeping issue. As you all know Asher has had some challenges with sleeping. Some days he only slept 6 to 7 hours total. Well it seems as if a sleeping switch has gone off in Asher. He has been sleeping much better since the day he turned 2 months!

On his two month big day Asher slept 4 hours straight that night! We were amazed! Happy!!! And felt so blessed to get our 3.5 hours of sleep in a row! It was wonderful!! Then the next day.... he slept 6 hours!!! Wow we figured we had a really good thing going then! The day after.... 7 hours.... and he would have kept sleeping had we not woken him up to feed him at 4:30 am. Same thing last night 7 hours!!

We are praying that it continues. He seems to be much happier now that he is sleeping better!!! Praise God!

So how did the miracle of the sleep happen? Did we do anything special?

Yes, we did.

1. We put Asher back on his NICU feeding schedule but flexed it a little when he was extra hungry...or when we had other things scheduled.

2. We prayed over Asher during his 9pm feeding and read sleeping Bible verses over him.

3. We kept it darker in the house in the evenings to get him ready to sleep.

4. We have a sound machine in his room that plays rain sounds.

5. After his 9 o'clock feeding we let him sleep as long as he could until feeding him next. (up until a few days ago the most was 2.5 hours)

6. We kept feedings quiet at night with no playing afterwards.

7. We put him in bed while still drowsy but quiet so he would learn to self sooth a little.

8. We put him in his crib in his own room. He liked the mattress better then the bassinet one and slept better when I wasn't leaning over looking at him at every noise.

9. We made sure he was burped, diapered and happily fed before bed time.

10. After hi 6pm feeding we played cuddled and interacted with him... some times stories, dancing, singing or baths.

11. I took all known allergens out of my diet. No milk, soy, nuts, wheat, or fish.

Now I am not going to say that this is the perfect way to get babies to sleep more. It is simply just what has worked for Asher so far. We know that at some point we may have to make adjustments, but for now this is what is working!

Thank you Lord God for giving Asher the ability to sleep more! Thank you for helping him to get more and more rest and for helping him to be happier in general. Lord continue to help Asher to get the sleep he needs and in turn helping Chris and I get sleep as well! In Jesus name Amen!

In awe of some special mom's!

2010-01-12T11:42:00.000-08:00

Lately I have found myself in awe of some very special mom's! After starting the PUV group I have met some very wonderful women who are taking care of their special little ones who have PUV. Their daily challenges are so much more then my little issues with Asher. They have some much more that they have to do to take care of their special little ones... and they do it with such grace.

True I might not get to see when they are really frustrated and I am sure they have their moments but these women are so strong.

Karen, you are a beacon of light in this darkened world! You have done so much for Matthew and have pressed so hard to get him the help and care he needs. All this you do while balancing your family life and spending time with your other son and your husband. Your journey has been so astounding to me. I don't know if I could have been as strong as you are. Your courage and hope brings be courage to press on with my daily tasks. I just want you to know that I think you are a great roll model for mom's everywhere.

Michelle, you are such a great mom! You take such good care of all of your children and have been such a great advocate for baby E. You have overcome much and keep pressing on to get the help your son needs so much. Even with more and more hurdles you have perservered. Your natural ways are so wonderful to me. Cloth diapers and breast feeding while soar is such a wonderful thing for your baby. I wish I could be as strong as you. I wish I was able to do things as naturally for Asher! I want you to know that I think you are so courageous in all you do pressing for help for baby E in a system that does not give you the help you need!

Stephanie, you have over come so much pain to be able to help so many people. You are a great mom to Vashon and I am sure that Vayden is so proud of all you have done in his name. I know that you have done so much to help others through their hard times. Keep pressing on my friend. I know you get frustrated at times but you are so strong! You are a great mom!

There are so many more mom's that I think have done such a wonderful job in the face of adversity and in their whole families. Some with PUV and some with other challenges. Georgi, you have done much to help others. Kelly, you are so sweet and even in your loss were strong. Jaimee, you are so good to your kids, helping them find an alternative schooling system when your schools let your kids down. Tessa, wow, advocate supreme. Lisa, I don't know how you do it with all your lovely kids! You are such a great mom! Stacey, you are a great roll model too. You have raised your boys well and now have been blessed with two little girls to raise as your own. I don't know how you do it.... but I am so glad you do. It inspires me to know that you are reaching out to others. Gail, you are such a good mom!

Please know that even if your name is not listed here and you are a mom, that I think you are wonderful. I never knew how much being a mom would tear at my heart strings and how much work it really was. I am in awe of any mom who has more then one child and don't know how you do it. I have a hard enough time with my one little one. Though I still wish I had both of them here with me today.

Oh and I would be remiss if I didn't add my own mom to the list! Thank you mom for all your help, support and strength. You are a wonderful and strong mom!

Thank you all for your friendship and strength!

Dear Lord, please hold all my friends and family who are mom's in your hands. Help each one to be the best mom they can be. Bless each one with strength, hope, love and perserverance. In Jesus name, amen!

Breast is best... even though it can be a challenge!

2009-12-30T14:22:00.000-08:00

It has been a couple weeks since I have posted. Asher keeps doing great and growing well. Today he was over 10 lbs. He has almost double his weight and still isn't even 2 months old. That is an amazing testament to God's grace and mercy and the health advantages of breast feeding.

Today Asher and I had the honor of making a video for the lactation services at the University of Washington Medical Center for them to use as education for parents in the NICU and to help educate lactation consultants, doulas and midwifes. It was quite an honor for us to be chosen to do this.

Over the last few weeks I have had some challenges in my breast feeding. The first of which was nipple vasospams. This is where the nipple blanches and turns a white skin color. It is caused by many different things from damage to nipple to a blood flow disorder. With me I figured it was because Asher bit down one day all pulled while he was pooing. I figured out though just a few days ago that it was my breast pump that had caused the problem. I turned back in my hospital rental and bought my own pump a few weeks ago. The new pump actually pinched and cause bruising to my areola. This caused the blood vessels to be cut off and the nipple to turn white. It cause so much pain. Thankfully I have friends who have been through it and offered help. They directed me to the Kellymom web site which has a lot of information about breast feeding. One friend even suggested hand warmers (the ones you put in your pockets while skiing). The hand warmers have been very helpful. The vasospasms have been a little better since then.

The next challenge was nipple blebs. Nipple blebs are white milk filled blisters on the nipple. I got these on Christmas eve and went to the doctor because they were so painful. So much so that I threw up after feeding Asher. I found out at the doctor that these (in my case) were caused by mastitis (a breast infection). I was put on a 10 day course of heavy antibiotics for that. That much antibiotics concerned me. That day I also had Asher and I tested for Thrush. Thankfully that was not the case. I had read that nipple blebs could be caused by that and That is why I did the testing for it. I was relieved that there was no thrush but since I was going to be on heavy antibiotics they gave me the medicine for it to wipe on nipple after feedings so that I would not develop it while being treated for the mastitis.

At one point I woke up in the morning crying because I knew I had to get up and feed my son soon. I had a few mornings of this. I felt like an awful mom. I didn't know if I could keep breast feeding because it felt so bad physically and emotionally. That made more guilt. I know that guilt is a plan of the enemy and not what God wants for any of us. Still it was hard to feel that way. I attribute this to the infection and lack of sleep causing depression. The pain was bad for a week but it is so much better now. I am feeling more human and getting more sleep because it doesn't hurt as much. Asher is also helping because he is sleeping a little better now too. That is a blessing. Still not sleeping through the night or taking 5 hours at night of sleep but it has been better the last couple nights.

Asher was going through a grow spurt this week so I noticed he was needing to feed more often. In order to increase my milk supply I began to drink the mother's milk tea more often and began to take fenugreek supplements. I also pumped after my feedings for a day to quickly increase the supply. It worked well and now Asher is again spreading out his feedings.

We are doing parent directed breast feeding. It is on a flexible schedule. We have been trying to get back to the NICU schedule. Sometimes we adjust it because Asher needs more but other times we try to keep his as close to it as possible so he feels secure that he will have food soon.

We tried doing the demand feeding but that didn't work for Asher or for me. He was eating little snack meals instead of full meals every hour to hour and half. Sometimes even sooner. Neither of us were getting any sleep. It was very hard on me and on him. I was over exhausted and very depressed. I know that depression isn't a plan of God either. God wants us to have his joy as our strength. I need to concentrate on that. The joy of the Lord will be my strength... I can rejoice in the miracle of my son. I will celebrate his life and rejoice in all the wonderful things God is doing. I will give thanks to the Lord that I am being healed and that it won't hurt to feed my son what he needs.

Lord God, I thank you for your healing hands that reach down and heal all my pains. Lord I ask that you continue to heal me and set me free from the vasospasms and from the mastitis. Lord you are the great physician and I know you can heal me completely. I am trusting in you for this healing. Lord I thank you so much for the miracle of Asher! I thank you that even today as he is 6 weeks 6 days old that you are working mightily in his life. Lord I ask that you continue to help him eat and grow. Lord bless him with the ability to eat all he needs in fewer feedings so that we can soon sleep at night. Lord you are the author and perfecter of life. We trust that you are working in our plans to help Asher sleep by feeding him in intervals. Lord please help Asher to drop the 3 am feeding soon and then help us all to get the rest we need. In Jesus name, amen!

Asher's one month old!

2009-12-15T10:54:00.000-08:00

Asher turned one month old on December 12 and got to have a special shower with friends and family! He is doing so well and gaining weight. He is over 8 lbs now! Such a good eater! We have been blessed to have our prayers answered and Asher is now a breast feed baby by the boob and not by the bottle...except for 1 feeding because daddy wants to feed him too!

It has been an exhausting month. The first 11 days in the NICU and the rest here at home. Pumping was getting daunting so it was such a blessing when Asher began to be able to breast feed. Now the next step is to work on sleep!

With the advice of one our our PUV family friends we got a video called the happiest baby that talks about ways to calm your baby down. We have used several of the techniques but it didn't really seem to help that much. He responds to a couple of the steps that they suggest like the side hold and the swaddle but the other ones he doesn't really like that much.

We have read a ton on how to get your baby to sleep in the night. The key is more developmental though because the babies tummy must be big enough to eat enough so they can sleep longer. That and they have to be able to stay awake during the feeding so they get enough food as well.

The night before last Asher was up almost all night barely sleeping at all and then yesterday he was up all day. He only took 1 hour nap yesterday. So needless to say mommy and Asher were exhausted last night.

Many of the things I have read about sleeping and babies is that you shouldn't hold them while sleeping because they get used to it and won't be able to sooth themselves to sleep and therefore won't sleep through the night. This seems like sage advice... but it was advice that I totally ignored last night out of desperation. Chris and I got all the pillows we could find and propped myself up in a semi sitting semi reclined position. Then put my boppy on my lap and put Asher up to my chest. The boppy was to keep my arms in a position to hold Asher best and keep him safe.

They tell you not to sleep like this because of the risk of sids. I made sure that Asher's face was always clear so he could breath. It was very helpful to get the sleep but made me feel guilty later that maybe I was setting him up to fail with sleep later on.

I am going to try to start a bed time routine with Asher soon. I don't know how early that this actually works but I am hoping and praying that I can get Asher on a bit of a schedule soon. We all could use the sleep.

Lord God, we thank you every day for the blessing of Asher! We pray that you continue to work in his life. You have done so much for him in the month that he has been alive Lord. We pray that you will continue the good work you have begun. Lord we ask that you help us to establish a bed time routine with Asher that will help him sleep better and help us be able to be better parents to him. Lord thank you for each little miracle and for the sleep that you gave us all last night. We bless your name Lord God and praise you for every single thing! Thank you God! In Jesus name, amen!

God's miracle baby food!

2009-12-06T09:35:00.000-08:00

God has blessed mothers with a very special food for their babies, breast milk. It was my desire for Asher to be a breast feed only baby. I had planned on breast feeding him as soon as he was born. Unfortunately due to his early arrival I was not able to take him directly to the breast.

His first food was a sugar and electrolyte IV. He was on that for a few days while he was on the CPAP and the Oxygen. He continued his IV after he got his first bottle which was a mix of a tiny bit of breast milk which barely dripped from me at the time (in fact they used a syringe to collect it from the pump bag) and a tiny bit of formula... only 10mls. From that point on I pumped and pumped determined that my son would not have to take the formula.

Pumping was so tiring but worth it completely in my mind. I knew that he was getting what was best for him. While Asher was in the NICU I pumped 8 times a day to make sure I kept up with what he needed and then when home with a 2 day supply. Before we started to transition to the breast, after the NICU, I pumped around 7 times a day. It was getting hard to keep up with the feeding, diapering and pumping. I was barely getting any sleep at all so I decided that maybe it was time to try and get Asher to breast feed on his own.

I had been told that it can be a challenge for premies to do this. I was also told that many babies just don't get it down and their mom's have to pump for several months. Since I didn't know exactly how to get Asher to start breast feeding instead of bottles I made an appointment with the lactation consultant at the hospital.

That meeting was on the 1st, which was also my birthday! During the consultation Asher latched well and got his full amount for a 3 hour time period. Breast feed babies tend to take enough normally for a 2 hour period to start so it was an excellent sign that Asher was ready to try breast feeding.

Since Asher is still a bit small they were concerned that he would be able to get enough to keep growing so the hospital loaned me a scale to weigh Asher after the feedings to see how much he would get.

He has done well so far with it getting more then his daily need each day and growing great each day. Today though will be the first day we don't weigh him after each feeding. It makes me a bit nervous but I know that God is in control and has helped us so much so far that everything will turn out great for Asher today. It is my prayer that he gains appropriately tomorrow and that we won't have to go back to weighing after each feeding.

He is starting to make noises right now for eating so I better wrap this blog up! But I just wanted to share Asher's little breast feeding miracles. He is doing so well! God is so good!

Lord God, we praise you so much for what you are doing in Asher. We ask you to continue the good work you have begun. Please help him today and every day forward to get all he needs in breast milk while he grows. Please help my body to work right and produce lots of milk for Asher. Help the milk to flow at a fast enough rate that Asher gets what he needs in his feeding time and help him to be full and satisfied each time. In Jesus name, amen!

Asher's big day November 12, 2009

2009-11-19T16:11:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the world baby Asher! Happy birthday!

Baby Asher's big day started November 11th at his 35 week day! My pre-eclampsia finally reared it's ugly head again and my BP went up to 158/102. It was up for 3 consecutive readings so all the doctors came into my room and said. So do you want to have your baby today?

I was super excited to meet my little guy so of course I said yes! My contractions had actually begun to work on their own finally... which may have been why my BP was up. I was dilated a little over a 3 and was way more effaced. So my body was kicking into gear. They moved me over to Labor and Delivery in the early afternoon and started me on Magnesium and Pitocin.

I was half thinking that I would have a couple days of labor. Really it only took a few hours. I chose not to have an epidural and was almost regretting that the hour before Asher was born. The previous hours were relatively easy because of having the contractions for a month. Then all of a sudden I felt like I was going to puke. Awful pain followed that. Then painful contractions and desire for drugs! Asher was born face up! He had flipped over just like his brother and had given me back labor... just like his brother. Ouchy! To say the least!

Asher made his way into the world 12:57 am on the 12th. He peed twice as soon as he came out. We were so happy about that because of what happened to baby Nels. I was supposed to have him put on top of me but that did not happen. Instead he was taken to the NICU exam table in my room. He wasn't doing well. His lungs were not mature enough. They let me hold my little baby 1 minute before they took him away. They told me it was for a two hour observation. Later they told me for 24 hours.... then I was told he was checked in to the NICU. My heart broke. I wanted to see and hold my baby. I didn't want to be away from him.

My cousin and my mom held me down on my bed when I got upset and wanted to go see him. No one was taking me to see my baby. I needed to see him. I needed to know what was going on. My husband was in the NICU and my mom and cousin were able to go in with him... but I was not allowed to go see him or hold him. It was an awful time for me. I couldn't handle it. I broke down. Cried, and yelled and unfortunately swore.

Later on that day I finally got to see and hold my baby for a short time. He had a CPAP machine on breathing for him. He was on Oxygen and was on IV's and feeding tubes. It broke my heart to see him like that. I didn't want Asher to ever have to go through anything so hard.

Asher was in the NICU for 11 days. Each day I went to the rounds and talked with the doctors to see what Asher would have to do in order to get out of the NICU. I spent as much time as I could in the NICU with Asher. Which was a good thing. I only left him for 6 hours a night to go sleep in a hotel near by that Chris's parents bought for us.

Asher improved miraculously thanks to the prayers and miracles of God and the hard work of us and the NICU staff. He got off his CPAP in 3 days and he got off his oxygen in 5 days. He got off his IV in and out of his incubator in 8 days. The last big hurdle was his feeding.

He had a feeding tube down his nose for all but 1 of the days he was in the NICU. On his last 48 hours in the NICU he made great strides and took all his bottles. It was a blessing and meant he could come home with us.

He had to pass a hearing test and car seat test before release too... which he did with flying colors!

Asher got to come home with us finally on the Monday before Thanksgiving. The first 3 days it was just Asher and I at home. I pumped and he ate, slept, peed and pooped. Then Thanksgiving came and daddy was home with us. That was a blessing to have someone else helping with diapers and feeding.

It now has been a few days since Thanksgiving. We had a big appointment for him yesterday with the Lactation consultant at the UW medical center. There he ate 64 ml from the breast so he passed the test enough to get a borrowed scale for home so that we can transition him to breast feeding completely and so that I won't have to pump as much. That will be a time saver and a blessing.

We had tried to put him directly into our cloth diapers for him... but they were too big on his premie body. So we have a few disposables to tide us over for a couple weeks. Right now our focus is getting the breast feeding going. Then we will focus more on the cloth diapers again. The first two days he had the cloth diapers on he was very unhappy... but we are praying that it will work out for him soon and that we will be able to transition him to that in a couple more weeks. That will be best for his health.

So that is the story of Asher up to now. Hopefully he will continue to make miraculous strides and will grow happy and healthy!

Lord God, we praise you so much for our precious Asher! We thank you that in all things you are working for good for Asher and that you will lead and guide his steps. Lord we bless your name and praise you for each miracle you have done in Asher's life. Be with us, lead us and guide us as we raise this precious gift for you. In Jesus name, amen!

Baby Nels's Big Day

2009-11-09T08:11:00.001-08:00

I know today is not his big one year day, but I didn't want anyone to think that his day went unnoticed. On last Thursday baby Nels would have been 1 year old. What a miracle it would have been to have him here with us... but he was in heaven instead on his big day.

Since I am still in the hospital my mom to a birthday balloon to baby Nels for me. I guess he's a big boy now so I should just call him Nels. Even now a few days later I am having trouble writing this. I miss him so much but know that he is happy and healthy where he is now.

After my mom went to see Nels she came here to the hospital to spend time with me. She brought Asher's quilt and some items that I asked Chris to have her bring... including Nels's special wing candle holder. I have a fake candle that I light up for Nels so I did that on the hour he would have been born and alive.

I didn't want to fall apart during that hour. It wouldn't have been fair to baby Nels... so instead I did my monitoring and listened to Asher's heart beating during that time. I felt numb most of the day. The night before I was a mess after watching Nels's video. It is so hard for me to watch. There are so many things I wish I could have done with and talked about with Nels. All I can remember telling him is what I have on the little video clips that we got. "You try hard to breath baby Nels" "You are such a good boy." and "I love you so much." I guess even with a life time with their children some parents never get to say all the things they would have liked to have said.

I also wrote Nels a birthday card which Chris took to mom to take to baby Nels. I wanted him to know that I wasn't forgetting his big day. I wish I could have done more for him. Chris went to his grave on his lunch break so he could do it during the light. He had birthday lunch with baby Nels. Then after work Chris came to stay with me. They have a special do not disturb sign for patients that I requested so I could have some time alone with Chris. Chris needed to get out some of his feelings and cry a bit. He didn't have the same release of emotions that I had the night before. Then Chris spent the night with me. I think it would have been much harder alone.

I wish that Baby Asher would have been here to brighten our days and make our hearts whole on Nels's day. But he is still cooking... amazing but true. If my body worked normally he would have been here and we could have told him all about how brave his big brother was and how hard he fought for his life.

Nels will always be a treasure to Chris and I. He was the most beautiful thing we ever had the privilege to be a part of. He was our miracle baby boy. He was our first to be born. He hold our hearts tightly. Some day we will get to see him again... hug him and tell him how much we loved him and missed him.

We hope you had a great birthday Baby Nels and that the angels rejoiced with you on your big day.

34 weeks and still pregnant

2009-11-04T07:09:00.001-08:00

Today Asher reached the 34 weeks mark. Yay for Asher! Good job buddy! I actually can't believe that he has stayed in this long with all that he has gone through. First the SCH, then the preeclampsia, next the swine flu and lastly these endless contractions. It has been a bit of a rough road for him but he has done really well.

As for me, I am a bit tired of the contractions and ready for Asher to come meet us. Today last year I was in my second day of Labor with baby Nels. I miss him so much. Tomorrow is going to be a very hard day for me to be here. I wish Asher was born already so he won't have to go through my emotional roller coaster the next few days. But that will be up to God and Asher to make that happen.

Lord God, thank you for growing Asher nice and healthy. Thank you for developing all his parts and giving him life. Lord God I ask you now to please let Asher be born. I know you have prepared a way for him and are making everything good. Lord start the birthing process and make it easy for him to come out. Help me emotionally as I remember last year and help me to prepare to have Asher. Open my cervix and show that I am ready to have him. In Jesus name, amen!

Contractions, Contractions, and more contractions. Week 33

2009-10-28T14:21:00.000-07:00

Monday night through about noon Tuesday were the were the worst contractions I have had thus far. They were almost like the contractions I had on the beginning of the second day of labor with baby Nels. I was very much in pain and had trouble breathing because of them.

Then my doctor came by to see me, measure my cervix (which hadn't changed a bit), and gave me the medicine to help stop the contractions. I was in big pain so I was happy for the relief but now the contractions have become more irregular again. The medicine was a one time deal because my BP had gone up from all the prior days contractions. It was high enough that this medicine wouldn't lower it too low.

Today during my monitoring I noticed that the pattern had change back to a pattern closer to a week ago. I am not sure how I feel about that. I want Asher to grow a little more and be happy and healthy when he is born... but at this point... I am wanting him born soon. I know he is big enough now and would be a very healthy baby. What I am concerned about is having hard contractions for the next week and a half to 3 weeks and then not being able to enjoy the birth of my son because I am too exhausted to be present mentally. I want his birth to be wonderful... what mom wouldn't! I know I still have a risk of having to have a c-section but I am still praying for natural.

Today I get to go to a special meeting. It will be with someone who is working on a new nurse transition plan. 4 of the long term patients are going to this meeting to hear the new plan (which won't be implemented until January) and give our in put from a patient prospective on what will work good and what won't. That should be interesting.

After that I am going to attempt to do something kind for someone. We'll see how that works out! :) I am having my husband get something for one of the patients as well that she said she would like to have. Such a nice hubby I have!

I got to meet several patients yesterday at the group meeting. That was nice. I pray that all of them do well and heal quickly and for those with babies who have issues, I pray that the babies will be ok.

I only have 1 more week to go to get to the time that I had baby Nels. I went into labor with Nels starting at week 34 and had him at 34 weeks 2 days. If I had Asher on the same schedule I would end up having him somewhere between next wednesday and next friday. It turns out that next Thursday is baby Nels's 1st birthday in heaven. I wish I could go to his spot and take him a first birthday balloon. But I am stuck here so hopefully Chris will do it for me.

So here is my prayer for right now:

Abba, Heavenly Father, I come to you in the name of your son Jesus and ask for your help in my situation. Lord God please bring the contractions back to a normal pattern and help my body to begin to work correctly so that I will be able to have Asher soon. Lord, help my bodies to produce the hormones it need to so that Asher isn't bumping his head against what my doctor calls my cervix of steel. Lord prepare Asher for the birthing process. Help his lungs to be ready to breath and his body to be ready to eat. Lord God, I ask that you move in miracles and help my placenta to be up a bit so I can have Asher naturally. Lord I pray that he will be happy and healthy when he is born and that I will not be too tired to experience this miracle moment you have provided me with. Lord be with Chris. Keep him healthy so that he can be here during Asher's birth. Keep all illness from him. Lord I ask that you help the women here each with their own problems and burdens. Bless them with babies who not only survive but thrive. In thy name, amen!

Having a bit of a moment :(

2009-10-26T19:12:00.000-07:00

This evening has been a rough one for me. Even though I had a nice visit with my cousin Tara and then with my mom and dad later on in the afternoon. That and getting a couple cards from Sandra were the bright spots of my day.

I have been having between 18 and 20 contractions an hour today. Pretty constant so I started to get a wee bit sore. The constant contractions have pretty much been happening for the last 3 days. My body is getting a bit tired and my mind is a bit tired too.

Early this evening I had a couple contractions that were hard enough to cause me to dry heave. That was bad. All it did was bring up memories of when I had baby Nels. The night before I had him I dry heaved pretty badly. Contractions were different with him though because the eased off and sometimes stopped all together. That is why I had to have Pitocin with him on the second day.

My doctor told me on Friday that my body was just one of those bodies that contracted a lot and that I shouldn't expect to have Asher until later on. She says my cervix is a cervix of steal. Honestly, I don't think I can handle weeks of this. My body is already tired... what will weeks do? Plus what is it doing to poor little Asher being squished and un-squished constantly.

This morning when the doctors came around I was getting out of the shower. They told me they would come back... but didn't. Evidently they decided on their own that they didn't need to monitor Asher twice a day anymore. This makes me nervous... contractions are getting worse... so less monitoring? UggggHHHHH! So frustrating. It gave me such peace hearing him at night. But it won't happen tonight. :( It make me kind of sad and kind of a little afraid of what could happen to Asher in the mean time. I didn't see a doctor all day today. I guess they are resigned to me being a chronically contracting person and aren't really concerned about Asher being born early.

I had a dream about that a couple days ago. Contractions were ignored long enough that I called Chris at work and told him I was having that day and he should come. In my dream he came and went over to the labor and delivery side. He was waiting over there in an empty room. I was going to walk over there too. As soon as I got close to that hall though I had Asher fall out in my pajamas. I picked him up and carried him to Chris. It was a very odd dream. I don't think that it will happen that way but I am concerned that they won't know when it is really happening. I am not the boy who cried wolf people... I really am having some bad contractions... you can see them on your monitoring... can't fake it!!!!

Ok I guess I should calm down and just try to be at peace at the moment for Asher's sake. I know God is in control and that He won't let me go through this alone and be in pain for weeks. I know also that Asher is grown well and would do fine if born soon so I can be at peace with that but what I don't know is how these contractions are treating him.

Please God keep Asher safe through the contractions and prepare his way quickly. In Jesus name, Amen!

32 week update! :)

2009-10-22T12:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Asher's 32 week ultrasound. Here is the picture we got. I know it isn't a very clear one and it is kind of a smooshed look but this shows Asher with his head on the right. His eyes were open so the are the two black slit looking things. Then his nose was smashed against me and both his hands are fisted up.

Asher is measuring in the upper 50%'s for his age range which is good! He is doing well at growing and is 4.9 lbs.... but the size could vary from 1 to 2 lbs. So he may be a bit smaller. The estimate the weight by measuring their tummy. If the squish it with the ultrasound machine it can expand it causing it to measure bigger. They were pressing down hard to get the measurement so Asher probably is a bit smaller then that.

Since this was a more powerful ultrasound then the last one they were able to see the EIF on his heart again. This was disappointing to hear as I had thought for the past 3 weeks that it was gone... but it is not gone at all. Hopefully it will go away fast.

I had a talk with my doctor today about the results. She said he is doing well and that there is enough fluid. The fluid concerned me because the medication I am on for my BP can cause the fluid to go down. The main concern right now is still the position of the placenta.

My doctor told me that it was still too low and that if Asher needs to be born soon it would have to be a c-section. I hate that idea... because I know that c-sections are worse for babies and are worse for mom's too. In emergency situations I know they are helpful but I do hope that my placenta will move so he can come out naturally.

I also talked to her about how the cervix looked on the ultrasound. She said at this point she would rather go by the finger measurements... which I feel is actually very inaccurate as different people have different sizes of fingers.

My doctor also told me that her plan was to try to keep me pregnant until the 18th of November. I told her I didn't think that Asher was going to go with that plan. She said that some women just contract a lot and that if the cervix doesn't change it is not a problem. She says I have a cervix of steal. Well... I think it is molten steal right now or at least very flexible rubberized steal.

In the picture above the top part is the placenta. As you can see, his head is pushing on the placenta and pushing it toward the cervix which is opened and funneling on the top. As I was talking to one of my nurses about it she said that could be why all the contractions. Him pressing on the placenta could be causing the contractions which makes him press on it more. That is not a good cycle to be in. It could cause placenta tears or abruption. I am praying that the placenta moves far away from his head. That doesn't seem to be happening though as it has barely moved or possibly not moved at all. Last ultrasound it was 1.2 cm away from the cervix and this time it measured 1.6 cm away but the cervix has thinned out so it actually may have moved down rather then up. If something happens to the placenta where I bleed Asher will be born right away.

I have a feeling that Asher will be born in the next couple weeks and not make it to the 18th of November. When my body felt this many contractions with Nels he was born the next day. But I had no fluid so things felt different then this time. I don't think he will be born tomorrow or even in the next couple days but I have a feeling it will be sooner then later.

Though I don't want a c-section, I can't wait to meet my little guy. He is active and a fighter. He has done so well on his monitoring so far. Today though they did note that the pattern on the monitor looked like something was going on with the placenta. (Hopefully it was just Asher pushing on it.) If they see a pattern starting to go bad there he will also have to be born right away.

I was taken out of quarantine today and my doctor is back from her conference so I am ready whenever God and Asher decide it is time. I am so glad to have my door back open and to be able to get visitors again. I hope I will get some soon. :) If they have art class today I will go to that so I can meet some of the other mom's. That would be nice.

Dear Lord God, I thank you for healing me of the flu and getting me out of quarantine before Asher was born. I praise you Lord for what you have done. Lord I ask that you help my placenta to move rapidly so that Asher can be born naturally. Lord I know that you are in control of this situation and that you will not leave me or forsake me. Lord please let Asher come out soon so nothing happens to his placenta that can cause him harm. Do not let him get hurt in this waiting time. Lord as you help the placenta to move, so help the contractions to do their job as well. Please Lord remove the EIF from Asher's heart and help his heart to continue to work the way it should. Lord prepare my body for the birthing process and make it a smooth process for Asher and I. In Jesus name, Amen!

Waiting for results

2009-10-21T15:22:00.000-07:00

I haven't been thinking about writing much in the last week or so. I was highly disappointed last friday when my H1N1 test was positive for a second time. I so much wanted out of quarantine and to see my husband for more then a few minutes.

With the positive test quarantine continues. That has been a challenge but thankfully I have gotten to see a couple people this week. Chris came on the weekend and visited for a few hours dressed up in the hazard suites the nurses and doctors wear. Then mom came today for Asher's ultrasound.

This morning I had my 3rd H1N1 test and I am praying that it will finally show negative. I know that all things are possible with God's help and I am going to patiently wait this time for the answer. It has been taking 2 days due to back ups in the lab that they have to send the test to. I should have the results by 5 pm tomorrow.

The other results I am waiting on today are the results from Asher's ultrasound this morning. I could see a huge difference in the amount of fluid but was told there was plenty there. I also saw that the placenta was still close to the cervix. The only difference there was that there was a baby's head down there and the cervix had definitely started shrinking in length and funneling at the top getting ready for Asher to come out. I have questions for the doctors about that but they haven't come in to give me the review yet. Hopefully soon.

One other good thing about Asher's position is that he is head down and his back is up! Yay!!!! That is the right position to be in Asher! Your such a good boy. Now just wait a couple more weeks and then you can make your grand entrance into the world. 2 tiny requests though baby boy... 1 pick your own day. Your cousin Loeli's birthday is the 30th and your brothers birthday is the 5th so if you could pick a different day then that I would greatly appreciate it! :) 2nd request... please please don't be born on the 31st. Mommy and daddy don't celebrate halloween and wouldn't want you to have to share your big day with that holiday either. We asked your big brother in heaven the same thing... and he skipped that day for us! :) We love you Asher.

God, thank you for Asher and for helping him grow. Lord I ask that you make the swine flu come back negative and that you help me to be able to reach out to other mom's here in the hospital. Lord please keep Asher safe during his birth and help him to be born after my flu results are negative. In Jesus name, Amen!

H1N1 and update

2009-10-13T06:47:00.000-07:00

It has been a week since my last post... mostly because I haven't been feeling that well. On Wednesday night I started coughing. Thursday morning they decided to do a flu test on me. To do the flu test they stick a long q-tip looking thing up your nose as far as they can an into your sinuses.

I had looked up side effects of my medication and coughing was one of them so I was not too worried. I figured it was just the medication. I had no other flu symptoms at all. But in case I did have it my room quickly became a quarantined zone. Only Nurses and doctors with full protection came into my room. My door was shut and I was not allowed to go to art group which I was really looking forward to.

My flu tests results were supposed to come back thursday night. Well they didn't so my door stayed closed. On friday the doctors offered me tamiflu in the morning... but I didn't want to take it unless I needed to take it so I waited for my results. It wasn't until 6:30 friday night that I found out my results. (I hear another shoe falling... get away you darn centipede)

I was told I was H1N1 positive. I had no idea what this meant for me or for the baby so I wanted to talk to the doctors about it. Unfortunately it was a busy night and I was told by the nurse that the doctors just didn't have time to talk to me. That threw me into a panic. I hate having questions that I can't answer myself. I didn't want to wait until the next day. I felt very isolated and very scared.

The next day one of the doctors came in later on during the day and answered my questions. For the most part though I have been in my room by myself since thursday. Not even the food service people will enter my room... in fact at first they wouldn't even knock as they left my tray outside my door. Now at least they knock before they scurry away.

One of the questions I asked the doctor was how long I was contagious. She told me that 48 hours after taking tamiflu I was no longer contagious. Yesterday, however, I was told that since pregnant people have weakened immune systems that they are contagious for a week. So instead of testing me the night I finish my tamiflu they will not be testing me again until Friday. That means I may not get my results until Saturday night or Monday night... missing a second weekend with my husband. I really really really really don't want that to happen.

I don't like being alone, and I don't like my door closed. It is very hard for me. Not seeing or hearing others can be very disturbing. Right now I am waiting for my morning BP to be taken. It was supposed to be taken an hour and 10 minutes ago. I guess being out of sight makes it harder to be remembered. I am not very good at asking for help either though so I guess it may be partly my fault too.

I am supposed to see my doctor some time today... but who knows when. She has clinic today so may actually not want to see me because of the H1N1 and the other patients... even though... I do have a scheduled appointment for today I think at 12:45. Maybe she will come up then? Maybe not? I guess I will just have to see who shows up today.

I had nebulizer treatments a couple days to make it so I could breath easier. They helped me sleep better.... so that i could lay down instead of sitting up. Yesterday I didn't do them and last night I probably could have but didn't really want to put extra medication in myself. Asher has had enough medication I think.

Lord God, please help me to get out of this isolation. Make it so when Asher is born I will be able to be with him and keep him safe. Help him to grow well and to get everything he needs in the days ahead so that when he is born he will be able to do well. Give me your peace in my alone time and keep me company when I am lonely. In Jesus name, amen.

Finally a new picture for you all! :)

2009-10-07T16:39:00.000-07:00

I wanted to take some time today to post the last ultrasound picture taken of Asher a week ago. I know I was going to try and post it sooner but I just wasn't feeling up to it. I fixed the picture up yesterday and decided that now would be a good time to post it.

Today we are in the no news is good news stance with baby Asher. He has been moving all over the place causing a few more contractions but is doing well. My blood pressure seems to be doing good although I feel a little funny today so they are watching me close. Thankfully the doctor took me off the twice a day weighing plan. It was getting a bit discouraging seeing my weight go down every morning and then down more at night...very odd to me. But the weight was probably caused by the high blood pressure and was water... so it is good that it is coming down. That means less to lose after Asher is born. :)

God is keeping us both safe here in the hospital. I am thankful for that. Today I met a woman online who had preeclampsia that wasn't diagnosed until it was too late. I feel so bad for what happened to her. She lost her child at 33 weeks. I couldn't imagine that. It would be so awful. It makes me feel ever so blessed to have the care that I do have this year.

I wish all the women up here in the hospital felt as blessed and were as cooperative with treatment as I am. I have heard too many women complaining about taking their medications or doing simple things like testing their blood sugars in order to keep their babies safe. It seems like the diabetic ones complain the most... but the nurses and doctors are just trying to keep them and their babies safe. Take your meds ladies!!! Keep your babies safe!!!! Don't put them at risk for some carbs!!!! Some moms complain about the monitoring too. That is the best part! You get to hear your babies heart beats and movements. It is wonderful and miraculous! Walls are thin here ladies!!! Ok, I know I need to be nice but come on! I would do anything I have to to keep my precious Asher safe. I am taking my meds.... even though at first I was concerned about them and what they would do to him. I know I have to function right in order to keep him growing safely!

Today is 30 weeks for Baby Asher!!!! That is a miracle!!! He is still inside and growing!!! God is in control and when God wants Asher born he will be. I am waiting on the Lord and will trust in him for Asher!

Am I "waiting for the other shoe to drop"?

2009-10-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

My doctor has said a few time through my pregnancy that I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting.... how many shoes are there? Is there a centipede upstairs? Ok, to get that reference I will have to explain to yhe best of my knowledge what waiting for the other shoe to drop comes from.

Here is what I found when I looked it up:

What does the phrase 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' mean?
It means waiting for something bad to happen which you are expecting.
It comes from a famous music hall joke about a man who is woken by the drunk upstairs dropping his shoe. He can't get back to sleep because he is waiting for the second crash on the ceiling. Eventually he shouts upstairs "For Heavens sake, drop the other shoe!"

So as you can see waiting for just one shoe to drop... doesn't work for me or Asher. If that were true I would have been done with my shoe way earlier in this pregnancy. Misdiagnosed miscarriage, SCH, EIF, placenta close to cervix, PIH, preeclampsia, and contractions. Way too many shoes.

In reality though have I really been waiting for something bad to happen? Do I not trust God enough to be sure that my baby will be born happy and healthy? I know the loss of baby Nels 11 months ago today has effected me greatly. It made me mistrust doctors because they didn't catch his problem soon enough (even though I really do trust my doctors here, because they were the ones who got me my hour with Nels.) It caused me to re-examine my faith and belief in miracles ( although since then I have come to see my hour with Nels as my miracle.) It made me think that at any time a precious miracle could be snatched away. It tore my very heart out and left it in shreds. It made me believe that I had done something to deserve my son being taken away,,,but I know God does not work that way.

So why am I waiting for something more to happen? I know that I should be expecting the best for baby Asher. He will be born happy and healthy. He will come home safely. He will live a long happy life. I will be able to feed him, nurture him and give him everything the Lord has blessed me with. God has protected Asher so far. I have no doubts that God will bring him safely into this world.

So should I wait for yet another shoe? No way! No more shoes! See ya later centipede!

Contractions, time to slow down baby Asher!

2009-10-03T15:32:00.000-07:00

Today they decided to check my cervix because of the contractions I have been having. You see... Asher is a busy moving boy and doesn't like those contractions... so more happen. Last week when I had an ultrasound and my cervix was 6cm long. Extra long! Not normal long! That was good.

Today however my cervix was not only down to 2 but it was also open and dilated to 2 as well. So they gave me some medicine to stop the contractions or calm the uterus. This medicine was working a little so I hope that it will help to keep Asher happy and in me for some time.

I would love for Asher to be able to stay in until the beginning of November... but it is up to God at this point when he wants Asher born. I will do my best to do everything I can to keep him safe and happy inside until that time.

Dear God, I come to you today and thank you for Asher. I thank you that you are working in his life and that you are preparing a place for him here. Lord I ask that you help Asher to stay in and grow as long as he can so he won't have to go to NICU. I want to have him be born happy healthy and whole. Thank you Lord for all you are doing. Amen.

God sure know's what He is doing!

2009-10-02T11:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, my little freak out about the drugs yesterday was not needed nor required. I should have just trusted that God was using the doctors and directing their steps... because I know it has to be a part of His plan.

The doctor who is doing rounds this week is the cardiac OB specialist of the hospital and he is working with my doctor to keep Asher and I safe. When I brought up that I had concerns about this drug he sat down and explained everything to me. He told me all about a study that they had done here on breast feeding and this drug as well. So even though I don't like being on drugs, I now feel that it must be God's will for me to have them. I know God wants the best for me. He doesn't want me or Asher hurt.

Then I talked to my doctor a little bit later. She used the words preeclampsia instead of pregnancy induced hypertension this time. So that gave them reason to keep me here until Asher is born safely. I want him safe. I would to anything to make sure he comes into this world in a safe way and that he will get to come home with us!

Asher is moving a ton today. He even decided that maybe it would be fun to take up residence on mommy's ribs... Yes... on top! Don't ask me how that happened. I just have a really long uterus. The movement brings me some peace... as does knowing that I will be here safe. God, is ultimately in control and His will will be done.

So my prayer focus will be on Asher growing, on maintaining a good BP, and on staying calm and safe in this place for Asher.

Abba, Heavenly Father, I thank you that you always know the plan and that when I feel like things are out of my control, I can come to you and ask for your peace that passes understanding. Lord you are in control. I am a vessel here that you can mold and make in the way you desire. Lord give your directions and I will follow them. I will rest in your presence and wait for the day I can hold my little boy in my arms and dedicate him unto you! In Jesus name, amen!

Day 3 in the hospital the drugs I am on

2009-10-01T21:06:00.000-07:00

Today was Day 3 in the hospital. Asher was very sluggish. He wasn't moving much at all for the most part. His heart rate was doing well though so that is good. I was still on the Labor and Delivery side for most of the day as they had me continue the Magnesium sulfate until 5pm. At one point I was on sugar water with it as well. When you get Magnesium in an IV they give it to you with another liquid so it doesn't burn as much as it would on it's own. The sugar water was added today because I needed to get something to stay in. So I had 3 different IV liquids at that time. They turned down the one that went with the magnesium so that they could give me the sugar water. When it was time to be done with that it accidentally got shut off without adding the one that went with the magnesium again at a higher amount. It immediately began to burn as it went in. Ouch! Thankfully it got fixed fast! The nurses are so great here! I had an ice pack on where it was burning for awhile but then 5 came and I got to take it off completely.

Tonight I was moved over to the Antepartum unit of the hospital. This is the unit where mom's who need help but aren't in labor go. It is so much quieter on this side. In the first room I was in there were several babies born. 3 in one room while I was there to different mom's and 2 in another. Most of them went down to the postpartum room rather quickly. But today there was a little boy crying in the one room next to me for most of the day. It is a beautiful sound in a way... but one that made me very sad at the same time, because my little boy last year didn't get a chance to cry like that. Poor baby Nels was barely able to make any noises at all but each sound that came from him was precious to me.

They came in my room earlier and told me that the orders were changed from constant monitoring of baby Asher to once a day monitoring for 20 minutes. I lost it after the nurse left... and was on the phone with Chris when the doctors came in. They did tell me though that if it made me feel more comfortable to hear Asher more that they could do it more often and just to ask. I would do it all the time if it were up to me so that probably wasn't the best thing to tell me at that moment but it gave me some peace to know that I could here my baby before I go to bed.

I am sorry I didn't get the picture taken of the ultrasound picture yet today. I will have to do that tomorrow. So far as far as I know the plan has not changed passed keeping me for the weekend. That makes me extremely nervous! Handling medication on my own would not only be scary for me but not having Asher monitored but once every other week would be awful. I would be in constant panic. I can't lose this little one. I refused to do that. I don't want to not be able to bring him home. I need this help to keep him safe and to keep myself safe. I couldn't handle losing another baby. It would break me apart completely. I am so scared for baby Asher. I don't want my body to be a hostile place for him. I want it to be a welcoming happy place were he grows safely.

The medication they have put me on now is called Atenolol. It does have risk factors for Asher that I just read about. It is a catagory D drug which is generally not given to pregnant people... only if the risk out weighs the benifits is it given. The risk for Asher is more then I thought it would be and I am going to have to talk with my doctor about it. Here is what I found out about the drug and pregnancy from a medical site

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) uses a category system to classify the possible risks to a fetus when a specific medicine is taken during pregnancy. Atenolol is considered a pregnancy Category D medicine. Pregnancy Category D is given to medicines that have shown clear evidence of risk to the fetus in studies. A pregnancy Category D medicine may still be given to a pregnant woman if the healthcare provider believes that the benefits to the woman outweigh the possible risks to the unborn child.

What Is the Risk of Using Atenolol When Pregnant?
A few of the complications seen with some fetuses or newborns exposed to atenolol near the end of pregnancy include:Low birth weight
Low blood sugar (hypoglycemia)
Slowed heart rate (bradycardia).

Studies suggest that the risk of low birth weight increases with the length of time that atenolol is used (with the largest problems seen when women take atenolol for several weeks or more during pregnancy).Atenolol and Breastfeeding: An Overview
Atenolol (Tenormin®) passes through breast milk in humans. It is a beta blocker medication that is used to lower blood pressure and decrease the heart rate. Atenolol can cause serious problems in a nursing infant. Therefore, you should talk with your healthcare provider before taking it if you are breastfeeding or plan to start.

Can I Take This Medication While Breastfeeding?
In general, taking atenolol while breastfeeding is not recommended. The drug accumulates in breast milk, and a nursing infant can receive a significant portion of the atenolol dose. Problems such as a dangerously slow heart rate, low blood pressure, and low blood sugar may occur. Blue skin (caused by problems with the heart and oxygen) has also occurred.

Talking With Your Healthcare Provider
You should talk with your healthcare provider about breastfeeding and Each woman's situation is different, and you and your healthcare provider understand your situation best. After considering what you want and expect, as well as your current health situation, the two of you can make a shared decision that is right for you.

No, this is not acceptable. I can't do this to my baby! I won't put him through any more pain! I don't know what to do! I need to talk to my doctor about this because I really hope there is a better answer. I don't want harm to come to me or Asher... but I will not put his life and his food source later at risk. God, please help me find a better way. I wish my doctor was here now but she won't be here until tomorrow. I can't be taking this drug through out the rest of the pregnancy. Good... my blood pressure is down now.... bad this drug can harm my baby. The FDA rates the safety of drugs for pregnant women in categories. Atenolol is catagory D the one right before never take. Here is how the categories go

Category A

Controlled studies in women fail to demonstrate a risk to the fetus in the first trimester (and there is no evidence of a risk in later trimesters), and the possibility of fetal harm appears remote.

Category B

Either animal-reproduction studies have not demonstrated a fetal risk but there are no controlled studies in pregnant women, or animal-reproduction studies have shown an adverse effect (other than a decrease in fertility) that was not confirmed in controlled studies in women in the first trimester (and there is no evidence of a risk in later trimesters).
Category C

Either studies in animals have revealed adverse effects on the fetus (teratogenic or embryocidal or other) and there are no controlled studies in women, or studies in women and animals are not available. Drugs should be given only if the potential benefit justifies the potential risk to the fetus.
Category D

There is positive evidence of human fetal risk, but the benefits from use in pregnant women may be acceptable despite the risk (e.g., if the drug is needed in a life-threatening situation or for a serious disease for which safer drugs cannot be used or are ineffective).
Category X

Studies in animals or human beings have demonstrated fetal abnormalities, or there is evidence of fetal risk based on human experience or both, and the risk of the use of the drug in pregnant women clearly outweighs any possible benefit. The drug is contraindicated in women who are or may become pregnant.

Why can't they give me something from A or B? Asher is my one chance to do this right... now I feel like I just screwed that up by blindly taking medications that could hurt him. God please for give me and protect my baby. There has to be something else that can be done... there just has to be! I will glady sit chained to my bed for the rest of the time... I will take anything that won't hurt him... but please please please... there has to be something else.

In the Hospital with Baby Asher!

2009-10-01T06:32:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, at my follow up appointment for all my tests I had a blood pressure of 177/109. This was way too high! Not good for me and not good for the baby. The first thing they did was try to see what was causing the high blood pressure by doing an ultrasound of my heart called an Ultracom.

An Ultracom is a heart diagnostic procedure that was actually developed in 1979 at the University of Washington where it was done. Basically what they do is take an ultrasound receiver and place it on the heart to look at the blood flow and the dilation of the blood vessels. The start with looking at the heart measurements on what looks like radio frequencies rather then a picture of the heart. Once these measurements are taken the take a measurement of the blood flow from the artery in your neck. This is the most uncomfortable part of the test by in most parts is completely painless and is noninvasive. There are two ways blood pressure can be made.... by out put and by tightening. When they did my Ultracom both ways were effected.

So with the results of the Ultracom I was checked in upstairs at the hospital. I was immediately put on 3 blood pressure medications and Magnesium Sulfate. The Magnesium does many different things. It works to help protect the mom and the baby from stroke, it can help protect the baby from brain damage, it relaxes muscles, lowers blood pressure (for some) and helps stop preterm labor. It has the nasty side effects of:"Flushing, Nausea, Vomiting, Palpitations, Headache, General muscle weakness, Lethargy, & Constipation" but for me it is like a over all heating of my arm where the IV is, nausea, & headache. It really is not that bad compared to how some people feel on it.

Yesterday I was only given one of the BP medications as my BP had been in normal range since they brought it down rapidly the night before. In the afternoon I was taken off the clear liquid diet but lost part of the meal I ate. I don't really feel hungry but the nurse said this morning that I was needing to get something in so we are trying to do a very mild meal... cream of rice with honey and peanut butter and a bannana. I am hoping that will stay down as I slowly eat it while blogging.

I was told yesterday that I would be here in the hospital at least through this weekend. I am still going under the assumption that this is just PIH (pregnancy induced hypertension) and not the preeclampsia because they haven't told me anything really different. They did say though that this last pee test did have some protein in it which is a sign of preeclampsia. I guess I will learn more later. I will be getting off the magnesium by 3 today. When I get off the magnesium they will have to evaluate if I need more medication or not for the blood pressure and what I need to do to keep myself and Asher safe. I am praying that they will keep monitoring Asher until he is born. He needs to be born safe and happy and that would be the best way for this to happen.

I had another Ultracom yesterday for my heart and then I had an Ultrasound for Asher. Today I found out that he is 3 lbs just right for his age not big not small. That was good to find out he has been growing ok. The placenta is only 1.2 cm from the cervix now. I think that is a change of .2 not enough to make a difference yet but we should have more time before he is born, depending on my BP. I have a new ultrasound picture from yesterday that I will post later. I need to be able to take a picture of it to put it online.

Dear God, thank you for getting Asher and I the help we need. Thank you for put us in the hospital where they can make sure that Asher is doing well. Lord I ask that you continue to help Asher and I to do well in this way and to get the care we need. Lord I give this time in the hospital to you and ask that you work in Asher in this time to help him grow and be born healthy. Please have them keep us under watchful eye and do not let anything happen to baby Asher. I pray Lord that you will make it so I will be able to take home a happy healthy baby boy. In Jesus name, amen!

Finally something good! :)

2009-09-25T18:44:00.000-07:00

Today was the day I turned in my 12 hour test and did my 3 hour glucose test. Chris and I speant the morning at UW medical center doing blood tests and walking around the area. Since I had a blood test every hour it was important for me to stay close so we mostly walked across to the ship canal and went to the sculpture area near the surgery pavilion.

When I arrived I started out getting my first blood draw. This one was for the 12 pee test though... and one to base my glucose test off of. Then I got poked an additional 3 times in 3 hours. Chris had fun taking pictures of me and all my pokes. So I posed for him.

After all the tests we went out to lunch at one of our favorite gluten free places in Seattle. Getting up peeing all night made me really tired so we decided to go home after stopping at the gluten free bakery for Lemon bars and head home for a nap.

When I woke up from my nap at 3 I called in for my results. I got no response. So an hour later I called again... still no response. I was getting frustrated and worried. Chris said just to stay laying down to help lower my BP. So I followed his directions. I called again at 10 minutes until the office called and finally they gave me someone to talk to. The nurse said that I passed all of the glucose tests... all 4 blood tests were fine. Yay! Praise God! I passed something!

Then I asked about the 12 hour test. It was less clear. The blood part of the 12 hour test was fine. They said that the blood creatinine was normal. There was no protein in the urine, which is a good thing but there was increased creatinine in the urine. The nurse was not sure what this meant. So I looked online and really could figure out what she was talking about from that.

Then the second nurse called back.... after hours. Since I had already gotten the results I asked her more specifically about the pee test. She assumed that I was on BP meds already. Which I am not. She said that since there was no protein that was good, and that the blood creatinine showed that the kidneys were working. She said though that the urine creatinine was at an elevated level but that this didn't show kidney damage.

So basically I still don't know the total out come of the 12 hour test... just that I will probably be on medication starting after next tuesday.

My blood pressure was still up tonight when I took it, but it was better then last night. That is good! Maybe everything will just start going right now. Maybe I passed a bigger test then just these medical tests.

Thank you God for helping me to pass the glucose test today. Please keep baby Asher safe and keep me safe too. Lord help the doctors to know what is going on with me and to treat me and Asher the best way possible. In Jesus name amen!

When it rains it pours!

2009-09-24T15:40:00.000-07:00

It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring? AAAAAAHHHHHH! Ok so I thought that I passed the glucose test based on the email I got saying that my labs were good so far. I guess I was wrong!!! Wrong, Wrong, Wrong!!!!

I barely failed it again. Just like with Nels... 148. The cut off is 140. What to they expect when they give a woman an artificial sugar filled, chemical laden drink.. who doesn't eat chemicals or preservatives... and who is on a lower carb diet? Ahhhhhhh! That just frustrates me so much! So now I get to go into the hospital for 3 hours tomorrow to take another glucose test. Which I easily passed with Nels... Hopefully will pass it with Asher as well. I don't think I could handle adding another stressor to my already high BP.

I think this test is so bogus!!!! It is a fake situation. Who would eat ten candy bars worth of sugar in less then 5 minutes. Come on! That is ridiculous! I can see how it may help them identify people with big problems but really... I am sick of the poking and prodding and I was hoping to avoid this one this time.

I am doing my 12 hour pee test tonight as well for the blood pressure to make sure it is PIH (pregnancy induced hypertension) and not preeclampsia. I was planning on doing it from 9pm tonight until 9am tomorrow. Well my 3 hour test begins at 8:30 in the morning. In order to get there during rush hour I would need to be done with my pee test by 6 am. So that means from 6pm to 6am I have to collect urine and refrigerate it.

That doesn't sound that hard... except for the fact that we are supposed to go out to dinner tonight with the in-laws who are up from Oregon stopping by on their way to Canada this weekend. So in order to start the pee test on time... I will have to hold it while we are out. My stress right now is through the roof. I can just imagine that my BP is too.

I know I need to calm down and trust that God is doing what is best for Asher and I. I even think that God had this planned. My husband has tomorrow off of work. He has had it scheduled off of work since the end of November last year. Coincidence... I don't think so. He picked this random Friday in September to have off. There have been a few times this year when he has almost changed it, but for some reason never did. So now he gets to go to the hospital with me.

What is really scaring me right now is that I had the 3 hour glucose test with Nels on the same day of the week last year. It was on Friday. Two days before I ended up in the hospital for 39 days with Nels. The only difference is the actual date is one day earlier. I am afraid of last year repeating itself.

On Sunday I am supposed to go on the walk for Fetal Hope in Kirkland. I felt like it was important to honor baby Nels on that day because it will be the same day of the week that I ended up in the hospital with him last year. I just pray that I will still get to do it.

There is a difference this year. I don't have an ultrasound scheduled for Sunday.... and that is what ultimately landed me in the hospital that day. It just seems too much like a repeat of last year. Living it over is not fun.

Asher please hang in there. Mommy is trying to lower the blood pressure. Breath Kristin, Breath.

I know that with God it will turn out alright what ever happens tomorrow and this weekend. I know that God is the author and perfecter of life and that he is protecting little Asher even now as I sit here with my eye watering and fear building. I also know fear is not of God. I should not fear... but stand in faith and come prayerfully before the thrown of God. I could just use a little break though.

I am not a bad person. I do my best to help others. I try to take care of myself and my baby the best that I can. It just seems like I am hitting another road block. I know the test isn't that bad. I did do it last year. It is just that it is happening at the same time that is hitting me so hard. Please God give me strength. Keep me safe and above all keep my little boy safe. He doesn't deserve to have to go through any more yucky stuff.

4:30 wake up call a note to Asher

2009-09-24T04:47:00.000-07:00

Good morning Asher! Not so sure why you wanted me up this early this morning but I figured it would be a good idea for me to give a report on you while I was up.

After going to the doctor on Tuesday, wednesday was a little scary. In the morning my BP was up further... passed the cut of line for hypertension. So I decided to take it easy all day and just keep track of everything you did and everything I felt.

I listened to your heart beat twice yesterday to check on you. It was a little slower then before but still mostly in the normal range. Keep your heart going good little Asher. Mommy will try to get her heart working better too!

I kept track of contractions as well. Thankfully there were no times when there were 6 in an hour. In fact I think the most was 3. I am having one now though just sitting here drinking my water.

Last night when daddy took me to get my blood pressure taken he did his first. Daddy's blood pressure was fine... so we know that the machine was working. Then mommy took hers and it was up even more. The top # didn't change too much from the morning but the bottom one went up to 99. That's not good sweetie. Mommy needs to fix this fast so you can stay in and grow happy and healthy.

I love you Asher and I want you to be a good boy and keep growing. I have asked Jesus to keep a hedge of protection around you and to keep you safe. Daddy is keeping an eye on mommy and promised to make sure she gets help if she gets a head ache or sees flashes like the doctor said.

I will take my blood pressure again this morning later on when the rite aid opens. Mommy's hands and feet aren't puffy though so that is good. Just a wee bit of heartburn going on making it hard to drink the water right now. But I am doing it for you little guy!

My greatest fear is that I will miss a something and not go in to get help when I need to. I would hate for anything to happen because I am not aware. So I am doing some extra research today and I am going to take that 12 hour pee test the doctor wants me to take tonight.

The doctor said that the glucose labs came back normal! Praise God. No three hour test for you little one! That is good new huh! Mommy can't keep that orange stuff down anyways... it is so unnatural to drink that much sugar.

So for now little guy, you keep being good and mommy will do her best to be good too! I think mommy needs to finish her water and go lay back down for awhile .... even though your awake and kicking.... because now there have been two contractions just sitting here in the last 15 minutes. I have to take care of you by laying low little one.

I love you Asher, I can't wait to see you and hold you in my arms! But please wait a little while longer... you need to bake some more!

Asher is doing well, but now something else?

2009-09-22T15:47:00.000-07:00

Today was my 28 week check up for Asher. I went in to do the dreaded glucola test and then found out that my blood pressure was elevated causing some concern for preeclampsia.

With Nels my BP stayed fine the whole time. Today it was on the border line so the doctor ordered some more blood tests other then the glucola test that went with the drinking of the nasty orange stuff. Plus, I get to fill a huge jug with pee doing a 12 hour test before next week's appointment.

Yes, that's right, instead of 2 weeks. I am going in next week. My doctor was going to put me on medication right away but decided just to see me next week and see how the blood tests turned out. After that is should be back to two weeks for at least a couple times.

I personally am more stressed about the stupid glucola test then the BP tests. Last year with Nels I failed the one hour one and then had to do the 3 hour one. This year I am hoping I pass the one hour one so I don't have to do the 3 hour one. Yucky!!!

Preeclampsia is very serious though so I know I have to watch it closely! My friend Mariah that I met in the hospital last year was admitted for blood pressure issues, so I might ask her about some of this if it gets to the point where they put me on medication.

My doctor did do a quick ultrasound of Asher... but I have no pictures... mostly just saw the top of his head... his heart... his spine and all the fluid around him. She said that the fluid was normal. Also that the cervix was still plenty long. She couldn't see exactly where the placenta was going to but to me it did not look like it had moved. She is going to order a fancier ultrasound for 34 weeks... but that is a long time away from now.

Who knows what will happen between now and then.

I should know more next tuesday about all the other results. I am positive that if the glucola test is bad that they will call me before then. In the mean time my orders were to come in if I have any flashes of light in my vision or 6 or more contractions in an hour. I haven't been put back on bed rest yet so that is good.

I am going to begin to monitor Asher more with the doppler too. I need to make sure that his heart rate stays good and that he doesn't have any problems because of what my body is doing.

He is so precious to us. I just don't want anything to happen to him. I want him to be born the best way he can be.

Oh, one fun side note. I almost passed out during the ultrasound... it seems that Asher had gotten into a position that actually blocked the blood vessel like Nels used to... but when I rolled on my side he move over and stuck his bum in the air. So when I rolled back his little rear was sticking up high in the middle of my tummy. It looked very odd. Wish I had a picture of it.

I had lots of questions to ask the doctor today about the placenta, contractions and the EIF but didn't have questions about preeclampsia stuff. Now I am going to have to write down the questions I have about that and the risks to Asher and myself. At least I only have a week to wait and then will be able to ask more questions. This time though I am going to write them down better. There was one question that I forgot to ask. Baby Asher's heart rate went down when I had the doppler on during a contraction a few days ago. I want to check as see if it had gone down too far or if it was causing him stress.

I think I will get a little book to write down all my questions in tonight. My doctor kept asking if I had questions but I kept blanking out. Hopefully I won't do that next week with my questions in hand.

God, I thank you that Asher is doing well and has enough fluid from what we could see on the ultrasound today. I thank you that he is growing well and doing well. Lord please keep him safe in the weeks and days to come and please help him to be born when he needs to be. In Jesus name, amen!

My insurance nurse was overreacting!

2009-09-15T12:46:00.000-07:00

Last night I got a call from my insurance nurse who has been checking up with me through out this pregnancy. She asked all the normal questions and then asked about contractions.

I told her that I had been having some irregular contractions like braxton hick ones for the last couple weeks. She kind of freaked out. She told me that braxton hicks shouldn't start until 36 weeks and anytime I have a contraction I should drink lots of water and lay down. She said that at this stage they would be considered regular contractions not braxton hicks.

I don't know that she has it right. I thought that if they were not time-able and were just one every once in awhile that it was just your body's way of preparing. So I did some more research. What I found said that they could start earlier then 36 weeks but if you got more then 4 in an hour that they were regular ones and to contact the doctor.

So not having more then 4 hour at any given time... at least I don't think so... I think I am ok to go with the fact that they are probably the hick kind.

The nurse wanted me to call the doctor right away when I had one. I am not so sure that my doctors office would appreciate a call about one contraction. My next appointment is a week from today... so I will just wait and talk to my doctor about it then. I am not too concerned. I did have contractions from 29 weeks on off and on with Nels. Some were barely contractions... but since I was on a monitor I got to see what they were better.

Maybe because of that I am more aware of what is going on then most. I guess I could be overly sensitive to knowing when there is a contraction. I am sure others have them too and don't have early babies.

Asher is 26 weeks today! :)

2009-09-09T11:01:00.000-07:00

Wow, 26 weeks! Praise God! It has been a journey to get here but I am glad that Asher is still moving, growing and being good.

This week I have experienced some braxton hick contractions. I know this is a totally normal thing so I am not concerned but it is totally different then with baby Nels. With Nels I really didn't feel the contractions much until the second day of labor. With Asher though... he is already starting those practice contractions.

There are two other big differences with this pregnancy as well... one being that I am blowing up like a balloon and the other is Asher's movement.

I know that there is fluid around Asher and that could be accounting for some of the weight difference but I also think that since I have been really careful that I am gaining a bit too much weight. I haven't been lift things or exercising regularly like I did with Nels. I know that it is important for Asher's sake that I take it easy, but enough is enough. I can't gain any more! I am putting myself of gain restriction!!!! My doctor hasn't said anything but I know that it is starting to effect me. I am on target for normal people weight gain... but since I was up a little from the clomid the few cycles before I feel like I need to be in the smaller gain group.

With that in mind I am going to start doing more walks around the neighborhood. I took Honey for a short walk today and will go on another walk with my husband as soon as he gets home or maybe I should wait until after dinner? Plus I have to get ready for the 5k walk we are doing for Fetal hope on the 27th. I don't want to have to waddle in last there. I guess that is my competitive side that would rather be running the race then walking it... but no running allowed! I know that would not be so good at this point.

Some one asked my mom if I was eating enough for two. Oh my, if I ate enough for two I would be twice as big right now. They actually suggest only a 200 calorie difference is needed for pregnant women... not eating twice as much. I have added healthy snacks and I am trying to get better at avoiding my cravings.

Last week at the fair we got a vitamix blender so that we would be able to make our own baby food. So in order to practice that I have begun to make juices, frozen yogurts, and soups with it. I even made some organic strawberry ices cream for my niece. She loved it and it was healthy too! Just frozen strawberries, a cup of low fat milk, a couple squirts of agave nectar and some vanilla. Yummy. That made about 4 serving sizes and was enjoyed by many.... including a little for Asher! Today he got some carrot apple juice for breakfast. The nice thing about the vitamix is that it uses all the fruit and veggie so it retains all the fiber which is great for Asher... and for me too. It does make an extremely thick juice though.

Asher is a mover! I think because he has fluid I can feel him so much more then Nels. He moves a lot. I used to do the kick count thing with Nels and it would take a long time to get up to the required 10... which at the time I thought was supposed to be the daily total... not the total of a 2 hour period. Asher definitely has no kick problems at this point. In fact at times I have counted 10 kicks in as little as 5 minutes. He does sleep at night now though. I read that they can tell the difference between light and dark at 26 weeks. I have noticed that Asher is much more active in the day then at night. He was bouncing off the womb this morning.

It makes me happy when he moves because then I know he is ok. Thank you Lord for the movement! I do have a tendency to poke at Asher during the night when I wake up though if he is not moving. I get concerned about how I am laying and if it is effecting him or not. I do have a special pillow though that is supposed to keep me in the right position for him, but it doesn't always work.

The sunshine just peaked out from behind the clouds and guess what? Asher kicked. I guess there is something to the fact that he can tell the difference between light and dark. That is pretty cool.

The next appointment for Asher isn't until the 22nd. I think I may have to take one of those glucose tolerance tests that day as it will be my 28th week. I am not looking forward to that. With Nels I had to take the long test... because I was low on the carb scale the week I took the test. This time I am going to be prepared hopefully and not have to do the 3 hour test.

Hopefully we will find out more about what way the placenta is going too. I hope that it is going up but I know that if it is not and that it is going down still that they will still be able to get Asher out... just not the natural way. I would prefer natural though... that is for sure! After the next appointment my appointments will be closer together which will be nice. Less stress for me means less stress for Asher.

Lord God, I thank you for getting Asher to 26 weeks. I thank you for each day with him! Lord I pray that you will prepare him and me for his birth sometime in November. Lord I know that you are the author and perfecter of life and that you have Asher in your hands. Lord lead me and guide me so that I may do what is best for Asher and help him grow strong and healthy. Lord help me to feed him what he need nutritionally and help me to keep him safe as he grows inside. Lord I ask that you help me to not gain anymore weight as I feel overly weighed down and yet still help Asher to keep growing. I know that with you all things are possible! Thank you Lord for working in our lives and thank you so much for this blessing of life! In Jesus name, amen!

I just reread my tag line.

2009-09-02T12:42:00.000-07:00

Today I was going to write about how much I have been missing baby Nels this last week but after reading my tag line I decided I needed to write about something else.

THIS BLOG IS ABOUT THE AMAZING GRACE THAT GOD HAS GIVEN US AND THE MIRACLES HE HAS PREFORMED IN THIS PREGNANCY. WE PRAISE GOD FOR WHAT HE IS DOING IN OUR LIVES AND PRAY THAT THIS PREGNANCY CONTINUES!

This statement has been on the top of our blog for as long as we have had it. It was by God's grace that we were able to conceive our precious baby Asher and baby B. It was by God's grace that when we lost baby B that Asher held on and has grown. It was by God's grace that despite the calcium spot on Asher's heart it does not seem to be causing him any harm.

With all the overwhelming emotions I have gone through lately I have forgotten to remember that each day with Asher is a blessing and a miracle. I know that I need to praise God more for the little miracles!

God has blessed us greatly! Asher moves way more then his older brother Nels ever did. He moves several times a day which brings me peace. It is especially a blessing that if I poke him he will poke back. I have heard that that doesn't always happen. Some baby's don't mind the bumps of the day... but my pokes a pleas make Asher move. It helps me feel safer and gives me more and more hope for Asher.

Lord God, I praise you right now for Asher. I thank you for the miracle you preformed keeping him inside and growing him past the 24 week viability time. Lord, I bless you and praise you for each movement that Asher has. God you have given us so much! Thank you for blessing us with this time with Asher. We give you all the glory and ask that you continue to lead and guide our steps as we get closer to his time of birth. In Jesus name, amen!

News from my doctor

2009-08-31T14:02:00.000-07:00

As I wrote last week I had emailed my doctor to ask questions about the placenta being so close to the cervix.

I asked her about the risk of the placenta coming out first. She said that since it is not over the cervix that it would come out first. This eased my mind a little about Asher's chances of being born alive. If it doesn't come out first then he should be just fine.

Then I asked about the possibility of it tearing and bleeding and that causing harm to Asher. Many of the things I had read about the low lying placenta was that if you bend wrong or pick something heavy up you could tear. With the earlier bleeding in my pregnancy and the bed rest time because of the SCH I was very concerned that more bleeding could happen. I don't want anything to happen to Asher especially if I can prevent it. She promised me that my low lying placenta would not cause harm to Asher. She didn't tell me not to do anything but I know she knows I have been very careful since the SCH.

I also asked about the placenta's movement. I asked if it would move in the right direction since it seems to have moved in the wrong direction. She said that as the uterus gets bigger with the baby that the placenta should move up with it. I really hope so. My body doesn't seem to be cooperating correctly though. I have heard so many stories of it actually going down more rather then up. I am still not sure what to think about that.

So for now I am just going to try to limit lifting more and try not to stress too much. If I feel off I will go back to couch time and will try to rest. I know that is what is best for Asher. I wish I was able to run and dance and go out more with Asher the way I was able to with Nels. Nels got to do so many things inside me. I pray that Asher will be able to do some of those things outside of me. I want him to have a good life surrounded by love and filled with God's blessings.

Dear Lord, I once again give Asher and this situation over to you. I know that no matter which direction the placenta goes that Asher is in your hands and protected by your love. I pray that you will lead and guide me and help me to do what is best for Asher in this time. You have given me such a blessing to be able to carry another precious little one on the inside. I pray that Asher will get to spend lots of time with us on the outside and that he will grow up to be a man after your heart. In Jesus name, amen!

What else?

2009-08-25T21:59:00.000-07:00

Today during our 24 week ultrasound we got some more news that threw us off. Asher still has the EIF on his heart. It is very visible on the ultrasound pictures. I had them take a picture of it for Chris so that he would be able to see what I was talking about.

The ultrasound tech told us that most of the time, even if there was something bad going on, that the EIF will disappear before birth and that it does not effect the function of the heart. My doctor reassured me that it wasn't a problem and that Asher was doing really well.

He is now measuring right on schedule again. Everything measuring right for his age. That is good as well! What is concerning now is that the placenta is only 1 centimeter from my cervical Os... the whole where the baby will come out.

I would have asked my doctor more about it had she not been on call today. She got paged for an emergency right at the beginning of the appointment so not many questions were asked today. She did tell me though that baby Asher was at the viable stage now. What that means is if for some reason he had to be born right away he has a very good likelihood of survival now.

We did get some better profile pictures this time and Asher is now head down which is good too. He followed his mommies directions and turned over. Good job Asher! You are a smart little one! :)

So tonight I emailed some questions to my doctor. I had done some reading about the placenta being close to the cervix and it can cause some pretty major complications. Bleeding and survival issues for the baby as well as the mom. I hope that she will have time to answer my questions some time before my next appointment which isn't until the end of September.

One thing that it said on the internet was that if the placenta is too close and comes out before the baby then the baby will not make it. I hate thinking about that. I don't want to loss another little boy. I don't think I could handle that. I know God is ultimately in control but I keep getting more and more news that is scary.

Please God help my placenta move up quickly so that Asher won't be in danger! Fill me with your peace that passes understanding and help me to focus on what you want me to be doing right now in your service. In Jesus name Amen!

Two weeks since the last blog sorry!

2009-08-19T08:37:00.000-07:00

Wow... times flies when you are moving! For the last two weeks we have been busy getting ready to move... signing papers... fixing last minute things... then moving and unpacking. I had been so stressed about all the closing stuff and all the moving stuff that I didn't have time to go to the library and write in the blog. I feel bad about that.

So much has been going on! We moved our things into our house last weekend. Since then I have been unpacking and organizing. Then our house finally closed and we got our keys yesterday. Also we got our internet service yesterday! Praise God! Now we will be able to get some more work done online! That is so good!

A month with no regular internet was starting to drive me nuts. Now I can take some time and get all caught up! Next up... 23 week update on Asher!

Asher at 21 weeks news of an EIF

2009-08-06T08:18:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday we had the 21 week ultrasound for Asher. The first thing they took pictures of was his heart... then his head... then back to his heart. They told me that his heart rate was 154. Next they looked at his kidneys and bladder and said that they looked healthy. They then showed me his boy parts once again to prove to me he was who we named him. I didn’t really see the parts in the last ultrasound. I was too upset to look.

After that they went back to his heart. I figured they were just looking at different parts of the heart at first... but with more and more pictures taken of the heart I began to be concerned. My mom asked if the heart looked ok. The ultrasound tech said yes it looks fine and then went on to measure his legs and his belly.

Then as always the ultrasound tech went out to talk to the radiologist about the pictures to make sure they are all what they needed and that the pictures are good. Well, when she came back in she said she needed more pictures. I asked her also to take some pictures for Chris because she hadn’t given me any or taken any cute pictures of Asher.

So when she began again she went straight to the heart again. I knew in my spirit that something was wrong and that there was something in the heart that they were looking at even though they wouldn’t say anything about it. My heart sank. So my Asher’s kidneys and bladder looked good but something is wrong in his heart... why are my little boys under attack. What is wrong this time?

When I got in my doctors office for the doctor’s visit after the ultrasound she said the baby looked good and that he was doing good. I then asked about his heart. My doctor said she didn’t want to tell me about it and have me worry but since I asked she told me that Asher has an Echocentric Intracardiac Focus.

EIF is normally associated with an increased risk for Downs Syndrome and Trisomy 18. It however can be associated with other genetic disorders as well.

My Doctor told me that since I had the integrated screening earlier that tests for genetic disorders that this EIF is just like a genetic marker no different then having blue eyes. I of course was not satisfied with this answer and wanted to research more... but with lack of internet I knew that it would take a while and I wouldn’t be able to do it until the next day. So I went to the library Wednesday to look up EIF online.

I wasn’t able to do in-depth research yet but from what I have found Downs Syndrome is not the only thing at EIF is a marker for but it is a major one for Downs. But there needs to be more markers to make it a diagnosis.

My doctor went over my integrated blood screen with me to show me that it wasn’t very likely that Asher would have Downs. She told me at my age chances are 1 in 100 for Downs. Then She told me that my blood tests gave me the results of 1 in 7000 but that the EIF made it down to a 1 in 6500 chance.

1 in 6500 doesn’t seem like a very big chance to most people I am sure... especially compared with my age risk factor which was 1 in 100. To me though it is a very scary thought. When we found out that baby Nels had PUV that was a 1 in 8000 chance. 1 in 8000 is bigger then 1 in 6500.

Then my doctor told me that there needs to be other markers for it to mean anything. She said my blood tests would have been different and that they would be looking for slow growth in the baby. Short arms and legs. This is one area that makes me feel a little better. Asher’s leg measurements were almost 2 weeks ahead! My doctor told me that he’s a tall boy. Long legs! Grow Asher Grow! Although they will be keeping an eye on his measurements for me. So now not only will they be doing close looks at the Kidneys and bladder to make sure he doesn’t get PUV but they will be also be looking at his heart to make sure nothing goes wrong there.

I know that we really need to trust in God on this and pray that Asher’s heart will heal and that the EIF will go away. I did some reading that said that EIF’s could go away by the third trimester. My next ultrasound isn’t for 4 weeks. That is a long time for me to wait. I know that I will be busy during those weeks getting our home ready for Asher so I think that will help... but I really wish there was something that can be done sooner.

They keep telling me that to really measure growth well you have to wait four weeks. So this time 4 weeks is what we got. My doctor said that if there was any problems that I could always come in before then. I am praying for no problems.

Lord God, I come to you in the name of Yeshua, Jesus Christ your son and ask for you to do a mighty work in baby Asher’s life. Lord I ask that you heal him and set him free from the EIF. Lord Please make the calcium deposit disappear and make his heart strong and healthy. Give him a healthy life filled with your grace, mercy and love Lord. Help him to grow up to be a man who worships and praises you. In Jesus name, Amen!

Lost without my internet!

2009-08-03T18:27:00.000-07:00

I am missing out on sharing very much about Asher or helping others because I have only had internet every once and awhile during this whole moving process! I am completely frustrated about that because I found out that someone joined our PUV group and it took me 2 weeks to get back to them. I feel so bad about that! It is just awful to me. I like to be on top of things and it is my desire to help others who are experiencing PUV pregnancies... but without the internet it has made it very hard to support others from long distance.

I found out today that it is going to be a whole extra week until our house is done. Uggghhhhh! That is so frustrating. That keeps me without internet for another 2 weeks except when I go to the Library or borrow my brothers. Right now I am in the Library. Although it is quite here it is hard to concentrate on my writing when people are walking around me. I am praying that they just exaggerated and that the house may be done a bit sooner. That would be wonderful! I could really use a boost!

Asher is doing well as far as I know. I haven't felt him much because of the placenta position but I do feel him at times when I least expect it. I keep checking him with my doppler every couple days though to make sure his heart rate is going good and to make sure he is moving around. Yesterday when I checked on him his heart rate was 152 and he had the hiccups. Poor little guy... but it is good that he had the hiccups because that shows he is using his lungs and building them up. Although his big brother was the king of hiccups and his lungs did not get big enough.

Tomorrow is our next ultrasound. It is a repeat anatomy ultrasound to check and make sure he doesn't have PUV like Nels did. I am praying so hard that he will be born healthy. It is hard though because I keep thinking about how healthy and how good they told me Nels was doing up until 28 weeks. Wednesday will be 21 weeks for Asher. I don't know how I am supposed to stop being concerned about the chances of PUV. I know that my doctor doesn't want me to worry about it at this time but what happened last year was so hard on us that it has left us a bit weary.

Well I guess I should go now... as I am at the Library. I will try to get back in later this week with new pictures of Asher.

Lord God, please be with me tomorrow as I go to my appointment. Lead and guide the doctor and the ultrasound technician. Help them to see everything they should see and help the appointments go well. Please make sure that baby Asher is well taken care of. In Jesus name, Amen!

Asher is at 20 weeks now too hot and listening to music!

2009-07-30T12:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Asher was at 20 weeks and the temperature in Lake Stevens was 105! It was a record breaking heat day in Washington. So very hot! It was the hottest day on record in the Seattle area. To keep cool I shut all the windows, and all the shades, and then turned on the fan! To keep our pugmoo Honey cool I hosed her down twice with cold water. It got to 90 degrees inside the duplex we are staying in. Very hot. So by the time Chris got home I was ready for some air conditioning. We decided to head to the mall to get some air conditioning. My brother and his family met us there too. Loeli, my niece played in the kids area while we all sat under a vent. It was much cooler then home. Then at night I took cold showers because it was very hard to sleep. I don’t think Asher liked the heat.

He didn’t sleep much until it was cooler this morning. It got down to 78 degrees down stairs so it was probably at least 83 upstairs. I decided to use my doppler to check on Asher this morning. His heart was beating 152 and he was sleeping... no kick or hit noises and no hiccups. Poor little guy was probably tired out from all the heat of the day before. To cool him off more this morning I took another cold shower. I wanted him to have a good start for the day.

It is supposed to be a couple degrees cooler today... but the cloud cover that was supposed to cool it down has already burned off. So the windows and shades are closed and the fans are on in attempts to keep it cooler in the house today.

Our next ultrasound will be next tuesday. I am praying that everything will still be going well for Asher and that he will not get what his big brother Baby Nels had. It is so hard to think about that. Baby Nels was so precious to us...we always wish we would have had much more time with him. That is why we are praying that Asher will be happy and healthy and spend a life time with us.

We registered Asher at Baby’s R Us on monday. We already have the big items such as crib, car seat and stroller from Baby Nels... even though he didn’t get to use them. Because of that we only registered for a few things that we thought might be useful for Asher. Because of what happened with Nels though we have decided to only have the shower for him after he is born. It was a difficult thing to think about. The day after the first of my showers for Nels I ended up in the hospital for my 39 day stay. I guess because of that showers make me nervous. I felt so bad about all the gifts that Nels had received but that he would never get to use. I wish he could have seen all the wonderful things that people had given him! But at least he got to see one of his uncles, one cousin, one grandma and grandpa, his dad and his mom for a short time.

This time we want Asher to be able to see all the wonderful things and feel all the love of our friends and family. More then then shower, we want him to grow up surrounded by love. Nels had his short life full of love... we could have asked for no more for him then to only feel love. For this reason we want to fill Asher’s life with that same love. Of course there will be rule and structure in Asher’s life as well but we don’t ever want him to believe that we are punishing him out of spite... but only out of love. The Bible says to train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. Teaching Asher all about the love of the Lord and about Jesus is so important to us.

Today we played some music for Asher. This is a part of our filling his life with love. Chris and I both love making music. We love to listen to music and we love to worship. We would love for Asher to love these things as well. We played 3 songs for him today, 1 Kutless song (mommy’s style), 1 Karen Davis song (daddy’s style) and one Paul Wilbur song (Kadosh, a worshipful song to God)! He was asleep so he didn’t react much. Plus this was the first music introduction. Baby Nels prefered Kutless and the Hallelujah Chorus. Maybe Asher will like different music. I hope that he will like Kutless because that is one of my favorite bands right now, but if he likes quieter music that would be ok too! I think I will introduce him to some soft music tomorrow.

We have special baby speakers for Asher, that we had bought for Nels. It came with a little microphone to be able to talk to the baby as well. We have been talking to and praying for Asher all along. I am positive Nels recognized his daddies voice when he came out. I would like Asher to be able to bond quickly with Chris as well. That would be good for both of them.

Lord God, I thank you for the chance to carry this precious miracle Asher. Lord please forgive me for my fears. Help me to trust more in you and help me to walk closer to you Lord so that Asher will come to know you and your amazing love. In Jesus name, Amen!

Asher on the move

2009-07-27T19:08:00.000-07:00

This week asher has been moving around a lot. I can feel him in the areas that are not covered by placenta so that limits how much I feel him... but this little guy was moving!

Especially this weekend when Chris was at his brothers wedding. I think he knew that Chris wasn't here so he better move more so that mommy wouldn't be so stressed. Last night I thought he was doing a summersault in my rib cage. Those aren't monkey bars Asher. :)

It brings me some peace when I feel him moving. I have been trying to find peace and hope in the last couple weeks so that Asher will have a more peaceful growing time. I know that my peace has to come from God's peace that passes understanding. I know in my own flesh I will never be able to understand God's plan for this situation. Except that now I have found comfort in knowing that I am not alone going through this challenge.

One of the other mom's of a PUV angel is going through the same thing as she just found out she is having another little boy. She seems more peaceful and has found hope in faith. After I lost Nels my faith was shaken. I didn't know why I had to lose my precious little boy. But now I know there was a greater purpose... a purpose to help others who were carrying a precious PUV baby boy. God has gifted me with compassion for others and has given me tool to help others through things. But I believe also that you can never truely help people through hard situations like this unless you have atleast been through something similar. So God was just preparing another ministry opportunity for us and gave Nels the love and care he needed to become whole in heaven.

Lord God, I thank you for baby Asher. I ask that you help him to grow happy and healthy and that you help him to be born around Thanks Giving time. Lord we celebrate the time that you have given us with him so far and ask that you allow us to be a good mom and dad to him. Please fill us with your hope, faith and love that we can share with him. In thy name we pray, amen!

19 weeks is coming soon!

2009-07-20T13:24:00.000-07:00

This weekend was very difficult for me. I kept wondering why I had to go through what I went through last year all over again. Then I thought about how much this little one has already been through and wondered how much more the poor little guy could take. So I did my best to get all the tears out and start doing some positive things for my little Asher.

I registered him at target.... which I was debating about not doing... as I had had Nels registered and then had big troubles canceling all the registrations later. But I wanted this baby to be as real to me as Nels was. I wanted him to be blessed like Nels was blessed and celebrated. Then I took my sister-in-law and niece to the mall to use a gift certificated that Chris and I had won last year for the disney store. I bought him a couple outfits.

Then I figured out a theme for his room. It is going to be the Lion and the Lamb. We have some really cool animal stickers for the wall but I wanted to put a biblical touch to it also.

I am still stressed. I have poured out my heart to God asking why this had to happen. I still have no answers. So for now all I can do is to continue to pray for little Asher and ask God to help him grow into a happy healthy baby, little boy, & man!

I have an appointment tomorrow for blood test but other then that I have nothing scheduled until 21 weeks when my next appointment is. That will be just 3 days before we close on our new house. It will be so nice to have a safe place for this baby to grow up.

I took some time yesterday to worship. I think that made a difference for me. I took out the worship flags that I had taken to the hospital with me for baby Nels. I turned on the music and began to dance before the Lord. That is when I feel the safest. That is when the stress doesn't seem to be there anymore. Then reality comes crashing back in.

I know there is a reason for all of this. I may not ever know why... but I hope and pray that this time I will have a baby to take home with me from the hospital. I put the last picture from his 18 week ultrasound at the top. He kept putting his hand on his nose. His nose is a little different shaped then Nels's nose. Maybe he will look different... that would be a blessing. It would be so hard to look at another baby that looked the same as Nels.

We picked a name for our little miracle

2009-07-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

Last night after we got home Chris and I poured over the name book to pick a name for our little miracle. We only had a girl name picked out. It was Cora Joy which meant gift of joy. We wanted something that would mean something similar to this for our little boy.

At first we were looking in the initial A.B.C., because we thought that would be kind of cool. But we couldn’t find anything that meant gift. We found the first name first.

Asher is his first name. Asher means filled with happiness. We don’t want him to live with the sadness I have been through and with the stress that I have gone through during the pregnancy. It is also in honor of my mom in a way... because her middle name is Joy... which is where we got that middle name for the girl name.

The second name took a lot of time to figure out. We didn’t want a name that would be too common and we didn’t want it to be a name that he would switch to later on. It was a challenge. We found several names that meant gift from God... but none seemed to fit.

Finally we decided on the second name Johan. Johan means God is gracious. It is only by God’s grace that this little one would be allowed to be in our life. We pray that God will continue to be gracious unto him and that he will not have to go through the struggles that his big brother Nels went through. Johan is also in a way a family name. You see when my dad’s dad came over from Sweden his last name was Johanson (not sure it is being spelled right).... which he changed to Johnson to make it more Americanized. My dad said it was spelled with a J and not a Y so we are going with that.

Asher Johan Campbell, your mommy and dad love you. We are praying for you. Please don’t leave us like your big brother. We are waiting to meet you. Please grow safely.

18 week anatomy ultrasound

2009-07-17T13:49:00.000-07:00

We have been praying for the last 8 months that the Lord would bless us with a girl the next time we had a child so that we would not have to worry about PUV and so that we would see the prophecies given to us so many years ago about a little girl who danced for Jesus would come true.

Yesterday was our anatomy scan of the baby. They told us we were going to have a little boy. I instantly went into panic mode. With it being a boy it had a chance of having PUV just like baby Nels. I couldn’t understand why our prayers would have been ignored. I didn’t understand why God would want me to have to go through months more of worry. God says that we are not supposed to worry. But how can I not be concerned after what happened last year.

We prayed so hard for Baby Nels for the 39 days in the hospital. We wanted him to be a little miracle who would live to praise God. But God took him home only one hour after he was born. I was devastated. My faith was shaken. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do so I started a group on face book to help others effected by PUV.

We also began praying right away after our loss that God would bless us with the prophesied girl. We did everything we could to make this dream come true. Including timing. There was no way that the boy sperms could live long enough to fertilize the egg. We were wrong.

God made this baby a miracle from the beginning. It has fought through so much to get to this point. I am so scared that it will have to fight like baby Nels had to fight. I don’t know how to trust any more. I feel like God has left me on my own to fight this battle. My heart is breaking for what could be rather then what is. It just brings the pain of baby Nels back in my face so much.

With the SCH early on in the pregnancy we found out that we had lost baby B. Now my heart breaks even more for baby B because what if that baby was our little girl or what if it had PUV. I know ultimately it is my fault that that precious baby didn’t make it. If I would have stayed home and flown then the SCH would not have been so severe and I would be celebrating twins now. I feel so bad about that.

I can’t seem to stop crying today. I don’t want my baby to think that I don’t love him or that I don’t want him because I do love him. I just can’t bear the thought of losing another child at this point. We didn’t have any boy names picked out. We were concentrating so hard on having a girl that I didn’t want to cause any problems by picking a boy name. I think that upset me even more. Not having a name to give him as we left was awful. I felt so ashamed.

All my name books were packed away long ago for the move. Thankfully my mom picked up a name book for Chris and I on our way back to the mom and dad’s duplex that we are staying in until our house is done.

Chris and I were both stressed out after the ultrasound. My doctor noticed that we were stressed. She told us we should be happy and celebrating because our baby was happy and healthy at this point. She wants me to be able to enjoy the pregnancy. I don’t know how to do that. Everything looked normal for baby Nels until 29 weeks. Nothing was found until then. It is 11 weeks until that time... 15 weeks until the time Nels was born... and 19 weeks until my 37 week time which is most likely when I will have this little one if nothing goes wrong. 19 weeks is a long time left. Too much time to stress. Too long to wait. Where will my peace come from?

I know I must sound like the most unfaithful, unBiblical person right now. I don’t know what to do about that. I have no way of figuring this out on my own. I am supposed to help others and supposed to share my faith with others. Now I am lost and feel so alone in this journey... even though I know others going through it as well.

I need to pull it together. I just don’t know how right now. The ultrasound showed that the kidneys and bladder looked normal at this point. I just hope that they stay that way.

Allergy Scare

2009-07-10T13:57:00.000-07:00

Last night before bed I got really itchy. I asked my husband if there was something one my back... yes... hives! I immediately asked him to put some hydrocortizone on me with out thinking. Then I began to pray that the hyrocortizone wouldn't harm the baby. I can deal with itching. Then I began to be concerned about what could be causing the hives.

In 2007 I learned that I was gluten allergic and that it had been the cause of some very bad things in my health. I have been doing my best to avoid all glutens during this pregnancy. I did not want anything to happen to this precious little miracle because of a food.

Chris and I went over everything I ate for the last few days. We couldn't really figure out what caused it. My best guest was that it was a hidden gluten. By the middle of the night the whole right side of my body had hives.

I had Chris pray for the baby and pray that the reaction would go away. By the time I woke up this morning the hives were gone. Praise God. Chris was still concerned though and asked me to do a doppler check of the baby. He was on his way to work so I decided to do the doppler before he would call me back.

I heard lots of hiccups and movement today but the heart rate was hard to find. The placenta on top makes it hard to hear the heart beat some times. I did hear it though and was able to tell Chris when he called. He was relieved that I heard noises from our little miracle.

What a blessing it is to be able to check on the baby. I was so stressed about the hives that I was thinking about calling the doctors office if they weren't gone by the morning. Thankfully they were. God is good!

17 weeks today!

2009-07-08T10:14:00.000-07:00

Today the baby is 17 weeks. I listened to our little miracles heart beat this morning and it was between 153 and 157. Still a fast little baby! :) It has been a while since I have written last. We haven't had any doctors appointments or anything to report on. Just have been in a bit of a waiting period of time.

Last week we picked out the house we are going to buy. It is being built and will be done on the seventh of August. We will be moving out of our house in a week. That is not much time left here. We have been busy packing and getting stuff ready and got the Pod delivered yesterday. Since I can't lift heavy stuff I have only been able to pack and tape boxes. Chris has been moving the boxes.

The baby got excited with all the activity yesterday and actually kicked me where I could feel it. Since my placenta is on top I haven't felt much movement except when I am using my doppler, because the baby pushes against that some times.

When I heard the heart beat this morning it wasn't just the quite swish swosh noises. It was the actual heart beating so the baby must have had it heart close to my tummy. It was a beautiful noise to hear but reminded me of the monitoring that baby Nels got in the hospital.

Baby Nels would have been 8 months old on last Sunday. We went and took him some left over 4th of July prizes that we had for the games for all the kids. We stuck two red, white and blue pinwheels in the ground for him. It is hard to go and see his spot... even though I know in my heart he is not there and he is in heaven. I had a wee bit of a breakdown the night before and then just as we left because the wind made the pinwheels spin for him.

Anyways, with all the stress going on our little miracle seems to be hanging in there really well. Our next appointment is on the 16th of July. There will be another full body and organ scan of the baby as well as a doctors appointment later that day. I am still praying that this little one is a happy healthy girl. I don't want this baby ever to have to go through what Nels did.

15 weeks today!

2009-06-24T18:17:00.001-07:00

Today this little miracle is 15 weeks!!!! Wow, how amazing is that! What a blessing! Now we need this precious little one to keep growing at least until it is as old as baby Nels was if not a few weeks older... which would be nice!

We have 3 weeks left of our think pink campaign and then we will know for sure if the baby is a girl. This would be a huge relief to me as I just read something on my ultrasound report that concerned me.

My doctor didn't bring it up but it appears my placenta is Anterior. What this means is that the placenta is on the top of the uterus towards the abdominal wall... kind of like the baby implanted up instead of towards the back which is more common. So why does this concern me. For one reason and one reason only... it makes it nearly impossible to do any kind of neonatal surgery if needed. I am praying that this baby is completely healthy and happy and will not have the problems baby Nels had... but it does make me a bit concerned.

I know that God is in control. I know that God works all things for good according to his glory. I just pray that He is making this special little one healthy with all the parts growing right. 3 weeks and 1 day until my next ultrasound. It seems so far away... but at least the house packing should keep me busy and my mind occupied for the next three weeks. Only one week after that and we will be out of our home. Such a busy time!

Chris has two weddings that the is in in July as well. 1 is a couple days after the ultrasound and one the day before we are closing our house. He is going to be busy packing soon. I think we need to get one of those pod things.

Lord God, I thank you for the blessing of having this precious miracle be 15 weeks today. Lord bless this child and protect it as it grows. Lord please keep all it's parts growing correctly and happy and healthy. Lord lead and guide our steps as we prepare to move and keep us ever focused on you and your will for our lives. In Jesus name, amen!

We sold our house!

2009-06-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

With in a week of our house being on the market we had and offer and accepted the second offer at 8 days! What an amazing miracle of God. That just doesn't happen in todays market. Selling houses can take months and months.

Since this time we have gone through the main house inspection last night and now how a furnace cleaning and inspection tomorrow and a septic tank cleaning and inspection on Tuesday. But the main inspection is done so nothing to do after these couple things.

All that is left to do is to find and buy a new house and pack up all the stuff in our house and move it to the new one. (Well me are moving into my parents duplex in Lake Stevens in the mean time... because it may not be so smooth like that.)

This week we looked at a couple houses. One on Sunday and one on Monday. The one on Sunday felt really yucky inside. It was falling apart, smelled like cat pee and looked like the people tortured cats by keeping them under a bench seat and locked in the pantry... both were all scratched up. It was awful. That real estate agent told us it would cost at least 20,000 to make it livable and it was already at the top of our range for expenses. The second house we looked at Monday was better but had it's problems too. Half melted microwave, Moldy wall in the bathroom, windows that needed to be replaced, a deck that was falling apart and it was right next to a busy road.

Tomorrow I am going out looking again with our New real estate person. She is going to show me a few houses that I picked out of the ones she picked out. I am praying that I will find one in that group and that it will be one that will except an offer.

Chris and I really want a home that is large enough so that we can expand the ministry and be able to bring people into our home for Bible study and worship. That would be a dream come true for both of us. We are praying that God will have the perfect house for us.

Dear Lord God, thank you for the speedy sale of our house. Lord we ask that you help this process continue through and help it to go smoothly. Please help us to pack up and be ready to move when we need to and help us to find the best house for our baby and our ministry. Thank you Lord for all you are doing! In Jesus name, Amen!

Our 14 week appointment

2009-06-20T21:40:00.000-07:00

We had our latest appointment with the doctor on Thursday the 18th of June to go over the ultrasound results from the week before. I was concerned and had lots of questions.

One of my biggest questions was if the Fibroid that they told me was liquifying would do anything to harm the baby or block the baby from coming out later as it is near my cervix. My doctor assured me that it was good that it was liquifying and that it would go away because of that. Also she said that it would not block the baby from coming out. That was sure a good thing to hear.

My second big question was about the baby's bladder on the ultrasound at 13 weeks. She brought the ultrasound pictures up on her computer and couldn't really see the bladder or it's shape very much so she said that she would do a quick ultrasound herself to show me what she see. She found the bladder and instead of looking like a skinny line this time it looked like a little round dot. That was so much better to me.

I asked her next about the amount of amniotic fluid. To me it seem a little less then the same time with baby Nels and he had PUV so this concerned me. She assured me that the amount of amniotic fluid was completely normal. It almost makes me wonder if maybe God had added a little extra for baby Nels so that he would be able to have enough so that he would breath for his hour. I guess that is the best answer for me.

I also asked her about the P17 shots that my insurance nurse had talked about. My doctor told me that all my blood tests came back good and that I did not need them. Praise God!!!! Having to do a shot every week would have been a pain, but it would have been something I would have gladly done if I needed to for this precious little miracle.

When the doctor was doing the ultrasound the baby was dancing, as my doctor said, and then decided it need to strike some poses. The baby started out waving arms and feet and the decided that it need to do some relaxing. It actually crossed it hands and put them behind it's head then put it's feet up like it was relaxing in a lounge chair. It was very cute. I wish I had a picture of it to share.

The thing I was hoping for most was that we would be able to do an ultrasound at 16 weeks to not only check the bladder but to also check the baby's gender. Unfortunately she said no. Her reasons were two fold. Firstly... my main reason was to check the bladder in case there was any signs of PUV so that they could do something about it. I found out that my doctor had done some research about what can be done... also that she had done some of the PUV procedures before. She told me that the ones I had talked about have a 70% fatality rate. 70%.... that is mind blowing. I am so glad I got my time with Nels and that he did not end up in that 70%... but I feel bad for those who had to go through the procedures only to lose their precious little boys. I know a couple of very strong women who have been through this and I admire their courage in facing what they have gone through. The second reason... for checking gender... my doctor said would be better done at 18 weeks when it is more obvious. I know that taking progesterone early in pregnancy can make the baby seem more masculine and since I was on it for the first 12 weeks I guess that maybe it would be better for me to wait. Although I really wish I didn't have to wait.

So since everything looked good according to my doctor my next appointment is 4 weeks from last Thursday.... July 16th. I will have two appointments in one day that day. My doctor didn't want me to have to wait for her interpretation of my ultrasound results so She is having my 18 week ultrasound at 18w1 day and 2 hours later I will have an appointment with her.

Waiting 4 weeks makes me so on edge. I know I shouldn't be because according to the doctor everything is good. I am so happy that everything is good but I can't help thinking that that was how it was with Nels before I found out about the PUV at almost 29 weeks. I know that I can trust my doctor and I know that she is working in mine and the baby's best interest. She said that she wants me to relax and enjoy the pregnancy more.

I guess I need to work on that this week. Relax and Enjoy! Two very difficult words for me but I will do my best with the help of God.

I know that I could go off on my own and do a paid ultrasound at 16 weeks to check gender... but I really really really can't afford it right now as money is extremely tight. It would put my heart so much at ease if I knew it was a baby girl... but for now I need to be happy knowing the baby is doing well.

This morning I did another doppler reading so that Chris, my husband, would be able to hear the baby's heart beat and hear it moving around a bit. The baby was playing hide and seek from daddy. I normally find the baby closer to my right hand side but today even though I got the beat for a tiny second on the right side it moved as far over on the left hand side as it could. Since it was moving so much I had Chris put his hand on me so he could try and feel the movement as well. What a wonderful blessing.

I am glad I have the doppler, especially since my next appointment is a month away. I am thankful that God has given me the ability to hear my precious little one move, and hear it's heart beating. It is a blessing.

Thank you Lord God for the good report from the doctor. Thank you for your blessings and for helping my baby grow happy and healthy. Lord you have done so many wonderful things for me and have blessed me greatly. Lord thank you for each precious moment I have with this baby. I will do my best to treasure this time and to give you thanks for everything you are doing in me and the baby. Thank you God for your love and mercy and grace! Please make the next 4 weeks go quickly now. In Jesus name, amen!

Hiccups, wiggles and butterflies!

2009-06-15T16:15:00.000-07:00

This morning as I did my doppler to listen for the baby's heart beat I heard a lot more then what I expected. The first thing I heard was hiccups. So cute. With baby Nels I didn't hear his hiccups until I was in the hospital... so I am really treasuring hearing this little one more clearly. Hiccups are actually very good for the baby! It shows that the baby is taking in amniotic fluid. This makes me very happy. I know that the lungs don't really start their major development until week 16 but this is a big part of their development. The lungs need the amniotic fluid to help make the brachia and form the lungs between weeks 16 to 24. With baby Nels he really didn't have that chance to form his lungs. I am praying that this baby will be able to have the fluid to form the lungs and to help the lungs develop when they are supposed to.

The second sound I heard was kicking or hitting. Basic movements. They sound like bumps or thumps. It was nice to hear! I also heard a little bit of swish sound as well along with the bumps.

What was even more amazing then the sounds I heard to day were the feelings. As I laid down with the doppler rolling over my tummy I actually was able to feel the baby moving a little. It was so good to feel. I didn't really feel Nels moving until later in pregnancy so this was a bit of a surprise, but it was another wonderful one.

I treasure these moments with the baby. It is so wonderful, so amazing, and such a blessing. At times I forget about these little treasured moments and turn to fear and worry about the baby. I was writing to one of my online friends today who just passed the day when she had miscarried in her last pregnancy. What a wonderful thing! It brings so much relief to mom's when they pass such time frames. I remember feeling this with Nels as soon as I got to 9 weeks! I knew he was there to stay. I just didn't know he would be taken away. I think this is where my fear is coming from during this pregnancy. I don't really have a date where I can pass and feel for sure safe this time... as baby Nels was born at 34 weeks. I don't want to feel this way through out my pregnancy. Instead I really really really want to celebrate the little things like I was able to today.

This baby is a fighter and has over come so much already. I am so happy with how well it has done. When will I feel comfortable again? I will be going to my doctor again on Thursday. I will be asking about when they will do the next ultrasound on the baby. I know that I still need to be watched closer because of PUV. I think that I should have one at least at 16 weeks. At this time they would definitely be able to see what is going on and they probably would be able to tell the sex of the baby. I think the only thing about that that would make be be able to relax more would be if the baby was a girl because then there would be no chance of PUV.

Lord God, I thank you for my little miracle! I thank you for the precious moments like today where the baby hiccups and moves. Lord I ask that you continue to breath life into my womb and continue to form this little miracle happy and healthy. Lord keep a hedge of protection around my baby and help it to continue to grow in the way it should grow. Lord thank you so much for my little miracle. Please let this miracle be born and come home with us. In Jesus name, Amen!

Gender Frenzie

2009-06-12T12:27:00.000-07:00

First off let me say that I know the gender of the baby has been decided since way before conception by God so all of this is going to sound a bit silly but I really need to write it out of my head today.

Since I found out about being pregnant the thing I have been most concerned about is wether it will be the girl that we were prophesied about or wether it would be a boy like Nels. The main reason for concern is of course PUV. Girls simply do not have PUV so it would be so much better to know that I was having a girl. It would make me more relax through the rest of the pregnancy and would help me not to worry as much.

When we had our scan on wednesday one of my friends was sweet enough to offer to post the picture to have people guess what gender it was. This friend has been through the terror of PUV recently as well and found out at 16 weeks that she was having a little girl. Well the results she got back were that 10 people thought the baby was a boy and only 6 thought it was a girl.

So I did some research... what are these people looking at to figure out the gender. Well what they are looking for is called a nub. On my ultrasound pictures though I did not see any of the nub like things that I had seen in the demonstration pictures. Plus the baby was doing sit ups during the picture taking. Still I began to freak out. Freaking out is not good for the baby.

I know that what they are looking at unless highly skilled and trained... they probably can't tell for sure. Plus I know that when they did do the potty shot... there was nothing visible. With Nels... there was... I just ignored it thinking that all baby's looked like that at 12 weeks. This one was done a week later then Nels's so I figured if it was a boy it would be quite evident.

So in reaction to this what do I do? Take more of those silly gender quizes. I took about 4 more. Each one giving higher percentages for girl, 83% girl, 70% girl and two that just said girl. I know that these quizes are even less accurate then the nub thing. I even wrote about it in an earlier blog... but it did seem to bring me a tiny bit of peace though. Not enough to make a real difference.

I know that my peace needs to come from God. I constantly hear people say that God won't give you more then you can handle, and I know this is Biblical. I just don't understand how much we are supposed to handle some times. All this waiting to find out if the baby is a girl is really stressing me out at this point.

I can't change what God has planned. I know this too. I just broke down today thinking about what it would be like if it were a boy. I think I would literally fall to teeny tiny piece on the floor. It would be devastating having to be concerned about PUV for the next 6 months. Worried every day about wether or not my babies lungs would develop or wether it would live longer then the hour I had with Nels. I don't think I could handle it to be honest. Then when the baby was born... seeing a little boy every day would only be like a constant reminder to me of what we lost and how he could have been saved if it was caught earlier.

Why am I going through this. I just want peace and a happy healthy little girl. Some people may think that this is selfish of me to want a girl. But I can't really help how I feel right now. Would I hate having a boy. No, but it would be difficult. I am not going to lie. I really really want a happy healthy baby. I wish I could just fast forward the next 6 weeks so I could know what is going on better.

I want to be excited about my baby, not scared of losing it. I want to rejoice and not be in fear. I want my baby to know it is loved no mater what it is. Please God, help me. I can't do this on my own. I am so lost right now.

Too much stress is going on for my little one. I don't want it to be hurt by my fears and emotions.

Lord God, I come to you today in confusion. I know Lord that you are not the author of confusion so I bind that and say to the evil one that he has no place in my life. Lord I ask that you lead and guide me and keep me safe. I ask that you hold me in your hand and that you put a hedge of protection around my precious little miracle. Lord I know that you do not want me to feel this way. I am ashamed of my actions and my fear. Please Lord guide my steps. Keep me focused on you and not on what others say. Help me to get through this difficult time. In Jesus name, amen.

13 week Special Ultrasound

2009-06-10T15:48:00.000-07:00

Our thirteen week ultra sound was a combination Nuchal Translucency ultrasound and a check for PUV by checking bladder. All the baby's major organs where checked as well as the bones in the arms and legs and spine. The Nuchal Translucency measurement for our Little Miracle was 1.5. That is a very good measurement. They want the measurement to be bellow 3 and for the least risk to be below 2.5. So our baby is looking very healthy there!

This Little Miracle was quite active today! Doing sit ups and waving at mommy and daddy. One time the Little Miracle had it's hand on the bridge of it's nose looking like "Oh no, what are they doing now... why all the poking." The baby actually seem quite happy and content in the womb.

Little Miracle had a few hiccups and that was cute to see. Right now I can feel a tiny bit of the movement because the baby is so high so it kind of feels like butterflies when that happens. We even saw our little miracle open it's mouth and break or suck in some fluid. :) Yay!!!! Go Baby Go! That was nice to see.

I asked about the bladder specifically because of Baby Nel's PUV and the bladder looked small and normal. We did see a rear end shot of the baby... mostly legs and the later the umbilical cord. We did not see any distinguishable boy parts so we are praying that this truly is our little girl. At this point we would have most likely at least seen a little stub of something but saw nothing really. :)

The baby's Heart rate was 169 this morning. Very happy and healthy. The baby measured 12 weeks 6 days which is only 1 day behind now.... so in the last two weeks the baby has gained a day. That is good. This little miracle started measuring 4 days behind and had caught up to two day by 9 week and now has caught up even more. Such a good baby.

Looking at this little one we saw so much similar in it's little face to baby Nels... same nose and same big lips. The nose from my dad's side of the family and the big lips from Chris. Pretty amazing!

The second part to the NT test is usually a simple blood draw of one tube. It gives you risk factors for other genetic problems. My doctor said I did not have to do this if I didn't want to, but since Nels's turned out fine I decided that I didn't mind doing the test. Since I did not get my blood taken at the other clinic in my first few weeks of pregnancy though, I had 7 other vials of blood taken. Quite a bit, but the person taking my blood barely made a mark at all. She was good.

The good news so far is no signs of PUV and no signs left of the Subchorionic hemorrhage! That was great! The only thing that was a bit troubling is that there was a fibroid that had possibly liquified. They said there was nothing to worry about that though.

Lord God, I thank you for our little miracle. I thank you that you healed my SCH and that there is no more bleeding in me! Thank you so much for giving our baby a happy and healthy heart beat and for forming all it's parts the way they are supposed to be. Thank you for the good result on the Nuchal Translucency test. Lord I pray that the blood tests come back well too! Thank you for all that you are doing God! In Jesus name, amen!

Selling our house to move closer to doctor.

2009-06-08T15:05:00.000-07:00

Today we had our first real estate agent come to look at our house to see about selling it. We decided after baby Nels died to put our house on the market. Chris decided it would be best to wait until after May. We have worked really hard trying to empty out our house as much as possible. It has been hard because of the pregnancy and me not being able to do much... but thankfully we have had a lot of help from my mom and dad.

Today's visit was a little disappointing. The real estate agent wasn't sure that we would even get the tax accessed price for our house. She said it was nice and looked bigger then it's size and that it was clean. :) that was a happy thing. But the fact that we may not even get the tax accessed amount is kind of scary. We need to get at least that much in order to be able to buy a house in the area we want to move to.

Why do we want to move? Well we want to be closer to Chris's work and closer to friend and family. Why do we need to move? Because of the baby. We really need to be closer then an hour and a half away from doctors.

I am excited about the chance to sell our house and move but I am praying that it will be a quick process and that it will not only sell quickly but sell for enough so that we will be able to buy another house where we want to.

Honey, our dog has been very concerned about all the packing, fixing and moving around of stuff. Today her bed moved to the garage temporarily... not that she sleeps on it... mostly she just stores her toys on it. She was pretty upset when the agent came. She really didn't want anyone walking around her house.

Tomorrow I think I will put her in the kennel when the other agent comes. She definitely will not be happy about that but she will be ok. :)

The stress of all of this is concerning to me. I don't want this to effect the baby at all. This little miracle is so important to us and I don't want anything to happen to it. I pray that God will put a hedge of protection around this special little one all through out this whole process.

Lord God, you know why we want to sell our house. Lord I ask that you help us to pick the best agent for us. Lord help us to get someone who will work hard and quickly to sell our home. Lord God, put a hedge of protection around our precious little one and keep it safe. Lord God please bring the people to buy our house and close the house deal very quickly. Lord let these people buy the house as soon as it is listed and let it close the quickest way possible. Then Lord help us to find the best house for us and our precious little one. Help us to be able to afford a house in a nice area that has great walking and parks. Thank you Lord for all you are doing in our lives. Lord we give this over to you as we have done what we can do now. Please help us. In Jesus name, Amen!

7 Months ago Today

2009-06-05T11:25:00.000-07:00

Just Seven months ago today our precious baby Nels was born. This was the hour he lived in so I wanted to make a special note to celebrate his little life!

We love you so much baby Nels and we wish you were still here with us! You were an amazing miracle to us! Your life was short but gave us so much joy for the few moments you held our fingers! That is one thing I will never forget! You holding on to my finger and not letting go.

Baby Nels you fought so hard and did so well. You were so beautiful. I can't imagine why you had to go away, but I know that God had better plans for your life! You are healed and whole in heaven! Your new body has no problems and you can run, dance, sing and praise God with all the angels in heaven.

Right now I know you must know that we have another baby on the way. It is another precious miracle to us! We want you to know baby Nels that this baby can never replace you in our hearts though. We will always have a spot for our little boy who tired so hard.

We are praying that the miracle inside right now will get to come home with us in a few months and will get to try out some of the neat things we bought and received for you. You had so many wonderful things you never got to try... like the organic diapers and the special crib mattress with no chemicals. We tried to get you the best because you were so special to us. We saved all your special things with the hope that someday we would be able to have a baby come home with us.

We love you baby Nels! We will see you again someday in heaven!

Online Pregnancy Quizes

2009-06-04T15:10:00.000-07:00

Today just for fun I took a online pregnancy quiz to see if I would have a girl. It was just for fun... and is made out of all these old wives tales. I know that it is not scientific and that it doesn't prove anything and at this point only God knows if it is a girl. It was fun though and gave me the answer that I am expecting a girl.

:) We have been thinking pink because we have had our little boy and he had PUV. We know that Girls can not have PUV. This is one of our reasons we are thinking pink. There are a couple others. We also were prophesied over 10 years ago by several people that we would have a little girl who would dance for Jesus. That is our greatest desire right now that our little miracle would worship the Lord.

Though it is fun to take these quiz's it is nice knowing that in a few weeks we should know the gender of our precious little miracle for sure! I personally can't wait to find out! I know that God has the best plans for this precious little one!

Dear Lord, I thank you for the fun I had with this quiz. Lord I know better then to trust a quiz. I know that you are forming our precious little miracle in the way that you wanted it formed. Lord I trust you that you are building each part of this precious miracle happy and healthy. In you alone Lord will I put my trust. Not in test or measure... but in the wonder and grace of your mercy and love. I Jesus name, amen!

Roses for the loves in my life

2009-06-03T09:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my mom helped me plant 3 roses and put them by my porch! Each rose I picked out for a specific reason.

The rose to the left is called a Love Struck rose. It is a yellow rose that starts out with a bit of red and orange. I picked this one out for Baby B Beautiful Miracle to represent her ultimate sacrifice for the love of Baby A Little Miracle! It is a two colored rose... so it can stand for both the precious little miracles!

The next rose... the one in the center... is called Angel Face. It is a pale lavender rose with a burgundy edge. It is one of the most beautiful smelling roses I have smelled in a long time! I picked this one out for Baby Nels! Because his face was the face of an Angel and he smelled so sweet! We miss you so much Baby Nels!

The last rose I picked was the Disneyland Rose. I picked this rose out special for Chris and I. I picked this one because of it's name. It is a multicolored peachy rose. The reason I wanted the Disneyland rose was because that is where Chris and I spent our honeymoon in July of 1994. July 2, 2009 will be our 15th wedding anniversary! I love Chris so much! We have been trying so long to have a family and are praying this year... that will come true! I wanted to give Chris a special rose to remind him of the happy parts of our marriage.

Lord God, I thank you for Baby B and Baby Nels and all the other precious little ones we have lost. I pray that you are taking good care of them! Lord I thank you for Chris, for his love, his understanding, and for everything he has done for me to help me out during this pregnancy. Lord bless Chris in all he does and help him to live his life strong and faithful for you! In Jesus name, amen!

8 days until I see my little miracle again.

2009-06-02T09:02:00.000-07:00

It hasn't been a week yet since my last appointment and I am already wishing my next one was sooner. I can't imagine what it would have been like to be pregnant before ultrasounds. I think with my history I would just about be going nuts at this point if I hadn't been able to see my precious little miracle moving around and see the flicker of the heart beat.

I know in my heart that I need to trust God to keep my precious little one safe. I also know that faith doesn't come by seeing the baby... but by believing it is under God's protection and that he is forming it in every way! God know's every little detail of this precious miracle. He knows how everything is going together. He sees everything happening in the womb much better then an ultrasound machine. Be breathed life into my precious little one and is keeping that precious heart beating.

What a miracle this is to have life placed inside. A precious treasure. A gift from God.

I have 8 more days before my next ultrasound. It will be the first one that my husband has been able to see. He was able to take off the whole day to spend with me. We are going down to the hospital and get the ultrasound... then I have an appointment to get some blood drawn.

After that we are going to spend the day celebrating our miracle! We are going to go to the zoo to see the new penguin exhibit, and then to Romio's for gluten free pizza! Yeah!

I am really looking forward to this day with Chris and the baby. I know that before my other ultrasound I was extremely nervous. But this time is different. I feel safer now. I am almost to my second trimester and will be on the day of my ultrasound. What a blessing that is!

The scan that I am having done at 13 weeks (my next ultrasound) is a Nuchal Translucency Scan. It is generally to used for people over 35 to check for genetic issues. For me they are going to check out some extra parts as well... because of the PUV baby Nels had. They will check the bladder really carefully and the kidneys. Plus all the normal organs and parts that they would normally check during the scan. It may be possible to see the sex of the baby... if the baby cooperates. But it is still early so it may not be totally clear yet. We are hoping that it will be clearly a girl so it will not have any chance of the PUV that baby Nels had.

We are also praying that everything else looks good too! We did do this test with Nels. They told us everything looked good... but they had not looked at his bladder or kidneys well. If they had we might have a totally different story right now. But God knew best for baby Nels and he is safe and whole in heaven.

God, I thank you that you have a hedge of protection around our precious little miracle. I pray that when we have the scan done at 13 weeks we will be able to see all the baby's parts and that they will be growing happy and healthy. I also pray that you keep the baby's heart beating well and that you continue to form it beautifully in the womb. Lord, please let us see that this baby is a healthy little girl and that she is going to be born. We need your hope Lord to press on. We are holding on to your grace, mercy and miracles right now for this precious child. Thank you God for all that you are doing! Please keep my heart at peace for the next 8 days as I wait to see my little one. In Jesus name, amen!

No Greater Love

2009-05-30T19:13:00.000-07:00

Today I wore the white bracelet above to remind myself of the wisdom of God and His plan for all of our lives. It simply reads "I will follow God's plans". Sometimes God's plans are not exactly what we would have planed for our lives. For the last two days I have been contemplating why God would allow me to even know about Beautiful Miracle's (Baby B) existence. I though of how much easier it would have been just to think our little miracle was the only one who struggled and fought for their life in these weeks.

There was a reason God wanted us to know. A few of our friend have told us either that Beautiful Miracle wasn't meant to make it, or that maybe there was something wrong. But a couple of my friends said something that made more sense to me. That Beautiful Miracle laid down her precious little life for the life of Little Miracle. That they loved their sibling so much and knew they both could not grow strong and healthy.

This brings me to tears even typing about it. But they are tears of joy as much as they are tears of sorrow. Joy that our Beautiful Miracle was so selfless and so strong as to give up her life so Little Miracle could live. Sorrow, that we could not have known and celebrated Beautiful Miracles life more.

In the Bible it states that there is no greater love then to lay your life down for another. So Beautiful Miracle gave all she could and loved more then we could imagine!

John 15:12-13 (New International Version)
¹²My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ¹³Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

How amazing is this that someone so small could do something so big for the ones she loves! She let Little Miracle continue to grow strong and healthy and didn't even draw attention to herself. Was a beautiful act of love, grace, and mercy. We could all learn from such as this!

Dear Lord, we thank you for the life and sacrifice of Beautiful Miracle. We pray that you are holding her safe and sound right now. Lord we also thank you for our Little Miracle. We ask that you help our little miracle to continue to grow strong and healthy and to be born and come home with us. Lord you have blessed us greatly! Thank you for displaying true and real love through the example of Beautiful Miracle! In Jesus Name, Amen!

There were 2 miracles... one went to heaven!

2009-05-28T18:56:00.000-07:00

Today I went for my big appointment at UWMC! I was nervous but excited at the same time! I figured that I would get a chance to see my baby today and was very excited about that but scared at the same time that we wouldn't find what we wanted. A healthy happy baby.

My Doctor at the UW is great! I really trust her and I know she knows me well after the time I spent in the hospital last year. I had written a list of questions but none of them had to do with what we actually saw on the ultrasound monitor today.

When we started looking at the ultrasound screen my doctor said "It looks like you lost a twin." Twin? That was something new added to this very messy mess. Wow, although it was something I considered and even prayed about in the hotel room in Florida, there was no evidence of a twin until today! We saw baby A with a happy healthy heart beat between 164 and 174 and then right below that we saw a sac that was close to the same size as baby A's but with out a baby in it.

The baby must have been lost in Florida due to the Subchorionic Hemorrhage. I wasn't sure how to feel at first. I had mixed emotions. After worrying about the one baby I knew about the whole time for such a long time I didn't know how to feel about the precious little one that I lost and didn't even know it.

I am happy and excited that my one baby is doing so well! I am looking forward to the NT Ultrasound in 2 weeks. It is a very in depth ultrasound which measures many parts of the baby... including the bladder. So we will be able to see things clearer in 2 weeks.

I am sad though that I had a chance to have to precious miracles that could have played together and grown up together and now will never get that chance. I hope that baby B is safe in Jesus arms. Chris and I decided to call baby B Beautiful Miracle. So Beautiful Miracle is in heaven now with baby Nels. We don't know why this had to happen but we know that God is in control.

Abba, Heavenly Father we thank you for Baby A and for making Baby A happy and healthy! We thank you for a happy healthy heart rate and for good movement. Lord we thank you for Beautiful Miracle as well. We are so sad that Beautiful Miracle could not come and be with us but we are thankful for the short amount of time that you gave us to cherish her. Lord continue to work in Baby A's life and help it to develop completely and to be born happy and healthy. In Jesus name, Amen!

1 day left to wait

2009-05-27T13:50:00.000-07:00

I only have one day left before my big appointment at the University of Washington Medical Center tomorrow. It has been a long two weeks but I know that God has been with me and the baby.

This morning at 4am I had a tiny tiny brown spot that sent me for a loop. But Chris prayed with me and I felt peaceful enough to fall back asleep again. I know that God is in control of this little miracle's life and that God will protect it.

I am praying for a good appointment tomorrow. I hope that it will go well and that the baby will be happy and healthy and that the Doctor will give me good news.

Today I got a call from my insurance company. They have set me up with a nurse that will call me every couple weeks or so to check up on me and the baby. I guess this is something they do for high risk people. It is kind of a nice thing because I will have someone to talk to about questions when I don't get to talk with the doctor. They are going to give me another call next week to see how my appointment went.

They were concerned that none of the normal blood work was done at 8 weeks. All I had around that time... 9w1d was the blurry ultrasound. Hopefully they will do some tests and stuff tomorrow to make sure that everything is going right.

I also update the theme on this page to go along with the think pink moto! How do you like it? Very pink huh! I like it! It matches me! Holding on to Faith, Hope, Love and Joy!

Thank you God for today with my little miracle! Lord I pray that you will put a hedge of protection around my little one today and that you will help it show up happy and healthy for the appointment tomorrow. Lord help the baby to form the way it is supposed to with all the organs and parts where they are supposed to be. Thank you God for loving and caring for my precious miracle and for filling me with hope even through the very hard times. Lord I pray that the SCH is completely healed now and that I will not spot more. In Jesus name, Amen!

I heard the swoshing!

2009-05-25T09:27:00.000-07:00

Today for the first time I actually heard the swoshing sound of the baby's heart beat! Before when I got the heart beat on the monitor, I did not hear the sound but only got the digital read out. This time it was the total opposite. I heard the sound but did not get the digital read out of the heart rate... but I tell you what.... hearing it's little heart beating is even better then seeing a number on the screen!

It was amazing! Since it is a holiday Chris was there with me this morning when I checked for it. He actually had me stopping at the spot because he thought he heard something. We waited for a tiny bit and there it was "swish swosh, swish swosh" it's the most wonderful sound in the world to me right now! It means my baby is still there and still growing! Praise God!

Thank you God for the beautiful sounds you shared with me this morning! I know that it was because of you that I was able to hear the heart beat! What a blessing! God you are the great creator... you give everything life! Thank you for breathing life into my baby and helping it to grow healthy and happy in my womb! God forgive me for being scared yesterday. Give me the strength to keep pressing on and the faith to hold on to the hope for this little miracle! In Jesus name, Amen!

Now I see why I was warned about the doppler!

2009-05-24T18:33:00.000-07:00

Today had a rough start to it. I decided first thing that I wanted to try and find the baby's heart rate this morning. I tried for an hour and a half and really could not pinpoint the baby. I did hear a little movement but was concerned.

As I laid on the couch later I tried to feel where the baby would be... again did happen. I could not feel my uterus at all today when I was on the couch. Later on I went down stairs to lay down and try to find it and I did. I guess the couch just wasn't the right position.

One person tried to warn me about dopplers and the frustration with not finding the heart rate some times. I thought that it would only bring me comfort though seeing that the heart rate was beating away. I was pretty sure that I would be able to find the baby's heart rate too.... after being in the hospital with all the monitoring last year with Nels. I got really good at working all the equipment.

Today though I got scared and frustrated after not finding a suitable baby heart rate in the morning. One of my friends suggested drinking some cold water and trying again. (Thanks for the idea! :) ) So later in the afternoon I decided to try that. Well, I think I might have gotten the heart rate and even heard a tiny swishing sound for barely 2 seconds. Then I heard a lot of other noise and couldn't find the heart rate again. I kept running into mine everywhere I went. It is easy to tell my heart rate from a baby's heart rate. Mine sound like the normal thump thump sound of a heart that we are all used to. A baby's heart sounds more like a swish swish sound though.

I am more at ease tonight but I asked my husband to pray for me and the baby. I don't have any other reasons to be concerned right now.

I am thankful that the SCH seems to have cleared itself up. I haven't had any bleeding for quite some time now! Praise God!! To God be the glory for that! I also haven't had any cramping or pressure either, which is good! The only cramping I have had has been gastrointestinal in nature, because of a couple days of the runs. Sorry for the TMI :) Anyways there are no big signs that I should be concerned... so I need to get back to focusing on the blessing that this child is and enjoy my last few days of couch rest before my big appointment on Thursday!

I am really hoping that everything goes really well on Thursday! I hope that it will be a good appointment and that maybe I will be taken off couch duty! :) I know that the pelvic rest and the lifting restrictions were given to me for the whole pregnancy so I am not going to count on getting off those restrictions but the couch rest might be escapable!

Dear Lord God, I come to you tonight and ask that you continue to form my little baby in my womb. Help it's heart to beat right, help it's parts to grow right and help it to be born happy and healthy. Lord I lay my burdens at the foot of the cross and ask that you give me the peace that passes understanding right now. Lord I know that my baby is in your skillful hands and that you are working miracles in it's life right now. Lord bless this little one and help it to grow. I dedicate this child to you oh Lord even now and I promise to raise it up in your ways. Lord thank you for all you are doing and that you for being with me in the days that I have to wait between appointments. Thank you God for all that you are doing, amen!

Can't stop crying

2009-05-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

Last night at Midnight her time my friend Stephanee had her baby boy Vayden. We had been praying so hard for them for such a long time. Vayden had PUV just like baby Nels. About an hour after he was born I recieved a call from Stephanee. She sounded peaceful and strong.

She told me that Vayden was born 4 lbs 14 ounces. Only one ounce smaller then his older brother. She told me he was breathing on his own with out the tubes but his breathing was labored. Stephanee said that he looked just like his older brother when he was born and was perfect and beautiful.

Then she said that he was making some crying noises and that is when I heard him. It wasn't really a full on cry just a little peep and it sounded so much like the cooing noises that baby Nels made when he was born.

Vayden lived in his mommy and daddy's loving arms for three hours and 45 minutes and then went to the loving arms of Jesus. I am sure there were many little boys waiting for him when he got there including all the ones who were born in the last year in our PUV group. Probably many more as well.

Hearing Vayden brought back so many memories of baby Nels. I can't believe that it will be 7 months soon since he went to be with Jesus. I could hardly sleep last night. I wanted to be available so that anytime Stephanee might have needed me I could be there for her on the phone.

Last night I was still on adrenaline wanting to help but this morning is different. The tears have been flowing today and I can't seem to turn them off. I feel so bad that any baby would have to go through having PUV and that so many of them simply do not make it. I am blessed to know of some baby's and little boys who have overcome PUV as well. I just wish they all could live long and happy lives.

I am so proud of Stephanee. She is such a good mom and she surrounded her little one with love for the time he was here on earth.

Lord God, I pray for Stephanee and Van, that you would surround them with Angels to watch over them and guard them during this time. Help them with their sorrow and keep them safe. Lord God, I thank you for the time that you gave Vayden here on earth to share his love with Van and Stephanee. Lord, though that time was short I know that that little boy had nothing but love fill his life. God please comfort and guide Stephanee and Van. Bring them closer together during this hard time and not further apart. Give them the strength they need to press on and help their other son to some day understand. Lord I pray a hedge of protection around this family right now. Send friends and family their way to hold them up in this hard time. Thank you Lord for Vayden. Thank you for letting him be born alive and thank you for making him whole now in heaven. In Jesus name, Amen!

Stephanee, our heart are with you, Van, Vayden, & Vashon right now! I know the next few day and months will be difficult. I want you to know that I am here for you no mater what.

Friends effected by PUV

2009-05-22T21:32:00.000-07:00

One of the friend's I have made along this journey since baby Nels was born Stephanee is in labor as I type with her precious little boy Vayden who has PUV. I have been praying so hard for her and baby Vayden since we met.

When we first talked Stephanee was going through a hard time. They had attempted to do the shunt surgery on Vayden but the placenta was in the way so they were unable to preform this life saving surgery.

Stephanee has been so strong through this time. She has celebrated Vayden's life and is praying for a miracle for him... as are we all. He needs a miracle to be able to breath because she was so low on amniotic fluid so early in her pregnancy.

I am praying right now and waiting to hear news of his birth. Earlier this week Stephanee asked if her mom could contact me so that I could notify some of our mutual friends. She was scheduled to be induced on June 5th.... but baby Vayden decided to come early. I gladly agreed to be her contact as I would do anything I can to help my friends who are going through what I went through with Nels. I only wish I could be there for her in person. Dang bed rest!

Please pray with me for Vayden! Please pray that he will have a miracle and will be able to breath! Pray that he is able to pee! Pray that he overcomes the odds and is a fighter! Please pray also for comfort and guidance for my Friend Stephanee and her husband. They need all of our prayers now!

Baby Vayden, your mommy and daddy love you so much! Please breath for them! Show them your love! Fill their hearts with peace!

10 weeks 2 days

2009-05-22T09:41:00.000-07:00

It is hard to believe that I am already at 10 weeks 2 days with this little miracle. Who would have thought after going through all the stuff this little one has gone through that it would still be with me today! What a blessing and a miracle!

I am so thankful to God that this little miracle has stayed with us and is growing! I won't know any more official stuff until I go to my appointment on the 28th. Then I will find out more about the next steps with this precious little one. Until then I have remained on my modified couch/bedrest to keep this little one with us. I don't want to take any undo chances and I am trying to take the best care of this little miracle!

This morning I woke up at 5 to an upset stomach. That always makes me a little nervous... because it is hard to tell where the cramping is coming from. I got up and had a bad case of the runs. Well, that answered where those cramps were from... and although it took some stress away it was stressful and I was concerned about the safety of the baby.

My husband was wide awake when I came back in the room. Instead of being angry that he was woken at 5 am on his week off he simply sat up to talk to me. I asked him to pray for the baby when I laid back down. He gently too my hand and said a prayer for the baby. Then he kept hold my hand as I fell back asleep, feeling safe and protected. He sat there with me for a long time just hold my hand as I slept and then eventually he laid back down and got some more rest himself.

I am so thankful for Chris. He has been so good during this pregnancy. Although not without his moments, he really has been there for me and the baby. It is very nice. He support me when I get concerned about what is going to go on with this baby and he prays with me for it's life and health each day. PUV was our first concern. So we have been praying for a little girl partially because we do not want to go through what we went through before and partially because we have had people in the past tell us we would have a little girl that would dance for Jesus.

As you know... our son Nels that we lost to PUV... was so important to us! He was our first miracle. We have always been thankful for the short time we got with him. It was so important to us to have that time. PUV has been a big concern to us ever since then. The fact that it happens to 1 in 8000 baby boys is a awful thing. On Facebook we have made a group to help others who have PUV in their families. We have made many friends during this time. Recently one of the mom's had her baby, and praise God he is living and doing well according to her. This family was truly blessed. It is nice to hear that someone has survived being born with PUV.... it doesn't happen that often with our group but when it does it is a reason to celebrate. I wished I could be of more help to those with surviving boys but that was not my experience. Thankfully though there is a wonderful lady who's son was born with PUV who lives not far from the one who just had her little one. I pray that the new mom will be able to learn a lot from the experience of her and from the experiences of the other women in the group as well.

We have also had several of our PUV friends lose their precious little ones as well. With those we are better able to help because we have been there. It is so sad that so many do not make it. It is even harder when the prognosis is given really early! There are many brave women in the PUV group who have fought hard for their little one and carried them as long as they could. I am so proud of those moms who did their best to give their little ones a chance at a miracle. I have seen many of the women, though broken by the loss, come out empowered to help others. That is amazing. Though crushed in their spirits these women have come back to help others through hard times, reach out to others in similar situations and give of their heart to those who have lost precious little ones. Their strength is a powerful testament not only to their love of their little ones but to their faith as well.

I am not sure how one could get through this type of situation without faith. Yesterday, I met one new mom to our group. She really just gave her life to Christ after going through losing her son to PUV. A church in their community helped them through their very difficult time and they were baptized 2 months after the birth and loss of their son. It was an amazing testimony. So powerful how God picked them up out of their time of deep sorrow and set them on a path of faith. Now she too is reaching out to others. Praise God!

Dear Lord God, I thank you for our precious little miracle. I thank you that you are knitting together every part of this precious child. Lord please make our child happy and healthy and let it be born and come home with us to raise up in your ways. Lord God, I thank you for each and every person I have met in the PUV group. I thank you that you are working in their lives. Lord, even through the pain you have made beauty come out of their lives. Lord God I pray for each and every boy who is living with PUV that is in our group. Lord work in their lives and help their families to overcome all the obstacles in their way. Heal the little one, and give those who need kidneys their kidneys. Lord be with each family and lead and guide them. Lord I pray for Stephanee right now as she prepare to have Vayden in June. Lord be with her and Van, comfort them and guide them during this difficult time. Hold them in your loving arms. Lord as the one little boy was born a miracle recently I ask for a miracle for Vayden as well. You, Oh Lord, know what is best for little Vayden so I give that whole situation to you. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

We have the Doppler! :)

2009-05-20T16:38:00.000-07:00

Our Fetal Doppler machine arrived in the mail on Monday afternoon. It's pink! :) I knew that it may not show me anything yet on Monday but I really really wanted to try it out! So what do I do? Of course I put it together, put the batteries in and the ultrasound gel on and started it up.

From when I was in the hospital with baby Nels I pretty much knew how to find the baby's heart beat. I also read in the instructions that you may not actually hear it until 12 weeks when it is loud enough for the doppler to hear.

When I got the little heart flashing I knew I was close to a heart beat... would it be mine or the baby's? First one... was the baby's.... it stayed in the good range from 135 to 160, but I had to move the doppler around because the baby had plenty of swimming room and swimming was definitely taking place. The cool think was... even though I could not hear the heart beat... I heard the kicking and swimming movement! How cool is that!

Shortly after losing it again after more movement I found a heart rate again. This time it was much lower. Instead of freaking out... which I would have done if I had not been monitored for 35 days with Nels.... I simply figure out that I had found my heart beat. Which was also in the correct range!

Thank You Lord! What a wonderful invention that you taught man how to make!

Then Tuesday I decided to try again. This time every time I found a heart rate it was mine. I tried not to panic because I know that it is very difficult even for some doctors to find it at this point but I did get a little bummed after 10 minutes of trying with no good results.

My husband came in the room and asked "Why the pouty face?" I told him I couldn't find the heart rate and he jumped in and said "Let me help you!" Normally I would have just said I was ok and that we didn't need to try again but with all that has gone on with this little miracle I just wanted to make sure that everything was still alright!

So I layed down... 1 minute later... we saw a 135 heart rate... then 138 and 150. Woooo hooo! Chris was able to find the baby! It was completely on the opposite side of my uterus!

Lord God, I thank you for the invention of the doppler so I can see my baby's heart rate. Lord I ask that you continue to give our baby a great heart rate and that you make this little miracle grow up strong and healthy and happy! Lord I thank you for each day with my little miracle! Lord lead and guide me and lead and guide the doctors when they see me. Thank you Lord for the blessing of my husband and for his patience and understanding! Lord keep him safe and lead and guide him as well! In thy name I pray! Amen!!!!

Protecting precious miracles!

2009-05-18T09:49:00.000-07:00

Why would anyone take unnecessary risks with a high risk pregnancy? Yesterday I ended up in a debate on the website Fertility Friends when someone asked if it was ok for high risk people to fly in the first trimester. The person who was asking the question was nervous about making trip plans because she was planing on getting pregnant and had been put on bed rest at 13 weeks with her last pregnancy. She was feeling pressure from her family to make the flight reservations.

The first person who answered her just simply told her it was safe for 99% of all pregnant people to fly. She based this on what her doctor told her... rather then looking at the whole picture. The 99% quote she gave is totally wrong anyways. The CDC states that women who are high risk should not fly. Even airline sites state this as well.

The facts are that 5 to 20% of all pregnancies are high risk in varying degrees. The extreme high risk category is between 5 and 10% of pregnancies. The Mayo Clinic site has an article about airline safety during pregnancy. They suggest that people should wait until 14 weeks of pregnancy before flying for various reasons. 1 the risk of miscarriage is lower then. 2 the risk of mourning sickness related injuries are less at that time as well. They also stated on their site that people with clotting disorders and other conditions that make pregnancy high risk are at increased risk if they do fly.

They don't have any specific studies on flying with high risk but after what I experienced this time I can't imagine just telling people that it is completely safe go ahead with your plans... especially if they themselves are feeling concerned about it.

I think the one thing that bugs me the most is... what about the babies rights? Are they even thinking about that precious little life that is so fragile that one wrong fall and hurt it? Are they thinking about the miracle that each little life is and how precious that life is? Are they thinking about wether it is more important to protect that life or are they just selfishly looking out for themselves and their entertainment.

I just makes me so mad that anyone, who has a high risk pregnancy, would tell someone else... who most likely will have a high risk pregnancy... just to go for it. This person told me that my story was scary and she didn't want that person to be scared by what happened to me during this pregnancy. I can understand that... but I did tell first about my successful flying with baby Nels. I flew all over the world with baby Nels!

What I don't understand is why if there is any chance of harming your child would you even attempt it? Life is to very precious. I am not saying put your life on hold. What I am saying is weight the costs. If I had know that my trip to florida was going to put my baby's life at risk... I would not have gone. I had even considered sending Chris alone ahead of time if the doctors gave me reasons. Unfortunately... being passed around between doctors put me at risk of not knowing about the SCH that caused all the problems. Had I known about it I would not have flied. Why risk a child's life? I so much desire to have one of my children with me that I think this subject effected me very deeply. If I could have prevented any of my losses I would have done what ever I could do.

So instead of growing in anger about this and putting my own precious miracle at risk by my feelings I know I need to give this whole situation over to God. I know that God can take care of this situation much better then I can. God is the author and perfecter of life!

Abba, Heavenly Father, I come to you in the name of Yeshua, Jesus Christ your son and ask that you would work in the lives of these two ladies. Lord firstly in the lady who is trying to get pregnant and was worried about flying, I ask that you give her and her doctors wisdom to know what to do when she becomes pregnant. Lord I pray that she will more highly favor the life of her precious miracle, then a simple trip. Lord lead and guide her. If it would be better for her to wait until after her vacation to become pregnant then give her doctors the wisdom to tell her this. Lord I pray for the other person who seems not to be bothered at all by the extra risk that flying puts on high risk patients. Lord I pray that you would show her how precious those little miracles are that she would not take this so lightly. Lord lead and guide her and show her how to best help and direct others in this situation. Keep her ever mindful of what can happen so that she is errors on the side of caution rather then throwing caution to the wind. In Yeshua's name Amen!

One protective pup!

2009-05-17T13:18:00.000-07:00

Honey our dog had a visitor today. My mom and dad came to help Chris dig out our garden today and spray weed killer on spots while I stayed inside on the couch with the two dogs. Ours and theirs.

The too dogs are like brother and sister. Our dog is only one day younger then theirs. They are both the same color but totally different breeds and temperaments. My mom and dad have a yellow lab named Buddy. Buddy is a very loving dog but likes to be right there with you. He is happy and jumps all around when you give him attention. So cute. Honey on the other hand, our dog, is a pug mixed with miniature eskimoo. She is a lot smaller then Buddy but keeps him in check.

I was laying on the couch when mom put the dogs in the house. Buddy came up and gave me a quick lick on the forehead and then began to bounce around a little. Honey seeing this quickly jumped into action. She herded Buddy away from the couch and then jumped up by my feet and stood guard. It was kind of funny. She knows that something is going on and has been keeping a close eye on me. Once Buddy got bored and went into the office so he could see what they were doing outside Honey followed him. I guess she felt she didn't need to guard me any more.

Exciting Results today!!!

2009-05-14T11:00:00.003-07:00

I am so happy and so thankful to God for what He has done in our little miracles life! It is amazing!!! It is a blessing!!!! Today I had a follow up ultrasound after waiting almost 3 weeks. I was very nervous but I knew that God was there with me. I had a good time of worship last night and just felt safe!

When they started the ultrasound the uterus was up they told me so the transvaginal ultrasound wasn't getting a good enough picture. So they did the on the top ultrasound even though it is normally too early for that.

The ultrasound equipment wasn't the highest quality in the office as it was in the ultrasound center... but I could see everything where the doctor and nurse pointed it out to me.

The baby is growing good and had a good heart beat although because of the equipment they could not give me the exact amount they just said it was good. So I will trust that God has made the heart beat good!

In the picture above I traced where the baby was according to the doctor. I know it is really hard to see. It was just about as hard to see on the monitor too... but everything was good according to the doctor. He said to go ahead and go to my appointment at the UW medical center, which is my next appointment on the 28th of May. Praise the Lord!

They were having a tough time measuring the little one though. Our little miracle was moving around a lot today!!!! So since they had a hard time measuring the had an estimate of 8w6d, when it should be 9w1d. But that is an ok difference and is explainable by the movement and by the fact that babies grow at different rates. Before it was measuring 4 days behind so only 2 days behind is a big improvement in just a few weeks!

Lord God, I thank you for the little miracle you have put inside of me and continue to knit together. Lord I pray that you bless this little one and help it to grow happy and healthy until you are ready for it to be born. Thank you Lord for all that you have done and for your mercy and kindness unto me! Amen!

Waiting on the Lord

2009-05-12T12:14:00.000-07:00

Today, I am waiting on the Lord. Tears fill my eyes as I pray for my little miracle. I know that I have only a couple full days left and two night left to sleep before I find out how my little miracle has done for the last 3 weeks. I decided that I should listen to some inspirational music today to lift my spirit so I put on my Natalie Grant Relentless CD.

The song I will not be moved from that CD helped me to press on after Nels was born. I would usually just play that song because that is why I bought the CD... but this time I have been listening to the whole CD. The words to the songs seem to be cutting deep into my spirit today.

The second song is called "In Better Hands". One of the lines goes "There is hope when the faith runs out, I'm in better hands now." I know that I have used all the faith that I have to stand for a miracle for this precious little miracle. I know I have to put it in the hands of Jesus. I know that my faith alone can not save this little one, and I know I need God's help right now. Though my flesh wants to keep control of everything and know everything, my spirit is crying out for help. I can't do this on my own.

Lord God, I lay my baby in your hands right now and I ask that you continue the miracle you have begun. Keep this little one safe. Form it completely and in your perfect way. God, you know I like to be in charge. I know though that right now I must give all my control over to you. Lord you are the author and perfecter of life. In you I live and breath and have my being. Keep my eyes focused on you and help me stand in faith for this little one. It is with your grace and mercy that this little one will be a testament to you Lord God. It has overcome so much so far, please Lord be with my little one and help us to receive good news from the doctors on Thursday. Amen!

The forth song had the following lyrics that I related to:

Back at my heart
Back at my fear
Back at my brokenness
Lord meet me here
I am exposed
And I'm not afraid anymore

Meanwhile back at my heart
I'm desperate for all that You are
Undo me and take me apart
Meanwhile back at my soul
Mend me, please make me whole
You know just where to start

I know that I can not live in fear any more and though my faith has been shaken, I know that God can reach in and make me whole! I will not listen to the enemies lies that tear me down and push me back into the pain of the past. I am so glad that God knows all about me and knows how to heal me.

Matthew 9:21-23 (NIV)
²¹She said to herself, "If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed."
²²Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment.

I am this woman, I am the woman with the issue of blood. I have lived this so many times in my life and I have had to reach out for the hem of Jesus garment so many times. I know that many can say these same things... but I literally have been where this woman was. At one point in my life I bleed for a year straight. And now with this pregnancy and the SCH, I feel like I am back there grasping for Jesus! Lord as I reach out for the hem of your garment heal the SCH and make sure my baby is safe and healthy!

Then I got to the song Our Hope endures and I felt like it was telling my story... even though I know it was written for a woman who was battling cancer... I couldn't help but relate it to my life story.

"Our Hope Endures" Natalie Grant

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is torn
With illness but she marches on
Oh, 'cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
And this is our hope

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Words of the song that touched me the most are that our hope can endure through the worst of conditions. It it like a fiery furnace situation. Even in the midst of the fire, as long as we have God there in it with us, we can still have hope and no mater what the enemy throws at us we can press on!

The second to the last song is called "Make a Way", thought it totally is not about the same thing I am going through I can relate to it as well. It talks about a young woman who goes out and does everything she can to make her dreams come true. This young woman was broken down in the ways of the world. She was hurt and pushed down, her dreams shattered. But then she comes to the Lord and gives her life over to him. The chorus of the song starts out with the young woman saying that she will make a way...on her own.

"But she was strong
And she would survive
A spark of hope had kept her dream alive
And she cried...

I'll make a way
I'll do whatever it takes
Even though it won't be easy
I have a plan and though I may not understand
Someday, I'll make a way" From Make a way, Natalie Grant

Then at the end of the song this young woman goes into a church where she gives her self and her plan over to Jesus because all hope had been taken from her and the chorus changes to this:

"So she bowed her head to pray
And said, Jesus, please make a way

And she heard Him say...

I'll make a way
I'll do whatever it takes
Even though it won't be easy
I have a plan and though you may not understand
Today, I'll make a way

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah
Today He'll make a way"

What spoke to me most about this song was that this young woman tried to go out and do everything on her own. When she did this she was hurt and broken. Then when broken completely she gave her dream over to the Lord. I know this is something that I have struggled with. I did everything humanly possible after Nels died to try and get pregnant on my own. I took the medication, I did the tests, I kept logs and schedules. Then I lost again. But still did not give up on the ways of man. I tried again... and failed. But in my brokenness when there was no more left of me. When the doctors thought that the hypoplasia had come back and were doing biopsies. When I was told there was not hope for that cycle any more, God stepped in. I was so weary and sad. I did not know what to do but to cry out to God. Against all odds we found out later, that during that time of brokenness when I turned it all over to God and stopped hoping in the ways of man, I had conceived this little miracle.

Psalm 18 (NIV)
For the director of music. Of David the servant of the LORD. He sang to the LORD the words of this song when the LORD delivered him from the hand of all his enemies and from the hand of Saul. He said:
¹ I love you, O LORD, my strength.
² The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
       my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
       He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
³ I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
       and I am saved from my enemies.
⁴ The cords of death entangled me;
       the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
⁵ The cords of the grave coiled around me;
       the snares of death confronted me.
⁶ In my distress I called to the LORD;
       I cried to my God for help.
       From his temple he heard my voice;
       my cry came before him, into his ears.
⁷ The earth trembled and quaked,
       and the foundations of the mountains shook;
       they trembled because he was angry.
⁸ Smoke rose from his nostrils;
       consuming fire came from his mouth,
       burning coals blazed out of it.
⁹ He parted the heavens and came down;
       dark clouds were under his feet.
¹⁰ He mounted the cherubim and flew;
       he soared on the wings of the wind.
¹¹ He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
       the dark rain clouds of the sky.
¹² Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
       with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
¹³ The LORD thundered from heaven;
       the voice of the Most High resounded.
¹⁴ He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies ,
       great bolts of lightning and routed them.
¹⁵ The valleys of the sea were exposed
       and the foundations of the earth laid bare
       at your rebuke, O LORD,
       at the blast of breath from your nostrils.
¹⁶ He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
       he drew me out of deep waters.
¹⁷ He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
       from my foes, who were too strong for me.
¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
       but the LORD was my support.
¹⁹ He brought me out into a spacious place;
       he rescued me because he delighted in me.
²⁰ The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness;
       according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.
²¹ For I have kept the ways of the LORD;
       I have not done evil by turning from my God.
²² All his laws are before me;
       I have not turned away from his decrees.
²³ I have been blameless before him
       and have kept myself from sin.
²⁴ The LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness,
       according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.
²⁵ To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
       to the blameless you show yourself blameless,
²⁶ to the pure you show yourself pure,
       but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd.
²⁷ You save the humble
       but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.
²⁸ You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning;
       my God turns my darkness into light.
²⁹ With your help I can advance against a troop ;
       with my God I can scale a wall.
³⁰ As for God, his way is perfect;
       the word of the LORD is flawless.
       He is a shield
       for all who take refuge in him.
³¹ For who is God besides the LORD ?
       And who is the Rock except our God?
³² It is God who arms me with strength
       and makes my way perfect.
³³ He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
       he enables me to stand on the heights.
³⁴ He trains my hands for battle;
       my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
³⁵ You give me your shield of victory,
       and your right hand sustains me;
       you stoop down to make me great.
³⁶ You broaden the path beneath me,
       so that my ankles do not turn.
³⁷ I pursued my enemies and overtook them;
       I did not turn back till they were destroyed.
³⁸ I crushed them so that they could not rise;
       they fell beneath my feet.
³⁹ You armed me with strength for battle;
       you made my adversaries bow at my feet.
⁴⁰ You made my enemies turn their backs in flight,
       and I destroyed my foes.
⁴¹ They cried for help, but there was no one to save them—
       to the LORD, but he did not answer.
⁴² I beat them as fine as dust borne on the wind;
       I poured them out like mud in the streets.
⁴³ You have delivered me from the attacks of the people;
       you have made me the head of nations;
       people I did not know are subject to me.
⁴⁴ As soon as they hear me, they obey me;
       foreigners cringe before me.
⁴⁵ They all lose heart;
       they come trembling from their strongholds.
⁴⁶ The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock!
       Exalted be God my Savior!
⁴⁷ He is the God who avenges me,
       who subdues nations under me,
⁴⁸ who saves me from my enemies.
       You exalted me above my foes;
       from violent men you rescued me.
⁴⁹ Therefore I will praise you among the nations, O LORD;
       I will sing praises to your name.
⁵⁰ He gives his king great victories;
       he shows unfailing kindness to his anointed,
       to David and his descendants forever.

Lord God, I thank you that you are my Rock and my Fortress! I thank you that you have saved me from the snares of the enemy! Lord as it says in the psalm you have brought light into my darkness. You have blessed me Lord and have given me the desire of my heart while protecting me and this precious little one from the grasp of the enemy. Lord I thank you that you are with me even now and that my tears which have been dried will not be forgotten or in vain. Lord as I cried out to you for my baby, I pray that you heard my cry and that you answered my pleas. Thank you Lord for saving my babies life and for helping it to grow happy and healthy. Please be with me and this child through out the rest of this pregnancy. In Jesus name, amen!

Doppler or no Doppler? .... that is today's question!

2009-05-11T18:37:00.000-07:00

Today I read some posts about people renting or buy fetal doppler machines to use at home to hear the baby's heart beat. This idea intrigues me on multiple levels. First the ability to hear baby Nels's heart beat every day during the time I was hospitalized with him was such a blessing. It brought peace and hope to my heart every time I heard his very strong, very healthy heartbeat. Secondly I had purchased one of those things that you stick on your tummy after 20 weeks with Nels and at first it worked... but then as the fluid left it stopped working. With the doppler however it would be able to more easily amplify the sound of the heart beat and what ever else the baby is doing in there.

One other reason I am considering purchasing one is that they are way cheaper then I thought they would be on Ebay! $95 including shipping. It would cost nearly that much to rent one for only 3 months... but instead I would be able to use it throughout the pregnancy to hear the beautiful beating heart of my little miracle!

I am however hesitant to purchase one right at this moment. With the SCH and all that has happened in the last three weeks we do not know what we will find in the ultrasound on Thursday!

We are praying that we see a healthy happy baby growing great with a great heartbeat. The doctor though told us this would be a viability ultrasound. I hate that. I would have much rather heard the doctor say something positive. Any thing somewhat positive would have done nicely. Instead I got... with your history risk of a miscarriage is never going to be totally gone.

Please.... don't you think I know my history well enough to know this myself... but give me a break... the only baby I did carry past 8 weeks was actually born... so I think being this far right now is a good sign. I am trying to be happy and excited for my baby. So why did I hesitate and not buy the doppler right away?

I know that it is important to trust God and step out in faith! But I also know that $100 can go a long way to help with other things as well. So for know I am going to pray and hope. Then when I get the good news on Thursday the first thing I will do, after praising God, is go to ebay to buy my doppler!

I think hearing the heart beat will be a great way for Chris and I to bond with this little miracle!

Thank you Lord God for today! I thank you that you have a hedge of protection around my little miracle and that you are forming this little miracle perfectly inside me. Lord I ask that you lead and guide me in the coming days and give me the peace and faith to trust that all will be well in the ultrasound on Thursday! I ask that you give the doctor the ability to easily find the baby and the heart beat on thursday and that the baby will have caught up in size to what it is supposed to be with the dates! Thank You Jesus for your healing and your mercy and your kindness! Forgive me when I stumble and fall and when I am not strong enough to hold on to hope. Be my strength when I am week and help me keep the faith for this precious miracle! In thy name I pray, amen!

Lord, hold me close

2009-05-10T21:47:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up at 2:30 am with some brown spotting from my SCH. It was very heartbreaking and scared me. Even though rationally I knew that eventually I should see some brown spotting as the end of the bleeding. I still did not expect it. It caught me off guard and made me scared a little again. I actually figured with over a week of no spotting that I was completely healed and would not see any more blood.

There really wasn't very much brown spotting and it was only when I wiped not on my pants so that was good. At 2:30 I had been up because my husband has a cold and kept coughing. So instead of going back to bed downstairs I journeyed up to my couch and put a couple prayer requests online before finally falling back asleep at 3:45 only to be woken up by a pastor friend from India at 6 am. I have to remember to turn off my messenger when I am resting even though I like to be available all the time to pray with people. Right now this baby needs me to take care of it.

I was so worried today. Mother's day of all days! I had told my husband earlier this week that I did not want to celebrate it this year. I figured if I just pretended it was another day it wouldn't hurt so much that Nels wasn't with us and that this baby had gone through so much. I did well keeping my emotions under rap. I think that was strength that only God could have given me at this time. I almost cried when my husband handed me a onesie that he bought the baby.... but I didn't.

Chris really hasn't been feeling well so I did a little too much yesterday as we cleaned out my closet in preparation for selling out home. I am almost positive that that work is what caused the bleeding to happen later on. Though I did not do much I did enough to jar things loose. I am so sorry that I did it. I never wanted to put this baby in more danger.

Tonight Chris is sleeping in the bed and I am back on the couch. I do not want to get his cold so I am staying upstairs to stay safe. That way too I will get better sleep as his coughing was waking me up so often. Right before I went upstairs Chris broke down. It seems that even though this was mother's day... not father's day... that Chris was just so sad and missing baby Nels. He cried and said he would have done anything for little Nels... and I know he would. Then he started crying about this little miracle. It was the first time that he actually showed sadness about what has gone on and all the things this precious little miracle has gone through so far.

All I could to was hold him and let him cry it out. Then he came upstairs and prayed for me and the baby. God please protect our little miracle. We are so thankful for blessing us with this miracle. We need your help to make the baby happy and healthy with all the proper parts and organs.

As I get ready to sign off the internet and go to bed all I can think about are my babies. Baby Nels, this little miracle, and the babies that I lost before. Lord I thank you for each and every one. I ask that you please let the ones that are with you know that their mommy loves them so much and misses them very much. Even though I don't really feel like I ever got to be a mom... I know that each one is a precious gift from God. Lord God, if I could ask anything of you today on mother's day, it would be to please let this precious little miracle come stay with us so that we can raise this baby up in your ways and teach them all about Jesus! Amen!

Mother's Day #2

2009-05-09T11:44:00.000-07:00

This year is my second year of mother's day being pregnant. This special miracles due date is only a couple days different then baby Nels. Last year I was so excited. At this point I was just over 8 weeks pregnant... had an ultrasound picture that showed everything and couldn't wait to tell everyone all about my miracle baby (baby Nels). I went to an art show they have hear every year with my mom and took my little ultrasound picture everywhere with me! I showed everyone I knew! It was wonderful!

This year I am much more guarded. Baby Nels is no longer here and this little miracle has been through so much. The only picture I have of this one barely looks like much so showing it to others doesn't really get the desired response yet. Though I have been telling everyone about this precious little miracle, it has been more to get prayers, then just telling about it out of excitement.

I feel kind of bad about that. Like this baby is missing out on some pretty happy emotions that baby Nels got to experience. I was really excited at first with this little miracle... then all the stress began... then the SCH bleed and the misdiagnosed miscarriage. All those things just brought stress and fear feelings. Not good for me... and not good for the baby!

For the last couple days I have been more calm and more peaceful. That is good for me and for the baby. I do think though that tomorrow will be a very emotional day without baby Nels there to share it with me. If I could I think I would just pretend it was another normal day. That would not be fair to my mom though! I really want to celebrate what a good mom she is and how she has helped me through this very hard time.

So for today I am going to forget about tomorrow and focus on just being as calm and peaceful for my little one as I can be. Tomorrow I am sure there will be tears... even thinking about it now makes my eye a bit watery. But I will go and celebrate my mom and hold on to the fact that even though it was for a very short hour... last year I was a mom too.

Hopefully next year will be better and I will have a little one in my arms to hug and love.

Calmer and quieter

2009-05-08T16:15:00.000-07:00

Today is a much calmer day for me. I was able to get a little work done by making a banner for the Unlocking PUV page that I am making in honor of baby Nels. I am so excited to get this project going! It is taking some time to learn the new software which at least gives me something to distract me while I am resting.

Yesterday I walked around a bit more upstairs but didn't do much. I am still trying to do the bed rest as much as possible. It seems to be working! The SCH has not had any spotting in a week and no big problems since that last ultrasound... so I am praying that this means good things for this little miracle!

I still can't wait to see the little one again on the 14th.... but I wish it was at the ultrasound center rather then at the clinic. The ultrasound machines at the clinic just can't compare to the other ones. The pictures are much fuzzier and heard to find anything in. I am hoping that I will see hands, feet, fingers and toes next time! All I saw was a heartbeat last time. :) But that is ok... it was a blessing to see that!

Thank you Lord for the lessons you showed me yesterday! Thank you for helping me through today! Thank you for blessing me with this little miracle! Lord I pray that you will continue to knit this little miracle together in the way it should go! Please make it's organs and body parts all perfect the way they are designed to be. Help the baby to grow and help the heart rate to be what it is supposed to be. Please keep this little one safe and put a hedge of protection around our little miracle. Thank you Lord for all you are doing, amen!

Resist the toothless lion!

2009-05-07T12:23:00.000-07:00

This is a little note of encouragement I wrote to some friends in a prayer group on Fertility Friends earlier today! It was something that summed up how I was feeling today so I decided to write it here as well. Before I began to read the word today and before I wrote this I was having a hard day. Worrying about miscarriage and concerned about the baby's health. Instead of dwelling on the negative I decided it was time to take some action and be positive!

Today I was in the need of some spiritual encouragement to so I went to God's word to find some verses to post around the house and to place on my heart. One of the verses I found was this:

7Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
8Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 10And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 5:7-11

In context this verse is actually talking to young men in leadership and the elders of the church but I think it fits our situation well too. You know when we stand in faith for our little miracles then satan gets angry and he looks to find ways to make us stubble and fall. So what does he do? He reminds us of loss and scares us into to thinking that this is happening again. Especially when it is not. He does not want us to rejoice in our precious little ones and for those who are still waiting for their precious miracles to start he does not want there to be faith to hold on to God's promises for miracles. He wants to keep us bound by our fears. Fears of loss, fears of not conceiving, and fear of everyday things.

Fear is one of the biggest tools of the enemy. A few years ago I taught a sermon series on how fear is the opposite of Love. We all know that God is Love.... and we all know that the author of fear is satan. We need to be so wrapped in God's love by faith through His grace that the fears of the enemy can not consume us any more.

I am a big one to talk... I have been having trouble with fear ever since I thought the baby was gone in Florida. The enemy whispered lies to me and tried to keep me bound. But I am so fired up right now that I have the boldness and strength to say "NO MORE!!!" No more fear, no more lies of the enemy no more being bound by confusion. It is time that I stepped out in faith declaring the word of the Lord rather then repeating the lies of the enemy! Woooo! I am so excited.... I just don't know what else to do but Praise God for breaking those chains!!!!

I feel like just by writing these things down that there is new hope and fresh fire in my life! For so long I kept repeating that God had not given me a spirit of fear. That was good because I was declaring the word of God over my life.... but it wasn't enough to break free.

I needed to see the lies of the enemy for what they were. I needed to be reminded that even though the enemy can roar... he is a toothless lion that can not devour me if I do not let him. Thank you Jesus! For being the true Lion... that we can lean on. Thank you Jesus for being the Lion of the Tribe of Judah! Thank you Jesus for taking those keys away from that toothless lion and helping us to overcome death and fear!

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:7

This too is such an important verse to hold on to when the enemy comes at us with lies. It says if we resist him he must flee. Praise God! Now this verse in context is talking about us all being sinners and needing to be purified by God in our hearts an minds. So when we seek forgiveness and are living in repentance we have the power to resist the enemy and make him flee from us! That is so good! God is so good! It is by God's grace that we are able to stand against the plans of the enemy!

Lord God, I come to you right now in the name of Jesus Christ your son. Lord God, pray that you will bind the enemy and his lies from all the lives of the women on this board. What ever satan is trying to roar in to the lives of these women cut it off right now! Lord bind satan and keep him far from these women. Lord I ask right now that you send your Holy Spirit to minister to each one. Where ever they are in this process Lord God, be with them! Hold them in your hands and keep them safe from the plans of the enemy! Lord I know that you have good plans for each and every one and that you Oh Lord long to grant the desires of their hearts. Lord we that you that if we resist the enemy that he must flee. Lord I pray that each one has your strength and your faith and your hope to resist the enemy today and to stand strong and bold in their faith. Lord let each one be filled with your river of life that will flow through them unto others in their lives as well. Lord I thank you that your mercies are new every morning. Help me to remember what you have showed me today, tomorrow as I wake. Do not let the fear come back into my life, but help me to stand strong in faith each day! Lord I thank you for each miracle you have brought into this group. Lord I pray that you protect each one and help them grow up happy and healthy. Lord for those who have not yet received the news of their precious miracles I pray that you will work swiftly in their lives to grant the desires of their hearts. Lord for those who are not trying right now I pray that you be with them and lead and guide them in what ever they are doing to glorify you in their lives. In thy name I pray, Amen!

I hope that this will be a good reminder for all of us on how we can defeat the enemy's plans in our lives and how we can live in victory in Jesus!

With God we will gain the victory, and he will trample down our enemies. Psalm 60:12

Psalm 118
1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.
2 Let Israel say: "His love endures forever."
3 Let the house of Aaron say: "His love endures forever."
4 Let those who fear the LORD say: "His love endures forever."
5 In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and he answered by setting me free.
6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?
7 The LORD is with me; he is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies.
8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.
9 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes.
10 All the nations surrounded me, but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.
11 They surrounded me on every side, but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.
12 They swarmed around me like bees, but they died out as quickly as burning thorns; in the name of the LORD I cut them off.
13 I was pushed back and about to fall, but the LORD helped me.
14 The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.
15 Shouts of joy and victory resound in the tents of the righteous: "The LORD's right hand has done mighty things!
16 The LORD's right hand is lifted high; the LORD's right hand has done mighty things!"
17 I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done.
18 The LORD has chastened me severely, but he has not given me over to death.
19 Open for me the gates of righteousness; I will enter and give thanks to the LORD.
20 This is the gate of the LORD through which the righteous may enter.
21 I will give you thanks, for you answered me; you have become my salvation.
22 The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone;
23 the LORD has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes.
24 This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
25 O LORD, save us; O LORD, grant us success.
26 Blessed is he who comes in the name of the LORD. From the house of the LORD we bless you.
27 The LORD is God, and he has made his light shine upon us. With boughs in hand, join in the festal procession up to the horns of the altar.
28 You are my God, and I will give you thanks; you are my God, and I will exalt you.
29 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

1 Corinthians 15:56-58
56The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
58Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

Philippians 3:14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus!

Keep standing strong! Keep fighting! Keep pressing on in Jesus!

Kristin

2009-05-07T12:15:00.000-07:00

Research is not always a good thing!

2009-05-06T11:28:00.000-07:00

Earlier today I was feeling pretty good about what I had learned about fetal heart rate and where my little miracle was during the ultrasound a week and a half ago. Then today I began to do more research. Not because I wasn't happy with the answers I had found but because some one else wanted information on early heart rates. So what do I do? I begin to check again.

This time I found similar information and then some scarier information. The first information I had found about early heart rates being between 90 and 113 seems to be correct. Most of the sites had something like that on 6 weeks or younger. But then as I read more it said that at 6 weeks 3 days to 7 weeks that it should be between 110 and 120. That caused a slight drop in excitement. Then I read further in some studies that heart rates under 110 at around 6 and a half weeks were linked to early miscarriage.

Last week I found a study that said below 90 was a cause for concern. I was much happier with that. Now the stress of waiting to see has once again peaked.

Lord God please make my babies heart rate go the way it is supposed to. Make it a strong and healthy heart rate. Let all the organs form correctly and let this baby live.... please Lord God.... take away my fears and replace them with faith and hope. Lord be with me and lead me and guide me. I cast all my cares at the foot of the cross. I need you Lord to help me get through this stressful time. I still have 8 days left until my next ultrasound. You know Lord God how much we want this little miracle. Please do not let it slip away from us. Keep it safe and warm in my womb and let it be healthy and happy. Lord help me to rely on you and not the wisdom of man. You have already made this little miracle a miracle! You showed us a heart beat when they told us the baby had left. You gave us a pregnancy when they said it was not possible. You made this little miracle and helped it overcome medications that should have made it disappear and a biopsy which could have taken it away. This is your miracle Lord God! I ask that you complete the miracle you have begun and that you make this little one grow. In thy name I pray, Amen!

Last night was hard

2009-05-06T11:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of the birth and death of our precious little Baby Nels who only lived one hour due to his PUV. I missed him so much yesterday and would have liked to have gone to his grave site to take him flowers but alas.... no I was stuck on the couch.

That made it hard for me. I had such a restless night last night with tons of bad dreams having to do with his birth and life. Then I had bad dreams about this little miracle as well. It was awful. I can't imagine going through another night like that. I was trying so hard to stay on the positives yesterday but it seems as if during the night I failed.

God please help me to find peace and comfort in you today! We miss you and love you baby Nels! Thank you for holding on to mommies finger... even though it was only for a short time!

My bed rest and SCH

2009-05-05T11:07:00.001-07:00

Bed rest can be a challenge for people with Type "A" personalities like me. When people tell me to rest... to me that means don't go for a 3 mile run or 6 mile hike. To completely rest for as many days as I have so far has been very challenging.

I have to admit there were a few days that I did a little more then I was supposed to. I had a wedding to officiate of someone I had know for his whole life on Saturday the 2nd so on Friday and Saturday I walked around more and had to carry a couple things in order to get what I needed to done... for example I had to carry my computer into my office to print wedding documents. Thankfully though the bleeding of the SCH had subsided by Friday and it did not return due to the activity.

I was able to go to the wedding Saturday, preform the service and get home to rest on my couch like a good girl... all without bleeding! Yeah! Praise God!

Since the ultrasound on Monday the 27th I had been concerned about one thing I heard during the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech said that the baby's heart rate was 109. This seemed awfully low to me. She told me no it was normal for my gestation at the time of the ultrasound... so the next day when I had my appointment it completely slipped my mind to ask the doctor about it.

Since I didn't ask though I began to panic and worry. Which is not what God wants and not good for the baby! It took a very long time but I finally on Thursday found a web site that gave me the normal heart rate for that early of a heart beat. The normal range for that gestation was 90 to 113. They also said on that page that only heart rates under 90 are ones they worry about for miscarriage. That made me feel a little better because then this baby's heart rate was towards the top for their age!

It didn't take away all the stress and worry though. With every twinge I was concerned that that would be the last of my precious little miracle. Last night I woke up in a panic and began to cry thinking that since I wasn't extremely hot at that moment that the baby was gone. What I failed to realize was that the temperature had dropped 10 degrees in our house yesterday due to a little bit of a cold snap... so that is why I didn't feel extremely hot.

To be honest though, I haven't worried as much about PUV as I thought I would. I am more concerned about this little miracle, who has fought so hard to get to this point, being born happy and healthy. I so much want this baby to make it and to be healthy. I know that is what every parent wants for their child to have a happy, healthy baby. For me this has been the greatest challenge of my life.

I am praying God has a hedge of protection around this little miracle and that He is knitting together this baby's body with all the organs and body parts in the right place and doing the right things!

My next appointment is still 9 days away. That is a long time to wait to find out more about the baby. I have noticed though that my uterus is expanding like it should. When I lay on one side my little bump is able to be felt.

This morning before getting up I just laid with my hand on the little miracle bump and prayed and prayed. I put everything in God's hands. I know God is in control and that He can help this little miracle be born and have a good life.

I am still praying that this little one is a girl... just because I don't want this baby to have to face what little Nels had to face. Plus we had been told that we would have a little girl who would dance for Jesus... so that is what we are praying will happen and that God's words spoken to us through several different people will come true with this child.

For now I must be patient. I must rest. I must trust God. I must have faith to overcome. I must find my strength in the joy of the Lord and celebrate this precious little ones life!

Lord God, I thank you so much for this little miracle. I ask that you continue to knit it together the way it is supposed to be. Please make all the baby's organs and parts work correctly. Please help the heart rate to rise to where it is supposed to be for the rest of the pregnancy. Lord, thank you for the opportunity to carry another child. Please God let this one be one that we can raise up in your ways and one that we can teach all about you! Lord we need your help right now to make it through this process. We need your love to surround us and hope to abound. Please put a hedge of protection around the baby. Lord continue to heal me from the SCH and make it so I do not bleed any more during this pregnancy. In Yeshua's (Jesus) name, Amen!

A lot has happened in a short amount of time!

2009-04-30T10:12:00.000-07:00

There has been much that has happened since we first found out that we were expecting our little miracle. We have gone through a rollercoaster of emotions in the last couple weeks. My beta #'s have been great and were doubling like they are supposed to so we figure it was a clear ride so far.

We had a trip planned to go see my husband's grandma in Florida from the 22nd to the 26th of April. That is why it has taken so long for me to post again. In fact at one point I was no longer going to post... but God did another miracle.

On Thursday night the 23rd I ended up in the ER in St Petersburg Florida. I was bleeding heavily and passed some clots which I though may have been the baby. The ER doctors told me that I had miscarried. Even though my #'s that night were at the appropriate doubling level. They did an ultrasound but all they could see was the sac... no yoke or fetal pole. So the tech said it could have been expelled. I got back to my room in the hotel at close to 2 am Friday morning. I was devastated and so was Chris. We had so hoped our little miracle would make it.

In fact 5 minutes before I bled we had bought a little onesie that matched t-shirts we had purchased for ourselves. It was so hard the next couple days in Florida. With out hope and feeling so sad. We didn't know what we could do.

The ER told me to follow up with my doctor at home... so I called the doctor's office and told them what the ER had said. My Doctor wasn't in so they talked to the head of the department and he told them to tell me to keep my ultrasound appointment for monday to make sure everything was out. I stopped bleeding after I returned home from the ER so I was afraid that they would have to do a D&C.

I am not very good at giving up hope very easily and with all the miracles God had preformed so far I was hoping beyond hope that maybe there was still a miracle for us. I prayed before I left for the ultrasound that if God wanted us to have this baby that it would be there with it's heart beating. I just didn't want to give up because I know that our God is a God of miracles... and I really didn't want the doctors to order something else done if there was any chance for our baby.

On Monday when I got to the ultrasound they told me that I didn't need the 32 ouces of water I had consumed since they were only going to do the vaginal ultrasound. They told be to use the restroom and come back in. This was the day after we flew home. When I used the restroom 3 large clots the size of the palm of my hand came out. I figured that this was the rest of the miscarriage.

When I went back into the room I asked the tech if she could see that everything was out. She said "No... I see a heartbeat." I was in total shock and awe. God had saved my baby even after all the things that had happened... the baby was still there and it's heart was beating. Praise God. But then came the question where is all this bleeding comin from?

After the ultrasound I talked with my doctors nurse. She said I had a Subchorionic Hemorrhage of the placenta. That threw me and scared me. I asked if I could get an appointment with my doctor sooner. She said no... now that it is a confirmed pregnancy I need to go to a different doctor.

They set me up with at doctor's appointment for the next day. The doctor I saw said that all I could do is continue taking the prometrium they put me on and to rest and pray for the bleeding to stop. I spotted most of Tuesday and Wednesday until and old looking clot that was dark and rubbery came out. I have been praying that God will heal the Hemorrhage and keep the baby safe.

For the next two weeks until my next appointment I am laying low on bed rest , pelvic rest and praying for my little one. My next appointment is on 5/14 for an ultrasound with the doctor in the office.

Here is our first ultrasound picture. The arrow is pointing to where the heart is beating. The dark spot on the side is the hemorrhage. Please pray with me for it to go away. It is important for the health of the baby.

Abba, Heavenly Father, I come to you in the name of Yeshua, Jesus Christ your son, and ask for you to completely heal this hemorrhage. As the woman with the issue of blood reached out for the hem of Jesus garment and received healing so am I today. Heal my womb that it may carry this precious little miracle and keep it healthy. Lord give me peace as I rest in you, and faith to stand up to this situation. Lord I bless your name for all that you have done so far in this little miracles life. I pray that you will strengthen and put a hedge of protection around this little miracle and keep it so safe inside. Lord thank you for this chance to carry such a precious miracle again. This time Lord, please let the baby be born healthy and help it to have a wonderful life in you! In thy name I pray, Amen!

A little more back ground.

2009-04-19T17:12:00.000-07:00

Ok so here is a little bit more background on what conception has been like for my husband and I. We have been through a very long journey to get to this point and we are praying that our little miracle will grow happy and healthy for the time the baby needs to grow inside! I just found out on Friday that I was pregnant... which was a total miracle as this has been a totally odd cycle right after a miscarriage Feb 5. I ended up not geting a period at all but maybe ovulating 2 times.... once because of the clomid on CD 28 and once on my own on CD 49 or 50. What is really odd was after a negative beta I ended up having an ultrasound to check for problems. They said that my lining was too thick and thought I had gotten back something I had in 2007 which caused abnormal cells and polyps and pre cancers. But that problem was cause by a gluten allergy of which I have been clean from since that time so I didn't know how it would come back. Anyways they did the ultrasound and found that I had follicles growing on both ovaries but that my lining was thick so my doctor decided later that week to do a biopsy. That very day could have been the day I ovulated, but my doctor even after I talked to her about the follicles didn't say that anything could happen. In fact she said I needed to take progesterone to bring on AF for 10 days. I started that after doing another negative beta test. Now they never told me the #'s on those so I am assuming they were 0 but I do not know this for sure. After the 10 days on progesterone still no AF in 11 days. I had one digital pregnancy test left over from my clomid round in February so I decided to take it. It said "Pregnant". That was on Friday morning so I called the clinic as soon as they opened and they ran my beta's for me very quickly, the lab said they had a rush on it. My beta level Friday was 1174. I thought that was quite high for a new pregnancy... but with the other negative ones the timing is only there for that. I had another one run this morning but won't get the results until monday morning. In all my pregnancies before I never knew my beta results. I lost 9 little ones between 4.5 and 6 weeks early in our marriage. We have been trying since 1994. After the first 9 we stopped counting... I guess we were just to numb to do so. Until 2006 when we lost one much later. I didn't know I was pregnant and we were on our way on a cross country road trip from Washington State to Arkansas to help at an international worship conference. On the Idaho/Utah border the is a rest stop and that is where we lost what we count as #10 even though there were some in between. That baby was much larger and was probably around 8 weeks. It wasn't until I bleed for a whole year that I went back to to the doctors. You see I had been avoiding them for 5 years because they told me they wanted to take my parts out.... and I refused to give up hope. It was at that time through much prayer and study that I figured out the main cause of all my MC's in the past. Glutens. They made my body fight against itself. Kind of like an autoimmune disease. In 2007 I was told that I had high blood pressure, liver disease, kidney disease, hypothyroid, type 2 diabetes, PCOS and the Hypoplasia thick lining of the uterus that I talked about earlier. The first doctor I talked to told me I would be on multiple medications for the rest of my life. Then my OB/GYN did a biopsy to find the abnormal cells and polyps. She scheduled me for exploratory surgery and a D&C. The day I got the news I had started on a special diet that cut out all artificial ingredients and processed foods. Unknowingly I cut out the root of all my problems. I had cut out all wheat products. During the exploratory surgery they found no abnormal cells at all. Also by the time of my surgery I was off all the medications. It was through the prayer and study that I found out more about the gluten allergy. It turns out that it is a big cause of infertility. The doctors put me on progesterone for 3 months at that time to make sure nothing came back and of course on my biopsy in November everything was perfectly ok! I went through a lot in 2007 but finally towards the end my doctor said the difference in my body was like day and night and that it was ok to work on trying to conceive again. (Not that I had stopped) We never really ever stopped TTC... but decided that we were going to put off doing anything medically to conceive until after June 08 because I had 2 international trips before that. God's timing is not always our own though and right after I got back from China in the end of April 2008 I found out I was close to 8 weeks pregnant... and did not know it before I left. So the whole time in China that I thought was food poisoning it turned out to be morning (all day) sickness. My pregnancy was going great. Did the CVS at 12 and 16 weeks and everything was looking good. At 19 weeks we found out we were having a boy. And then for the next 10 weeks of pregnancy they put me on auto pilot. Seeing different doctors every time and only seeing my doctor for a total of 15 minutes during the pregnancy. On my visit at 28 weeks they said I was measuring way ahead. 32 weeks... so they scheduled an ultrasound to see if they had been off on the timing. Big difference huh! That was the same week of my first ever baby shower. I was so excited... I asked to get it done before the shower but the only day they had open was Sunday... the day after. Oh how I wish it was before now. On that Sunday I went in to my ultrasound expecting everything would be fine. I had just put the presents from the shower in the crib from the day before and was going to come right home to unpack them. The ultrasound tech had troubles with the pictures. To make a hugely long story short I ended up getting a call at the ultrasound place from a physician who told me my water had broken and that I need to get to the hospital right away for some test. He told me I would be there a couple days. I don't know if that was a deliberate lie or if he just felt that way... because I ended up in that hospital for 5 days and then transfered to the University of Washington Medical center for the next 34 days. My son was born at 34 weeks with a condition called Posterior Urethral Valves which basically caused him not to be able to pee out the amniotic fluid that they produce themselves from week 16. That is why no fluid was found during the ultrasound. Because of this his lungs did not form so he wasn't able to breath much. He was born Nov 5 2008 and died only one short hour after birth. Because of my age they said no time to waste if I wanted to have another child... so they decided to put me on clomid in January. I conceived and lost that child very quickly... due to the fact that it could not implant well enough because of vitamins I had taken the month before that interact with clomid. I took my second round of clomid right away after the MC. Then the rest of the story is up above. It is a total miracle. I know it is still early but we are so hopeful for this little one. We are praying for a :girl: girl. Even though the condition our son had is not genetic it still happens to 1 in 8000 boys. We don't want that to happen again... so we pray for a girl every time we pray! I am also wearing pink and surrounding myself with pink. Don't think that will do anything but I know that God does listens to prayers. I know this because this child is a total miracle. I got to the point of this cycle that I was praying for my period but God had a much better surprise planned. :)

A new beginning.... what a surprise we got today!

2009-04-17T21:38:00.001-07:00

Today My husband and I woke up to a big surprise from God! A little miracle is on it's way!

Every child is a miracle but after all we have been through trying to have a child in the last almost 15 years now... this is a very special miracle to us!

I guess I should explain a little about why this is such a miracle.

You see... most of the babies we have conceived have ended up being taking to heaven very early.

We lost the most recent one in February after only a few days of pregnancy. It did not implant right. Only 3 months before that we lost our son... who was our first really big miracle baby. He died only one hour after birth from a condition called Posterior Urethral Valves. It is a condition that happens to 1 in 8000 boys. Not genetic, thank fully, but they have no cause either so that tends to make us nervous. Thusly we are praying for a girl right now.

Our little boy's name was Nels! He was the biggest blessing in our lives and we miss him so much. He was born and died November 5th 2008. We thank God so much for the hour that we got to spending loving him, anointing him, and holding him. It was such a blessing.

I am really tired tonight and just wanted to begin this blog on the day we found out we were going to have a miracle. So I guess I will have to write more about our journey to this point tomorrow.

I just want to say that God is so good and really does answer prayers! He has answered ours in ways we hadn't even hoped for. Just yesterday we were praying for my period to start so we could begin an new round of fertility treatments... but today... no need for that. :)